#1
I reposted this because my previous thread got locked for having c4c in the title,
so you can assume i will return your favours.

A fine day to you, friendly fellow music lovers.
I am new to this forum and not a native english speaker but don't let that stop you
from beeing harsh on my text.. i am seeking to improve, not stall this thing called a learning process ;-)


-----------------------------
my foot just fell asleep
and i try to get some rest
to get away from this taste of battlefield
and the smell of the dead

leave me hanging
leave me hanging by a thread
till the spiders with the scissors
tear apart my silver web

and the last shades of dawn
dissapear before the sun
a smiling yellow star
says the battle has been won

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we see our own inventions
|with impressions to be lost
|future memories to forget

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we drive our thoughts trough the shredder
|letting the blades do their work
|leave the slivers on a clean slate

my legs just fell asleep
and i try to get some rest
'cause the days are growing longer
but that's only for the best

i guess i failed
guess i failed your little test
kill the rats, the cockroaches
eradicate the pests

and i'm a busy man
always wrongly occupied
Oh, I am fortune's fool
leave it to luck when i decide

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we see our own inventions
|with impressions to be lost
|future memories to forget

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we drive our thoughts trough the shredder
|letting the blades do their work
|leave the slivers on a clean slate
#2
Quote by Tanghe
I reposted this because my previous thread got locked for having c4c in the title,
so you can assume i will return your favours.

A fine day to you, friendly fellow music lovers.
I am new to this forum and not a native english speaker but don't let that stop you
from beeing harsh on my text.. i am seeking to improve, not stall this thing called a learning process ;-)


-----------------------------
my foot just fell asleep
and i try to get some rest
to get away from this taste of battlefield
and the smell of the dead
Meh, decent picture. First line is too shaky of a basis.

leave me hanging
leave me hanging by a thread
till the spiders with the scissors
tear apart my silver web
I don't like the repitition in the first two lines. I originally didn't like "spiders with sciccors", but it's not bad at all, actually.

and the last shades of dawn
dissapear before the sun
a smiling yellow star
says the battle has been won
You're a tad bit superfluous, but it sounds pretty good.

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we see our own inventions
|with impressions to be lost
|future memories to forgetThis was really weak in my opinion. Lines two, three and four felt like they weren't integrated together. And line one did another repeat, which didn't flow very well.

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we drive our thoughts trough the shredder
|letting the blades do their work
|leave the slivers on a clean slate
"Slate" I don't think was a good way to end the line. The first three lines, however, were excellent (except that flippin' repeat, but that's just a personal bias).

my legs just fell asleep
and i try to get some rest
'cause the days are growing longer
but that's only for the best

i guess i failed
guess i failed your little test
kill the rats, the cockroaches
eradicate the pests
By the end of the stanza, your "sss'es" were having a field day. Too much alliteration, in my opinion.

and i'm a busy man
always wrongly occupied
Oh, I am fortune's fool
leave it to luck when i decide
My only complain is that line two doesn't have a good flow to it.

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we see our own inventions
|with impressions to be lost
|future memories to forget

|but at what cost, at what cost
|did we drive our thoughts trough the shredder
|letting the blades do their work
|leave the slivers on a clean slate


Overall, some decent images. There's not a whole lot to be done here.

Crit mine in my sig?
#3
Sweet thanks, very constructive but i think i'm keeping the repeat though. I'll crit you back as soon as i finish learning for my geology exam. Any other critiques are still welcome