#1
I envy britain. The lack of rain in my town simply doesn't cut the fact that I dream of the cold and wintry. The application forms for the Royal Academy sit on my desk right next to a flute I am attempting to play and a few guitar picks. The microphone, keyboard and bass guitar stand silently, gathering dust as my brand new Les Paul and Fender get the glory of being out in the open, or in their cases; resting.

For some reason this sunny weather and the fact that my friends care about me, requires me to drink and to feel happy while singings songs I can't write.I have no girl problems and believe that maybe, through my lack of experience of writing as well as living that I can't write unless I am on a low, feeling miserable. This writers curse must surely affect others and so, I could quite easily destroy this delicate life I've worked for...

So, to my friends and family, to my ideas of future and past, I breathe simply and slowly (shallowly like before those lessons I took that not only calmed me down but helped my singing), I calmly reply that for the first time in ages, I am not quite apathetic just illiterate when it comes to expressing how much I wish, desire and plead with myself that I wake up and find that I have something else to live for except the new Jack's Mannequin album coming out, supposedly, in August.

The sms's on my phone consist mostly of girls.
The occasional male; asking for advice on girls, poetry - or simply my only real masculine friend; Bronte, insulting me or making comments on the local politics, Elmer Fudd, in particular, ****s us both. Kevin Rudd, is his real name, but the rhyme and simple similie of Elmer Fudd shooting the **** out of everything but the bunny really explains what me and Bronte think of the 4th rate rise in Rudd's time of less than 6 months while he bitched about Howards 3 over 12 years... Hypocritical much you young bastard?

The only messages on my phone that make much sense are Sam's
That ex who seems to stay in my life, whether I want it or not...
Those bitter messages that we bombard each other with, whether lyrics or mentioning songs that stop us from sleeping, always make me smile, because I simply feel like she gets me. And the fact that my other best female friend and I are so completely in sync, that I am having sympathy pains.

I apologise for this rant, I think maybe the fact I got enough sleep last night - thanks to those pills my mother gave me - that I am thinking simply and plainly for the first time in months... One thing I promise you all... I simply DON'T miss her...


Everyone I say that to looks at me and grins...
“Now who the **** do you think you're kidding, Matt?”
Smile, grin, laugh, walk away
Well there goes my tranquility...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Jun 11, 2008,
#2
that got boring fast. i stopped reading after the 2nd sentence. no offence or anything though... im sure theres a point in it somewhere
#3
Matt (I think?) - This is begging to be put into proper prose form. Begging. There's nothing worse than reading obvious prose broken arbitrarily into poetic form.

The content was cool and seemed like something fresh from you. But I daren't go into it fully in the wrong form, because that would sway my critique and make everything far less accurate.
#4
Cheers Jammy (And yeah it's Matt :p, is it Jamie or Jammie?)

And I was fighting whether or not to make it fully prose or not and I have now, cheers, I just couldn't decide whether to or not, thanks
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#5
Jamie

Watch the fourth paragraph. There is a bitch of a long sentence in there, lol.

I quite enjoyed reading this. There's nothing really much to say, from my point of view; you had a story and you executed it in a decent enough way. While I think this is just a starting point in pieces like this and you couuld probably go better in time, this was a good read.
#6
Quote by Auals
I envy britain. The lack of rain in my town simply doesn't cut the fact1 that I dream of the cold and wintry. The application forms for the Royal Academy sit on my desk right next to a flute I am attempting to play and a few guitar picks. The microphone, keyboard and bass guitar stand silently, gathering dust as my brand new Les Paul and Fender get the glory of being out in the open, or in their cases; resting.2

For some reason this sunny weather and the fact that my friends care about me, requires me to drink and to feel happy while singings songs I can't write.I have no girl problems and believe that maybe, through my lack of experience of writing3 as well as living that I can't write unless I am on a low, feeling miserable. This writers curse must surely affect others and so, I could quite easily destroy this delicate life I've worked for...

Setting aside the spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes, these three just annoyed me:

1. Trying to splice together two different idioms.
2. The mics, keyboard and bass are "standing silently", but the LP and Fender "get the glory of being out in the open" - que?
3. This is obvious, and doesn't require mentioning.

I gave up reading after that.
#7
It's long... that's all I can say. I mean, subject matter is fine and all, but it didn't pull me in. Rather, it didn't continue to pull me in. Also, maybe it's just me, but your format really had my thoughts rambling on. It was just word after word after word after word. No mental pausing for me to recollect my thoughts. Sure, you may say that there's a pause at each period, but the individual phrases also require thought, too. I'm sure you've thought about the format and, given all issues, went ahead with it anyway. I rant too much on this type of thing, but I've yet been truly captivated by something in this format. It's really, REALLY difficult to work.

In my honest opinion. You can throw my comment out if you like...

Crit mine?
#8
Quote by blue_strat
Setting aside the spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes, these three just annoyed me:

1. Trying to splice together two different idioms.
2. The mics, keyboard and bass are "standing silently", but the LP and Fender "get the glory of being out in the open" - que?
3. This is obvious, and doesn't require mentioning.

I gave up reading after that.


Thanks for the crit man. However, before telling me I have no experience try and read some of my other pieces. The two i've posted lately are not my favourites. I have been writing for almost 5 years now. This is prose and me getting my idea out, not the writing that I normally do and that is what I meant by my lack of writing experience, that it was in that style.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."