#1
C4C if you leave a link. The song is written about my cousin, who gives up his entire life for some girl. My friends joke and say "his girlfriend ate him". I wrote this song within the last hour or so, so don't expect gold.

I don't mind
losing to you
I'm not afraid
to turn into
a journal page
to take abuse
so pour the wine
and set the noose

(chorus)

I'm suffering
a loss of power
and I'm not coming back
=================
To love her means
to give in to her
and I'm just fine with that
=================

I'll give to you
my heart and sould
I'll take your love
make it my own
that's all I need
to really know
please, I don't want
to be alone
#2
All in all, I'd say that this piece is lyrically fluid but each line is very sort. I don't know if that is your preferred style, but each line has an average of, like, four syllables. It works but I don't if I personally care for it in this particular instance.

And for the chorus where it goes:
I'm suffering
a loss of power
and I'm not coming back

That seems a little too blatant and obvious, but it still works with the song and the overall theme quite nicely. Overall, it is good, though.

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#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
C4C if you leave a link. The song is written about my cousin, who gives up his entire life for some girl. My friends joke and say "his girlfriend ate him". I wrote this song within the last hour or so, so don't expect gold.

I don't mind
losing to you
I'm not afraid
to turn into
a journal page

to take abuse
so pour the wine
and set the noose

(chorus)

I'm suffering
a loss of power
and I'm not coming back
=================
To love her means
to give in to her
and I'm just fine with that
=================

I'll give to you
my heart and sould
I'll take your love
make it my own
that's all I need
to really know
please, I don't want
to be alone
Just found this amusing as you're a Smashing Pumpkins fan


I emboldened the lines/phrases that stick out most to me. I found the last piece of this a bit perplexing. What does the character "need to know"? Rubbish crit I know, first time I've done this.
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*Line 6 Echo Park delay
#4
Quote by gunnerthekiwi
I emboldened the lines/phrases that stick out most to me. I found the last piece of this a bit perplexing. What does the character "need to know"? Rubbish crit I know, first time I've done this.


It's referring to "her love". He is giiving in to a girl by taking on her mentality of love, and he then says that it's the only love there is (essentially).

And yes, I do write in short stanzas. The longest stanza I'm comfortable with writing is, like, 8 syllables or so. I just prefer to keep it short.

PS Gunner, what's the SP reference? I don't remember where that's from...
#5
Ah OK, and that line is repeated towards the end of Tarantula.
Ibanez GAX50
Epiphone Valve Junior
Boss OS-2 Overdrive/Distortion

Saving for:

*Line 6 Echo Park delay
#6
Quote by Ninjamonkey767

I don't mind
losing to you
I'm not afraid
to turn into
a journal page
to take abuse
so pour the wine
and set the noose

(chorus)

I'm suffering
a loss of power
and I'm not coming back
=================
To love her means
to give in to her
and I'm just fine with that
=================

I'll give to you
my heart and sould
I'll take your love
make it my own
that's all I need
to really know
please, I don't want
to be alone


Your flow is really solid bar those bolded lines, which is good for a songwriter. To show you have a good sense of flow is important.

The actual content, whilst not my style anyway, was okay. The first verse was far mor einteresting and well written than the rest, your ideas were sharper there. The rest was pretty standard fare I thought, especially the last verse. The last eight lines were a snooze fest in all honesty.

There's a song, top link in my sig, if you want to return a little comment back.

#7
Wow I dont know what I can say. That flows really well. Like its fun to read out loud. Not many people are capable of making something flow like that. All I can really say is to follow the suggestions of those above me.

Oh and btw I fixed mine up, take another look if you want.
Last edited by jetfuel495 at Jun 11, 2008,
#8
the rest of the song was mostly alright.
this has the makings of a killer hook:
so pour the wine
and set the noose

it could easily be use in a chorus.
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#9
Very good. This is actually pretty weird because my cousin was always like my mentor and now that he's getting older and has a girlfriend and stuff, I don't see much of him anymore so I can sort of relate to this.
I agree with everyone about the "so pour the wine and set the noose" line. It actually reminds me of one of my favorite bands, Passafire.

Overall great job.

(Check "Underneath the street" again, I replied to your crit)
#10
first half was good man, but you lost me at the chorus. the first verse was amazing tho. good job man
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#11
Its very simple, but not in an allerting fashion. It never seems to grab my attention with interesting vocabulary or sparkling imagery. The short lines and overal short length also drags away from the crackin' theme.
So in all, I do believe you have something here, but you need to lengthen the lines and create more imagery with something else. There's so little here I feel like I'm underwhelmed. Which is rare, sooooo in fact, the piece is original in the feeling it lends you, but the words that you use to reach that point are not that engaging.
Some of your lines are really nice though: "to turn into, a journal page, to take abuse, so pour the wine, and set the noose."