#1
I started this last night. I still might add onto it. Thoughts?


Jesus is sitting on his throne
with a bullet hole in his head.
A gun lies smoking at his side.
He lived white but still bleeds red.

Woe is us, the jet black sheep.
staring dumbly at the sky.
Animal cry’s quickly turn
to completely human “Whys?”

Satan sits upon his throne
staring bleakly at the flames.
“It seems the game is over.
What a shame, what a shame.”

The moon becomes the sun
at dawn of the nineteenth day.
It’s white hot cold around the world.
Hurry sheep, come out to play!

I watch this through my window.
It’s scary how my mind is blank.
Goodbye blue world. Hello dark.
What a shame. What a shame.
#2
Quote by Solemn Silence
I started this last night. I still might add onto it. Thoughts?


Jesus is sitting on his throne
If I remember correctly, the meter here is iambic. Meaning "short sound followed by long sound". Having "Jesus" at the beginning throws that off. Try pulling "is" out and beginning the line with "There's".
with a bullet hole in his head.
A gun lies smoking at his side.
He lived white but still bleeds red.
These lines like to squeeze in an extra long-syllable word. It ruins the flow.

Woe is us, the jet black sheep.
staring dumbly at the sky.
Animal cry’s quickly turn
to completely human “Whys?”
Didn't like the last two lines.

Satan sits upon his throne
staring bleakly at the flames.
“It seems the game is over.
What a shame, what a shame.”
Again, the last two lines flowed poorly.

The moon becomes the sun
at dawn of the nineteenth day.
It’s white hot cold around the world.
I don't follow this.
Hurry sheep, come out to play!

I watch this through my window.
It’s scary how my mind is blank.
Goodbye blue world. Hello dark.
What a shame. What a shame.
Other than the final line, this stanza is probably my favorite.


Decent. The problem I noticed is that your flow was a tad bit crowded. You'd go one syllable past the limit. That's acceptable IF it's a short syllable. But instead, it's a long syllable, annd it stops your flow like a speed bump. We can't move forward until that word is finished. Short syllables are the asphalt of poetry. You can step on it, take it slow, burn rubber on it, dish out all your abuse, but it still works. Now tell me that you can go 80mph over a speedbump...

PS: Crit mine in my sig if you get the chance...
#4
Quote by Solemn Silence
I started this last night. I still might add onto it. Thoughts?


Jesus is sitting on his throne
with a bullet hole in his head.
A gun lies smoking at his side.
He lived white but still bleeds red.
The last sentance ruined the flow. Other then that, nice.

Woe is us, the jet black sheep.
staring dumbly at the sky.
Animal cry’s quickly turn
to completely human “Whys?”
There is no rhyme nor flow in this part

Satan sits upon his throne
staring bleakly at the flames.
“It seems the game is over.
What a shame, what a shame.”

The moon becomes the sun
at dawn of the nineteenth day.
It’s white hot cold around the world.
Hurry sheep, come out to play!

I watch this through my window.
It’s scary how my mind is blank.
Goodbye blue world. Hello dark.
What a shame. What a shame.



You could make something nice out of this, but spent some more time on it, work on the flow and the rhyming.

Crit my newest song if you have the time? Number 5 in my sig.