#1
I guess it's rock... acoustic rock? Soft rock?

For this song I was inspired by something I guess could be called either odd or obvious. I was driving (being driven) home from somewhere and it was night and raining and I noticed that the road (which was wet) reflected everything, and the colors of the stop lights were just very intriguing to me.

This songs rhythm is 8 beats and slow and it fits 6 chords into the eight beats. The last 3 chords are strummed fast compared to the tempo. And the Outro is finger pickerd on a: (1) & 2 (3) & 4 basis (I hope that made sense… )


So anyways, C4C and thanks for reading.

Underneath the Street

[Verse]
Midnight moon won’t you come around?
Such soft spoken words that I couldn’t really hear the sound
but I told you I was listening
to your heart, beat right next to mine. Hide
cuz the banging of the drums are nearing sight
Carry you off to this sea
of disbelief
I’m backed into a corner
so any other day I would love to mourn you
But I’m,
I’m just a little tied up right now

[Chorus]
I know you see the rain
I think it’s coming down
Makes a pool of pulsing colors
All you need to do is:
Look in my direction, the reflections…
…are sending chill vibes through your feet

[Verse]
Morning sun won’t you come and shine?
We don’t care if we’re blinded by the light
Just as long as we can hear you
Count back from 10
So we can start a new trend where the:
Fire water (kinda sorta) can get along
Without putting each other out…
…or down. Underneath the street the colors…
…seem so much brighter than they did before.
So much brighter than they were before.

[Chorus]
I know you see the rain
I think it’s coming down
Makes a pool of pulsing colors
All you need to do is:
Look in my direction, the reflections…
…are sending chill vibes through your feet

[Verse]
(NOTE: This verse is confusing because the end of one idea is the start of another, I’ll put asterisk’s ( * ) where this happens. Don’t worry this is a short verse. )

Crashing waves just please don’t drown
You’re vigil eyes watching keep water in the *Sound*
resonating off every wall
crawling through the mud cause they don’t care at *All*
your life you’ve been waiting for this one chance…

[Very slow and pretty bass solo]


*[Silence]*
*[Finger picking]*

[Outro, Finger picking is continued in the background]
(NOTE: It has a similar rhythm to The Beatles “Girl”. But it’s finger picked and the pitches are very different)

It’s raining on a cloudless day
Makes me wanna come back tomorrow
But this silence is slowly teaching me…
…to stay out of the shadows
Run, cuz’ nothing’s as cold as what’s melting away
It’s etched into the walls of your favorite place
And hey I’ve been thinkin’ about how to say,
“That’s where I’ll stay”
“That’s where I‘ll stay”


Hope you like it
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 15, 2008,
#2
i like this much more than your previous.
the opening looks like trouble, though.
Midnight moon won’t you come around?
Such soft spoken words that I couldn’t really hear the sound

you have 3 followed by 5 in the first line
and 5 (no problem, such is anticipated) followed by 9 in the second.
no matter how you slice it, that's gonna create a clutter in the second line.
you'll do well to focus on paring that down.
even if the meaning strays slightly from your original intention,
getting this off on a tight rhythm will set the tone for the rest of the piece.

i'll let others weigh in on the rest of the song.
good luck!
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 11, 2008,
#3
SYK, are the numbers representing the syllables? I don’t understand.

As with my previous piece, I have the rhythm worked out already, it was just confusing putting it in text.

Thanks for your crit and when you get a chance please explain the numbers to me. Your advice is always helpful and I want to understand.


Anything you want me to crit? (I know I’m not a very good critic but I’ll do my best )
#4
i like this one a lot. the word choice is really good. also i like the words with meanings in both lines (the part with the asterisks).
#5
Quote by JordanRRR
i like this one a lot. the word choice is really good. also i like the words with meanings in both lines (the part with the asterisks).


Thanks man. Lemme now when you write another song because I owe you a crit now.
#6
Quote by O-52-A-50-R

Underneath the Street

[Verse]
Midnight moon won’t you come around?
Such soft spoken words that I couldn’t really hear the sound
I agree with SYK, this is waaay too much.
but I told you I was listening
to your heart, beat right next to mine. Hide
This line is cliche, and ending with "hide" creates a phrase (which consists only of the word "hide"). Now, rather than a thought or emotion, you have an interjection, which has no real place here.
cuz the banging of the drums are nearing sight
Carry you off to this sea
of disbelief
I’m backed into a corner
so any other day I would love to mourn you
But I’m,
I’m just a little tied up right now
I don't know how to think of these. I mean, some transitions feel like they have potential, but I'm just not in to it. Maybe that's just me.

[Chorus]
I know you see the rain
I think it’s coming down
That second line gets us nowhere.
Makes a pool of vibrant colors
All you need to do is:
Look in my direction, the reflections…
…are sending chill vibes through your feet
A lot of your lines are decent transitional pieces, but I think your piece is suffering from a lack of rhythm from which to work from. You can roam all you want, but by the end of the day, you still need a home to rest your head.

[Verse]
Morning sun won’t you come and shine?
We don’t care if we’re blinded by the light
Just as long as we can hear you
Count back from 10
So we can start a new trend where the:
Fire water (kinda sorta) can get along
Interesting internal rhymes, but it didn't feel like a set of ringers. Essentially, you took some fillers into decent status.
Without putting each other out…
…or down. Underneath the street the colors…
…seem so much brighter than they did before.
So much brighter than they were before.

[Chorus]
I know you see the rain
I think it’s coming down
Makes a pool of vibrant colors
All you need to do is:
Look in my direction, the reflections…
…are sending chill vibes through your feet

[Verse]
(NOTE: This verse is confusing because the end of one idea is the start of another, I’ll put asterisk’s ( * ) where this happens. Don’t worry this is a short verse. )

Crashing waves just please don’t drown
You’re vigil eyes watching keep water in the *Sound*
resonating off every wall
crawling through the mud cause they don’t care at *All*
your life you’ve been waiting for this one chance…

[Very slow and pretty bass solo]


*[Silence]*
*[Finger picking]*

[Outro, Finger picking is continued in the background]
(NOTE: It has a similar rhythm to The Beatles “Girl”. But it’s finger picked and the pitches are very different)

It’s raining on a cloudless day
Makes me wanna come back tomorrow
But this silence is slowly teaching me…
…to stay out of the shadows
Run, cuz’ nothing’s as cold as what’s melting away
It’s etched into the walls of your favorite place
And hey I’ve been thinkin’ about how to say,
“That’s where I’ll stay”
“That’s where I‘ll stay”
In my opinion, the best part of the piece. Mainly, the last five lines.


Hope you like it


Interesting use of rhythmic changes and even some internal rhymes. Sounds like you have music lined up, so your on a roll...

Crit mine in my sig, please?
#7
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Interesting use of rhythmic changes and even some internal rhymes. Sounds like you have music lined up, so your on a roll...

Crit mine in my sig, please?


Regarding your crit on the "Hide". I put a period where a phrase ends. I was just trying ot seprate the lines based on chord changes and rhymes.

The whole line goes: Hide, cuz the banging of the drums are nearing sight.

And yeah I agree, the "heart" thing is cliche.

Thanks for the crit . I'll get right on critting yours
#8
i really like the images that this puts in my mind. it kind of reminds me of Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden for some reason. sorry i don't have much to contribute, i'm not too good at this kind of thing
Rock In Peace, Ronnie James Dio

my gear:
Charvel Model 4
Custom Superstrat w/ DiMarzios (under construction)
Peavey Vypyr
saving up for a better amp
#9
Wow! Good job, that is A LOT to process really quickly, unfortunately I gotta get to work but come tomorrow this will have a lengthy in-depth crit on it. Have a look at mine while I'm gone (Stricknine) and hopefully you'll like it. Cheers, pal.
Knock, Knock

Who's there?


I Fucked your sister
#10
Quote by O-52-A-50-R
I guess it's rock... acoustic rock? Soft rock?

For this song I was inspired by something I guess could be called either odd or obvious. I was driving (being driven) home from somewhere and it was night and raining and I noticed that the road (which was wet) reflected everything, and the colors of the stop lights were just very intriguing to me.

This songs rhythm is 8 beats and slow and it fits 6 chords into the eight beats. The last 3 chords are strummed fast compared to the tempo. And the Outro is finger pickerd on a: (1) & 2 (3) & 4 basis (I hope that made sense… )


So anyways, C4C and thanks for reading.

Underneath the Street

[Verse]
Midnight moon won’t you come around?
Such soft spoken words that I couldn’t really hear the sound
but I told you I was listening
to your heart, beat right next to mine. Hide
cuz the banging of the drums are nearing sight
Carry you off to this sea
of disbelief
I’m backed into a corner
so any other day I would love to mourn you
But I’m,
I’m just a little tied up right now

i didnt get the banging of the drums part but other than that this one is good i like the moonlight part


[Chorus]
I know you see the rain
I think it’s coming down
Makes a pool of vibrant colors
All you need to do is:
Look in my direction, the reflections…
…are sending chill vibes through your feet
just 1 question y chill vibes through ur feet y not down ur back

[Verse]
Morning sun won’t you come and shine?
We don’t care if we’re blinded by the light
Just as long as we can hear you
Count back from 10
So we can start a new trend where the:
Fire water (kinda sorta) can get along
Without putting each other out…
…or down. Underneath the street the colors…
…seem so much brighter than they did before.
So much brighter than they were before.
the blinded by the light kinda seems outa place u might wana think of another way to put that i really like the pauses and stuff


[Chorus]
I know you see the rain
I think it’s coming down
Makes a pool of vibrant colors
All you need to do is:
Look in my direction, the reflections…
…are sending chill vibes through your feet

[Verse]
(NOTE: This verse is confusing because the end of one idea is the start of another, I’ll put asterisk’s ( * ) where this happens. Don’t worry this is a short verse. )

Crashing waves just please don’t drown
You’re vigil eyes watching keep water in the *Sound*
resonating off every wall
crawling through the mud cause they don’t care at *All*
your life you’ve been waiting for this one chance…
is it sposeed to say all twice i dont get it
[Very slow and pretty bass solo]


*[Silence]*
*[Finger picking]*

[Outro, Finger picking is continued in the background]
(NOTE: It has a similar rhythm to The Beatles “Girl”. But it’s finger picked and the pitches are very different)

It’s raining on a cloudless day
Makes me wanna come back tomorrow
But this silence is slowly teaching me…
…to stay out of the shadows
Run, cuz’ nothing’s as cold as what’s melting away
It’s etched into the walls of your favorite place
And hey I’ve been thinkin’ about how to say,
“That’s where I’ll stay”
“That’s where I‘ll stay”
like how the very end repeats

Hope you like it



pretty kool man i like how u explained the type of song i flows pretty good

and one last thing i play bass and in my opinion bass solos cant be slow and pretty.haha

thx for the crit u gave me helped a lot
#11
Thanx for the comments theunseen13. I'll answer your questions/confusions:


Quote by theunseen13
i didnt get the banging of the drums


"Banging of the drums" would be a way to symbolize war.

Quote by theunseen13
just 1 question y chill vibes through ur feet y not down ur back

I figured if they started at your feet they'd still have a place left to go.

Quote by theunseen13

is it sposeed to say all twice i dont get it


Yes, it would look like this if you actually said it twice:

Crawling through the mud cause they don’t care at all.

_________________

All your life you’ve been waiting for this one chance…


Hope that helps to clear stuff up, and again, thanks for the crit.
#12
Man, overall, I have nothing bad to say about this. It makes me think of something Neil Young would do with Crazy Horse. The only suggestion I would make is the "makes a pool of vibrant colours" line in the chorus. A lot of the lyrics sound kind of vague and cool, and this line just sounds a little over-descriptive to me. But that's my opinion. Personally, all I would do is remove the word vibrant, especially because you have the word vibes shortly after it. Unless that's what you're going for. Like I said, I dig it, and "vibrant" is my only criticism.
#13
Quote by Hasil
Man, overall, I have nothing bad to say about this. It makes me think of something Neil Young would do with Crazy Horse. The only suggestion I would make is the "makes a pool of vibrant colours" line in the chorus. A lot of the lyrics sound kind of vague and cool, and this line just sounds a little over-descriptive to me. But that's my opinion. Personally, all I would do is remove the word vibrant, especially because you have the word vibes shortly after it. Unless that's what you're going for. Like I said, I dig it, and "vibrant" is my only criticism.


I actually didn't even realize I said vibe/vibrant twice basically in a row.

What do you think of:
"Pool of pulsing colors"
"... dazzling colors"
"...shimmering colors"
"...gleaming colors." ?

For now I'll make it "pulsing colors" but let me know what you think. As well as everyone, tell me what you think.

And thank you Hasil
#14
Yeah, pulsing sounds a lot better. Personally, I'd just leave it at colours, but it's your tune, man.