#1
please read this essay. do you think it will work? or should I do it the right way?


Dear ___________ College Honors Program,
I’m nervous. You’ll be my first. I hope I can do this right. I want to do everything with you. We can get into the smaller classes and work together on all the hard problems, and see the world in new and exciting ways. Won’t that be wonderful?
I can show you my life; the books I read, (of course, no words can describe your beauty) the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when I’m not by your side. I can show you my bass playing (I could spend many nights arranging scales into songs for you alone). I play at my church (I am a man of God) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so statistically I can get a nice solid job.
And I can give you so many things! I can help you with history and literature, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. So please, take me as I am, for I am eternally yours.
Love,
Nicolas _______________________

Thanks. If you don't want to read this, you don't have to. some people like reading essays.
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Last edited by the humanity at Jun 12, 2008,
#2
Sounds a bit match.com-ish, but it seems like it could work. I'm not really familiar with Honors essays... if they're normally informal then I'd keep it, if not I'd change it.
#3
i would never send that, but if you want to good luck
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#4
dude, it sounds like you're pleading with them at the start. you say you're nervous. DONT say you're nervous. confidence and building yourself up is key in these things.

do it the right way. unless this is some weird college, this paper probably will not work.

but thats just my opinion, what do i know. i only had to write one paper to get in.
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#5
You sound like you're stalking a celebrity...
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#6
If it's okay to be informal go with it, certainly will keep their attention so they'd read the whole thing. You'd want that.
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#8


That looks like a ****ed up stalker email.

What I would suggest is take out the inexcusably short idiot-sentences.

It's like something a child writes in their diary.

"I went to school. Had good time. Walked dog. Had tea with my mum. Went to bed."
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#9
Quote by kikaykitko
If it's okay to be informal go with it, certainly will keep their attention so they'd read the whole thing. You'd want that.

this is why I did it this way. I'll go make sure it isn't formal.

I also am trying to sound like a nervous guy trying to wow a girl with his killer skills, but sort of failing.

do I really sound like a stalker though? I don't seem to have any 'I will break your pretty pearly neck while I give you true salvation' moments, do I?
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


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#10
Quote by rabidguitarist


That looks like a ****ed up stalker email.

What I would suggest is take out the inexcusably short idiot-sentences.

It's like something a child writes in their diary.

"I went to school. Had good time. Walked dog. Had tea with my mum. Went to bed."

The short sentences help communicate his nervousness and insecurity, I think that's what he was going for. I think a more traditional approach might be better, though.

Quote by the humanity
I also am trying to sound like a nervous guy trying to wow a girl with his killer skills, but sort of failing.

I think a nervous guy failing isn't the type of idea you want them to have about you...
#11
I'm not sure what your requirements are, but I just turned in one of my essays about steroids and a 200 word essay about how I worked my ass off my senior year because I realized what I wanted to do with my life and I was motivated to help myself reach my goals.
I get very tense around apples...Well, I get very tense generally. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit.

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#12
Quote by hrdcorelaxplaya
The short sentences help communicate his nervousness and insecurity, I think that's what he was going for. I think a more traditional approach might be better, though.


I think a nervous guy failing isn't the type of idea you want them to have about you...

hmm. you do have a point. I'll do it more winningly.
I just don't want to be too forward...
tell me when it breaks your heart, okay?
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


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#14
Quote by Untitled001



I think they would just kick me out for having n00blets.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#15
If you do send this in, you better make sure the grammar is 100% perfect.

Also, though, I agree that it comes off a bit creepy and stalker-ish. But hey, if you want to give it a shot, go for it.

I'd only write something like this if I new I'd be rejected for sure with a regular ol' essay. Your choice, though.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#16
VERSION 2

You’ll be my first. Don’t worry though, I can do this right. I want to do everything with you. We can get into the smaller classes and work together on all the hard problems, and see the world in new and exciting ways. I think we’ll like that.
I can show you my life; the books I read, (of course, no words can describe your beauty) the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when you’re not around. I can show you my groovy bass playing, I’m pretty good (I’ll write you a song if you want me to). I play at my church (I am a man of God) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so I definitely will get a nice solid job.
And I can give you so many things! I can help you with history and literature, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. This is your chance of a lifetime, girl, seize the moment!

Is it better? worse?
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#17
i think that the point of an honors essay is to show them that you're reasonably intelligent, more-so than the average student. This does not show that. If it were exceptionally witty, then i'd say differently, but it's not.


and that semicolon in the second paragraph SHOULD be a colon. although the whole thing should probably just be rephrased. (of course none of that matters, because it's a horrible paper!)

damn i'm mean.
Last edited by Glen'sHeroicAct at Jun 12, 2008,
#18
I still find the whole stalker vibe creepy. I know that's what you were going for, but I don't like it.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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^ Irony

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#19
Quote by break-me-in
I still find the whole stalker vibe creepy. I know that's what you were going for, but I don't like it.

I'm not trying to be stalkerish...
what parts really do the creepy?
quote and highlight, please.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#20
Quote by the humanity
VERSION 2
You’ll be my first. Don’t worry though, I can do this right. I want to do everything with you. We can get into the smaller classes and work together on all the hard problems, and see the world in new and exciting ways. I think we’ll like that.
I can show you my life; the books I read, (of course, no words can describe your beauty) the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when you’re not around. I can show you my groovy bass playing, I’m pretty good (I’ll write you a song if you want me to). I play at my church (I am a man of God) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so I definitely will get a nice solid job.
And I can give you so many things! I can help you with history and literature, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. This is your chance of a lifetime, girl, seize the moment!


Those bits. It's just the general personification as well, it doesn't quite work, but that's just my opinion.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#21
Quote by the humanity
VERSION 2

You’ll be my first. Don’t worry though, I can do this right. I want to do everything with you.

In any way are you planning to lose your virginity to this honors program?

You might want to sound like a person graduating from high school who is competent for this program. But keep it interesting like this, just to keep them reading.
Quote by Jackal58
Nothing is stranger than being anonymous.
#22
I'd just like to go on record saying again that this is not a good idea.

Just write a traditional essay. This one tries too hard to funny, falls flat, and ends up creepy.
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#23
I'm guessing it's a formal essay, so try to keep it a bit less casual.
I get very tense around apples...Well, I get very tense generally. I think I've fallen into the trap of blaming fruit.

Jeff


Peavey Studio Pro 112 for sale. Anyone want it?
#24
Quote by kikaykitko
In any way are you planning to lose your virginity to this honors program?



that's great. I'm gonna bang a program.
I'll probably get a F for it too, I suck at secks.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#25
Try sounding intelligent, I believe thats what they're looking for. I don't mean to say that you should use big words or strange vocabulary, but don't call the honors program "Girl", thats just stupid.

All in all, if I were running the acceptance group for this program, I would not let you in. It sounds as though you've taken a letter to a girl, and just sent it to the Honors society or whoever they are.
I wholey understand that you are trying to take a creative route into this, but that style is not the way to go.
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I suggest nicola teslas powered radiation death ray mounted on an orange, top secret, neo-nazi flying swastika

What?
#26
VERSION 3

Hello. This is Nicolas; I hope you enjoyed our last date. Don’t worry though, I can do this right. But there is so much I want to do! We can get into the smaller classes and work together on all the hard problems, and see the world in new and exciting ways. I think we’ll like that.
I can show you my life; the books I read, the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when you’re not around. I can show you my groovy bass playing, I’m pretty good (I’ll write you a song if you want me to). I play at my church (I am a man of God) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so I definitely will get a nice solid job.
I’m going to help you out too, don’t worry. I can help you with history and literature, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. This is your chance girl, seize the moment!

Howzabout now?
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#27
I agree, a bit stalkerish, this would actually sound better

Dear National Treasure College Honors Program,
I’m nervous. You’ll be my first. I hope I can do this right. I want to hunt everything with you. We can get into the smaller caves and screw together on all the hard walls, and see the world in new and exciting ways. Won’t that be wonderful?
I can show you my dick; the girly mags I read, (of course, no words can describe your pussy) the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when I’m not by your side. I can show you my bass (I could spend many nights fishing for you alone). I play at my church (BLOOD AND THUNDER IS ****IN METTLE) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so statistically I can get a nice solid body.
And I can give you so many things! I can help you scratch your balls, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. So please, take me as I am, for I am eternally yours.
Love,
Nicolas Cage
#28
1.what the hell is this about a date?
2.they don't care if you play bass
3.they don't care that you're a man of god
4.they don't care that you're an eagle scout
quit with the girl imagery.
#29
Quote by Twist of fate
I agree, a bit stalkerish, this would actually sound better

Dear National Treasure College Honors Program,
I’m nervous. You’ll be my first. I hope I can do this right. I want to hunt everything with you. We can get into the smaller caves and screw together on all the hard walls, and see the world in new and exciting ways. Won’t that be wonderful?
I can show you my dick; the girly mags I read, (of course, no words can describe your pussy) the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when I’m not by your side. I can show you my bass (I could spend many nights fishing for you alone). I play at my church (BLOOD AND THUNDER IS ****IN METTLE) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so statistically I can get a nice solid body.
And I can give you so many things! I can help you scratch your balls, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. So please, take me as I am, for I am eternally yours.
Love,
Nicolas Cage


I'm sure they will love it.
I can also run around campus with a jock strap on over my spandex shorts and a shirt that says 'don't worry, I already have all those diseases!'

that'll get me real honors.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#30
here's an idea - since it's only a hundred words or so, why don't you compose a poem? like a stream of consciousness thing or something. it'll be clever, which is what i think you're going for, and it won't make you look like a stalker.
#31
Quote by Glen'sHeroicAct
here's an idea - since it's only a hundred words or so, why don't you compose a poem? like a stream of consciousness thing or something. it'll be clever, which is what i think you're going for, and it won't make you look like a stalker.

hmm. I'll try. but I'll keep this around in case it doesn't work.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#32
If you're really set on doing this, all the advice in the world won't do anything.

You can revise it 100 times, I just don't think the concept works..
and this moment keeps on movin'
we were never meant to hold on.
#33
Quote by Acoustic_
If you're really set on doing this, all the advice in the world won't do anything.

You can revise it 100 times, I just don't think the concept works..

I just said I'm going to try it his way...?

did you read? I'm just keeping this one in case I don't like it that way.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#35
You sound like a clumsy teenager asking a girl out, in a stalkerish way
Need fashion advice?

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#36
i enjoyed it. what you have to realize is that they read hundreds of essays a day. if it doesn't stand out you'll get a checkmark saying that you've written one and they won't pay any more attention to it. DO NOT write a traditional essay. You need to be clever, show your personality and be DIFFERENT. That being said, don't bother talking about your accomplishments (eagle scout). that should already be on your application. they probably don't care whether you go to church or not, and given that it's a short essay, that's probably just wasting space, who knows though, it could help. I think it's overall a good idea for an essay, though I'm sure it's been done before.
#37
Quote by pr0pedestrian
i enjoyed it. what you have to realize is that they read hundreds of essays a day. if it doesn't stand out you'll get a checkmark saying that you've written one and they won't pay any more attention to it. DO NOT write a traditional essay. You need to be clever, show your personality and be DIFFERENT. That being said, don't bother talking about your accomplishments (eagle scout). that should already be on your application. they probably don't care whether you go to church or not, and given that it's a short essay, that's probably just wasting space, who knows though, it could help. I think it's overall a good idea for an essay, though I'm sure it's been done before.

thanks. I'm getting nothing good on my attempts at the stream of consciousness.
it all really sucks. I have one good sentence, the rest fails.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#38
Listen, the majority of getting into an Honors College is grades, and I know what you are going for here in being original and creative, but I would secure a spot in the Honors program with a traditional "This is why I deserve to get in, etc." essay, THEN go for the interesting and creative papers in Honors classes. This just does not seem like you are taking it seriously.
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#39
Quote by the humanity
VERSION 3

Hello. This is Nicolas; I hope you enjoyed our last date. Don’t worry though, I can do this right. But there is so much I want to do! We can get into the smaller classes and work together on all the hard problems, and see the world in new and exciting ways. I think we’ll like that.
I can show you my life; the books I read, the fantasy, science fiction, pulp fiction and histories that distract me when you’re not around. I can show you my groovy bass playing, I’m pretty good (I’ll write you a song if you want me to). I play at my church (I am a man of God) every Sunday for worship, and I hope you can come hear me. I am an Eagle Scout, so I definitely will get a nice solid job.
I’m going to help you out too, don’t worry. I can help you with history and literature, and I can commit to giving you lots of ideas for your most outlandish assignments. This is your chance girl, seize the moment!


Howzabout now?

Theres the problem. As far as I know a college honors program isn't animate so the majority of what you said sounds creepy. It looks like your applying for a relationship on match.com or something