#1
Hello everyone,

This is my first posting but not my first song that I have written. I'll let you guys make up your mind what it's about. Any type of criticism is good as long as it's constructive. I hope you enjoy.

Hurt and Shame

Verse 1
Looking back at times gone by
You had it tough, God only knows
The pushing, hustling, their roaming hands
Was all you'd ever known

Verse 2
The booze and drugs, they took their toll
It helped to ease the pain
It was all that you could ever do
To stop from going insane

Chorus
Pointing fingers are to blame
You're only playing their game
All through life you've delt with the pain
Time to end the hurt and shame
Time to end the hurt and shame

Verse 3
Was it your fault ?
You yhought it was, you thought it was
How could you have ever known
When your only six years old

Verse 4
The injured they say they injure again
So the say, so they say
God help your soul
Not if they have their own way

Chorus
Pointing fingers are to blame
You're only playing their game
All through life you've dealt with the pain
Time to end the hurt and shame
Time to end the hurt and shame
#2
Hurt and Shame

Verse 1
Looking back at times gone by
You had it tough, God only knows
you do an ABCB rhyme scheme on even numbered verses,
but the odd ones, not.
this one is slightly unpleasant, because of the similarities
between knows and known.

The pushing, hustling, their roaming hands
Was all you'd ever known

Verse 2
The booze and drugs, they took their toll
unless you're really pressed for the unstressed syllables,
you could drop either The or they.
this will clean up some clutter.

It helped to ease the pain
you begin this line and the next with It.
but might be more useful as a replacement in this one.
shows a linkage to the previous while adding variety to the beginning of the lines.

It was all that you could ever do
To stop from going insane

Chorus
Pointing fingers are to blame
i'm not certain what's being said here.
are you saying that those who cast the blame are the ones who are at fault?
if not,
Fingers quickly point to blame
gets a different message across,
although i'm only guessing at what you're after.

You're only playing their game
something about the structure / rhythym of this feels unsettled
i can't put my finger on exactly why.

All through life you've delt with the pain *dealt
Time to end the hurt and shame
Time to end the hurt and shame

Verse 3
Was it your fault ?
You yhought it was, you thought it was *typo
you could drop the second instance of you and begin the repeat at thought.
either leave a pause, or come right at it.
whichever suits the rhythm best.

How could you have ever known
When your only six years old
your should be you're.
but preferably you were.
this puts it in the right tense to match with the previous.
if this causes a problem with the rhythm, you can also drop When.


Verse 4
The injured they say they injure again
So the say, so they say
i can't follow this. try for more clarity.
God help your soul
Not if they have their own way

Chorus
Pointing fingers are to blame
You're only playing their game
All through life you've dealt with the pain
Time to end the hurt and shame
Time to end the hurt and shame
the last time through the chorus,
you could change the final line to
Time can end the hurt and shame
and/or
Time will end the hurt and shame
it will add a bit of hope.
Meadows
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#3
Cheers mate,
I very much appreciate the constructive criticism there. You have raised some very valid points.
I will take these ideas onboard and see how it fits in with the song.
Once again thanks for your time