#1
The light is shining so bright,
Yet Its not coming for me,
I'm waiting on the sky,
The gates seem so clear,
As daylight dies,
So is the feeling of coming home,

I stand alone,
Death leaving me behind,
I had faith,
Just to be with you,

(Breakdown)
I forced the rapture,
I brought the key,
Is this my curse,
Listen to me,

As the dream fades,
I'm flying on Immortal wings,
I'm not waiting to be taken home,
I stand alone with friends,
Shouting our message,
Burden of our gift,

(Soft Ending)
So close to my soul,
So far from my body,
This gift....of inspiration,
I'll sing it to the end,
Quote by Mad Mike 829
Girl: Thats not that difficult
Teacher: Of course not, I wouldnt star you on something hard
Girl: I wanna see something hard
Me & Freind: Thats what she said!

ended up getting kicked out for disrupting class
Last edited by Myxer at Jun 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by Myxer
The light is shining so bright,
Yet Its not coming from me,
I'm waiting on the sky,
The gates seem so clear,
I brought the key,
But St. Peter let me in,
The first two lines signify that the speaker is God, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, then. But then "St. Peter let's me in". You need to define the perspective. Also, the last line sticks out, partially because it doesn't rhyme. The scheme is unique, but that last line rhyming would tie it all together.

I stand alone,
Dying leaving me behind,
"Death", not "dying".
I had faith,
Just to be with you,
I see you across the gates,
Last line really has no purpose. If you're going to have five lines, you better have a good reason.

(Breakdown)
I forced the rapture,
I brought the key,
I'm not leaving,
She was meant to be with me,
Last two lines don't fit. Third line is too short, fouth is too long.

As the dream fades,
A fire burns in my soul,
Puuuh-lease. Fire is the most overused cliche in the book, and you put it in the same line as "soul". And the phrase "dream fades" isn't helping that cause eather.
I'm not waiting to be taken home,
I stand alone with friends,
Shouting our message,
Burden of our gift,

(Soft Ending)
So close to my soul,
So far from my body,
I understand this gift,
I'll sing it to the end,
Meh. It's okay. "Understand" isn't doing you good here, though.

Apparently I'm awesome because no-one save 1 person has commented on anyone of my songs.
yea me..


It's okay...
#4
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
It's okay...
ha i was doing revisions then i read your post.... THANK YOU i post my rough drafts up here first then do revisions. I change everything you said before i read it. then i read it and went back again. the only thing left was the "Understand" so i changed it. on something else where do you et god from the fist two lines. i was trying to portray a person looking at the gates of heaven....
Quote by Mad Mike 829
Girl: Thats not that difficult
Teacher: Of course not, I wouldnt star you on something hard
Girl: I wanna see something hard
Me & Freind: Thats what she said!

ended up getting kicked out for disrupting class
#5
'I stand alone with friends' is a bit odd. I think I comprehend the idea of the 'lonely message' associated with Christianity but I still think it needs a touch up.

You already have 'I stand alone' earlier so maybe 'I stand alongside friends'.