#1
This is the first piece I have submitted here. Perhaps more will be added later. I'm relatively new to songwriting so constructive criticism and advice will be much appreciated

Edit: Some parts have now been changed slightly.

A mass of mercury,
Circled in stone,
Dreary heavens reflect,
In the water below

The silence profound,
The sounds vacuumed out,
But stick your head under,
And screams can be heard

Chorus
The only thing that mattered,
All I loved and hated,
Has been taken from me,
Perhaps I’ll take a swim tonight,
Then maybe I can be free

My eternal neglect,
My hopeless regret,
At that tainted lake-bottom,
My conscience is kept
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Last edited by gunnerthekiwi at Jun 13, 2008,
#2
Vivid portrayals and all, but they don't seem to be connected very effectively. Take stanza two, for instance. Great, but then it dissappears. Who's screaming? And what is this threshold that I'm sticking my head through?

That's just my opinion. If you could read mine linked in my sig below, that would be great.
#3
Ah the water is really just water, the lake is literally a lake. I could say what the idea behind this is but I want to see if anyone else can figure it out first
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#5
OK then, won't keep you in suspense for any longer.

Basically it's a story that came into my head of a man killing his partner in a fit of rage, dumping her body in a lake and then what goes through his mind afterwards. I had no intention of writing a song about this, it was all very spontaneous. I, like many 15 year olds, seem to have very violent thoughts at times haha.

Also, perhaps I should've made clear that the third stanza is the song's chorus.
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#7
Thanks
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#8
Hi Gunner!
You asked for a crit, but tbh, you haven't really earned one yet.
I'd like you to read several threads of random people
and find a couple you can make some useful comments on.
at minimum point out the part you feel is strongest and the part you think is weakest.
then read some of the line-by -ine or verse-by-verse crits on other pieces.
begin to learn the process.
you'll want to start contributing opinions rather than just a compliment and asking for a crit. no one will expect you to be a pro right away, and you can learn by doing.

This is highly fragmented, gramatically.
The construction if fairly simple.
There isn't a linear progression of action to worry about.
Things are simply stated and lines don't depend that highly on their neighbors for meaning.
Words will be easily substituted.
Rhythm will be more useful to study on this, than anything else.

A mass of mercury,
I hear triplets here:
in each line you'll have the down beat on the stressed syllable.
and two more thirds after that.
you don't have to use all of them.
but it gets messy if you try to insert more than two unstressed syllables.
"A" is the last third of the fourth beat of the count off
"Mass" is the first down beat.
"of" is the last third of the first beat.
"Mercury" is all three thirds, starting on the second downbeat.
I hope that makes sense.

Circled in stone,
this starts on the first downbeat with all three thirds being sounded.
Stone is the second downbeat.

Dreary heavens reflected,
this is where things get dicey.
"Dreary" could be the second and third thirds of the previous
"Heavens" could be the first downbeat and the second third of that beat.
reflected will take the last third of the first beat, the second downbeat, and the second third of the second beat.
But now we have a problem.
the next line is looking to steal TWO thirds from this beat.
"water" screams to start on the down beat.
so your choice is to drop "the" from the last line. (not as nice)
or change "reflected" to "reflect".
personally i think that's a better choice.

In the water below
this line now falls into a very natural place.
"water" begins on the first downbeat.
and the second syllable (the stressed one) is on the second downbeat.


The silence profound,
The sounds vacuumed out,
But stick your head under,
And the screams can be heard

This line suffers.
It tries to take two third from the previous.
but only one is available.
drop "the" from this line.

You get the idea, pick it up and run from there.
Meadows
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#9
Thanks a lot for the valuable advice. I think I've gotten my head around most of that It's interesting how a (relatively) simple technique like that can improve flow so greatly. I'd say I have a reasonable sense of rhythm but it can be difficult to pick up words or phrases that are out of place straight away.

And I'll try to critique other pieces, I won't have much to offer at the beginning but I'll do my best.
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