#1
Erm... so I haven't posted in a while, but here's something I wrote a while back. Thoughts, comments, whatnot would be appreciated. Crit for crit =]

Untitled (for now)

So let’s lock lips
and I won’t forget
to keep the key because
I know that this is
our last kiss
and my last wish
is for you to just
keep your distance.

But you won’t stop
and I can’t start

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

It appears that you’ve
got a condition
where contrition is
slightly past impossible.
And it doesn’t help
that the scattered shards
of your broken promise
lay embedded in my heart.

But you won’t leave
because I won’t come running

with open arms,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

*Guitar solo? Then tempo slows down a little.*

Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d hold me close by your side.
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d put an end to all the lies.
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished that maybe I could start

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

Forgive me,
forget all that I’ve done
because I’m beginning to see
I wasn’t the only one
who realized
what we were doing.
And what started this
was that simple kiss.
#2
So let’s lock lips
and I won’t forget
to keep the key because
I know that this is
our last kiss
and my last wish
is for you to just
keep your distance.
-the tone you are setting is good
-however, i don't care for the rhyming pattern; it seems as though you are all over the place


But you won’t stop
and I can’t start
-yes

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.
-I'm having trouble finding the flow, but I'm sure that is just because of the lack of music
-nice usage of big words


It appears that you’ve
got a condition
where contrition is
slightly past impossible.
And it doesn’t help
that the scattered shards
of your broken promise
lay embedded in my heart.
-good, but I've never heard of "contrition"; is that just another big word? (I'm being serious)

But you won’t leave
because I won’t come running
-yes

with open arms,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.
-yes

*Guitar solo? Then tempo slows down a little.*

Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d hold me close by your side.
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d put an end to all the lies.
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished that maybe I could start
-this would make a great bridge; as you said the tempo slows a bit here

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.
-yes

Forgive me,
forget all that I’ve done
because I’m beginning to see
I wasn’t the only one
who realized
what we were doing.
And what started this
was that simple kiss.
-good ending
-I was caught off guard by the rhyming pattern but then I noticed it so nevermind


Critique for critique perhaps?
#4
Quote by live_for_music
Erm... so I haven't posted in a while, but here's something I wrote a while back. Thoughts, comments, whatnot would be appreciated. Crit for crit =]

Untitled (for now)

So let’s lock lips
and I won’t forget
to keep the key because
I know that this is
our last kiss
and my last wish
is for you to just
keep your distance.
this stanza contradicted itself. in the beginning you're talking about locking lips and keeping the key, which makes me think you want to stay together, but then you switch to wanting distance... maybe i'm just not getting it. *shrugs*

But you won’t stop
and I can’t start

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

It appears that you’ve
got a condition
where contrition is
slightly past impossible.
And it doesn’t help
that the scattered shards
of your broken promise
lay embedded in my heart.
i liked the alliteration in the first few lines, but then i forgot how much i liked it when i read the second half. its a tad bit cheese/cliche for my tastes.

But you won’t leave
because I won’t come running

with open arms,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

*Guitar solo? Then tempo slows down a little.*

Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d hold me close by your side.
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d put an end to all the lies.
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished that maybe I could start
i thought this went on for too long. it would work much better if you shortened it. as it is, the repetition gets to be a bit too much.

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

Forgive me,
forget all that I’ve done
because I’m beginning to see
I wasn’t the only one
who realized
what we were doing.
And what started this
was that simple kiss.


this wasn't bad, just a few overused images in there, but other than that a good read.

thanks for the comment on my piece.
ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#5
And it doesn’t help
that the scattered shards
of your broken promise
lay embedded in my heart.


This is great this bit
#6
Quote by live_for_music
Erm... so I haven't posted in a while, but here's something I wrote a while back. Thoughts, comments, whatnot would be appreciated. Crit for crit =]

Untitled (for now)

So let’s lock lips
and I won’t forget
to keep the key because
I know that this is
our last kiss
and my last wish
is for you to just
keep your distance.

But you won’t stop
and I can’t start

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

It appears that you’ve
got a condition
where contrition is
slightly past impossible.
And it doesn’t help
that the scattered shards
of your broken promise
lay embedded in my heart.

The content is nice but the line breaks here and in the first verse make it seem too much like a list. It's really messing with the flow, but I guess if sung right that wouldn't be an issue.

But you won’t leave
because I won’t come running

I would like that a lot more if the "because" was an "and".

with open arms,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

The subtle rhymes add a lot to this.

*Guitar solo? Then tempo slows down a little.*

Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d hold me close by your side.
I would replace "just" with "wished" and start the next line with "you'd".
Every night you yelled
and every night I cried.
Every night I just
wished you’d put an end to all the lies.
Every night you yelled *
and every night I cried. *
Every night I just
wished that maybe I could start

*These two lines are losing their appeal, they've been repeated too many times, especially since this isn't the chorus.

forgiving you,
forgetting all that you’ve done
and now it’s starting to seem
like I’m the only one
who realizes
just what we’re doing.
An armistice
was made by our lips.

Forgive me,
forget all that I’ve done
because I’m beginning to see
I wasn’t the only one
who realized
what we were doing.
And what started this
was that simple kiss.



A little repetitive at times, but once I got around that I found it to be a pretty good song. Mind giving the new one in my sig (Best Wishes) a once over?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.