#1
First rap-stylish song I've tried to write.

Make up my mind:

I've got to make up my mind,
Too many times I've tried
But now let me use my rhymes.

They're the only solution in times of need,
It's with what my emotions only seem to feed.
And now they'll tell me what I need.

What I want is what I need to find
I've loved you for way to many times
You're the one that made my heart catch fire,
and you're still the one that he desires

But he's bleeding now, making it even harder to stay alive,
So let me take this dive, in my mind, to find.. What is, Right.


Thanks for reading!
C4C.
Last edited by Scarlatti at Jun 11, 2008,
#2
i reallly like this, i can read it more as a fastrap than a song or peom, but i reallllyyy like it =D
#3
Quote by Scarlatti
What I want is what I need to find
I've loved you for way to many times
You're the one that made my heart caught (Sp?) on fire,
and you're still the one that he desires.


Try "catch" on fire just to stay consistent with the tenses.
Better yet. Maybe try "You're the one that made my heart catch fire."

Just a thought... Good work, I enjoyed it

Crit mine? (In my sig)
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 11, 2008,
#4
My main beef with this is some awkward wording. Considering you said it was rap stylish, it should have a good flow, and be easy to say/sing. Certain parts like "with what" are hard to say after eachother, which would make it difficult to perform. Also, you probably wouldn't want to use need twice in the same stanza, especially as a rhyming word. I know it's only your first, and the thoughts are there, but I think if you took a step back, maybe read it aloud, you'll get a better flow going. Reading anything rap out loud is the best way to determine if it will work.

Check out mine "After School Special" (probably around here somewhere) if you feel like you've got the time.
#5
This is OK. There a few parts that could be made better, though. I agree with rush4life, the wording in a lot of the lines is kind of weird. Also, I'm a little confused because I thought, at the beginning, that you liked the girl but then near the end, some other guy likes her? There are a few spots to work on. Thanks for the crit on mine, and I hope this crit helps you.