#1
i raised the funds
and i built the ship
went through all the rigorous tranning
so that i could see you

i'd pick the day
that i light the fuse
2 months from now on june 22
see if i can make it out of the atmosphere

i've got my suit
and im in the ship
waiting for countdown 10 to 1
bus on through the sky's canvus

so here i am in deep space
nothing but a black void in front of me
and i hope that im floating in the right direction

i am going in circles around you
cought in your gravitational pull
turns out im just another moon
in your orbit
#2
Firstl of all, catchy title. Its what attracted me to your piece in the first place

okay so...

"i raised the funds
and i built the ship
went through all the rigorous tranning
so that i could see you

i'd pick the day
that i light the fuse
2 months from now on june 22 (I really liked it all through here, especially the "raised the funds part", dont know why)
see if i can make it out of the atmosphere" <- I think you should make this line shorter, It seems to stick out

{Grammar correction:
I PICKED the day
that I'D light the fuse
TWO months from now on JUNE 22}

"i've got my suit
and im in the ship
waiting for countdown 10 to 1
bus on through the sky's canvus" <-I didn't like Stanza three at all. It was cliche, especially the countdown to 10 part. maybe you could write about how excited/nervous he is. It's canvas btw

so here i am in deep space
nothing but a black void in front of me
and i hope that im floating in the right direction

i am going in circles around you
cought in your gravitational pull
turns out im just another moon
in your orbit <- Good ending. Metaphor makes you think

So, I liked the whole space theme because It makes me feel all "dreamy". It had a hint of 80's to it, sort of old-fashioned sci fi.


crit pls. http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=877856&highlight=jewelry
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
Every time I always feel your pieces are flawed in some respects yet it brings a smile to my face.

Always such an honest read.