#1
The ambles on the idle yard
gleams the unraveled garden.
The fog that’s destined to die
takes us to a withered hotel.
The unresolved honeymoon;
revelation of the soul-
the meaningless glare
as we waltz to the elegy.

The beatific vision;
faith is the handsaw.
The bartender
and the synthetic regime-
the kingdom of demise.
The world is the oyster;
I veil the transgression.
#2
The fog that’s destined to die

Seemed little cliche and weak as compared to the rest of the imagery


The bartender
and the synthetic regime-
the kingdom of demise.


A little forced association here and it feels little disjointed .

maybe "artificial" instead of "synthetic " just flows better.

Overall it was really good . The association of philosophy with such simple things was really cool idea .I really liked the line "Faith is the handsaw" . A little explanation would have made it much better but it can be me though

Ending seemed little rushed to me but the overall effect was really thought provoking.

I'm drunk now . I might add more later, In case I don't remember this.
Thanks for the critique . Keep posting

Anytime you want critique just let me know

Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Jun 13, 2008,