#1
this is a song i wrote a few days ago. it's supposed to be similar to You Could Be Mine by GNR. keep in mind this is the first draft, so i think it still needs a lot of work. bonus points if you find the reference to smash bros. melee

as i prepared to let you know
you were swept off your feet
we're good friends but i wanted more
but if you're happy i guess it's sweet
you could be mine, but

Chorus:
i can't blame you for taking the offer
i can't blame you because you didn't know
you had no idea that i could save you
my love will follow wherever you go

it's all my fault, there's no way to deny it
i was too slow to make my move
it's nothing new, it's happened before
and still your face i can't ignore
take my thousand points for being an opportunist
i should have learned by now
all my plans shot down in flames
so where do we go now, because

chorus

i think i should be angry
and yet somehow i feel free
probably because i shouldn't worry
about whether you like me
but come on, do you really think
that this is ****ing fair
i was so close to telling you how much i really care
i don't want you to get me wrong
i'm sure that he's a real cool guy
but all i wanted was a chance
to tell you how i feel and why
because i want to say i love you
but i really can't be sure
what i am positive of though
is that you girl are my cure

guitar solo
chorus
more solo

i only hope i get another chance


lines in bold are the ones that i don't really like, but couldn't think of anything better
Rock In Peace, Ronnie James Dio

my gear:
Charvel Model 4
Custom Superstrat w/ DiMarzios (under construction)
Peavey Vypyr
saving up for a better amp
#2
I can't really find a rhythm in this but if you already have one then i guess it's no big deal.

To be honest, it didn't do anything for me. I guess it fits the qualifications of being lyrics to a song but I don't get any meaning out of it other than "So yeah I like this girl. She likes someone else. I am sad." Maybe you could trying telling us more about the girl instead of telling us your problems, because you seems to repeat things in just different words.

Like this:

"as i prepared to let you know
you were swept off your feet"

and

"it's all my fault, there's no way to deny it
i was too slow to make my move"

and

"i was so close to telling you how much i really care"

and

"but all i wanted was a chance
to tell you how i feel and why"

...Ok the last one is pushing it but the first three quotes are basically the same thing, "I was just about to tell you, and it was too late..."

Remember it's just my opinion. Don't let it bring you down. That being said, you might not care of my opinion at all. Either way keep writing and working hard.

Crit mine? "Underneath the Street" or "Submerged". (In my sig.)
#3
thanks for the input. like i said, this is a VERY rough draft so i know it needs a lot of improvement. also, one of the reasons it's so vague is because i don't want the girl to figure out that it's about her. actually i don't really want anyone to know yet. i didn't even tell the rest of my band who it's about
Rock In Peace, Ronnie James Dio

my gear:
Charvel Model 4
Custom Superstrat w/ DiMarzios (under construction)
Peavey Vypyr
saving up for a better amp
Last edited by ImplementsSG at Jun 12, 2008,
#4
Pretty cool. The only thing I didn't like was "whether you like me". Sounds a bit lame. Maybe "what you think of me?" I don't know. Just a suggestion.
#5
Quote by ImplementsSG
this is a song i wrote a few days ago. it's supposed to be similar to You Could Be Mine by GNR. keep in mind this is the first draft, so i think it still needs a lot of work. bonus points if you find the reference to smash bros. melee

as i prepared to let you know
you were swept off your feet
we're good friends but i wanted more
but if you're happy i guess it's sweet
you could be mine, but

not much was offered here in terms of originality, I've heard it this way too many times. except for the fourth line, I liked that.


Chorus:
i can't blame you for taking the offer
i can't blame you because you didn't know
you had no idea that i could save you
my love will follow wherever you go

it's all my fault, there's no way to deny it
i was too slow to make my move
it's nothing new, it's happened before
and still your face i can't ignore
take my thousand points for being an opportunist
i should have learned by now
all my plans shot down in flames
so where do we go now, because

chorus

i think i should be angry
and yet somehow i feel free
probably because i shouldn't worry
about whether you like me
but come on, do you really think
that this is ****ing fair
i was so close to telling you how much i really care
i don't want you to get me wrong
i'm sure that he's a real cool guy
but all i wanted was a chance
to tell you how i feel and why
because i want to say i love you
but i really can't be sure
what i am positive of though
is that you girl are my cure

guitar solo
chorus
more solo

i only hope i get another chance


lines in bold are the ones that i don't really like, but couldn't think of anything better


sorry to be such a negative nancy, but most of it just seems...recycled if you understand. and dont worry about someone finding out about the true meaning, if you're going to censor yourself, you'll never be fully satisfied.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.