#1
"If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection, I thought you said 'inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it." - Jack Handey

post your faves.
I can honestly say I have really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.


I don't always post on UG, but when I do, I post in the Pit. Stay thirsty my friends.
#2
"Sometimes people say things I don't understand, I just nod my head and walk away."-Floppypick
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#3
"I think if your son or daughter asked you why it was raining, it would be cute to tell them, 'It's God crying." And when they ask you why, another cute thing to say would be, 'It's probably something you did.' "


Not heard in so long, I THINK that's how it goes... :/
#4
“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!”

“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”

“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”

“We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

“I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.”

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

“It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”
Quote by SynGates7X

you are indeed mr. awesome.

Quote by Duane_Allman
eckmann88 you sir are a god.

Quote by SavageNights
Oh, you're so damn shallow, eckmann88. They have nice boobs, don't they?

Quote by DraketheFake
good job eckman, seriously, that last one alone would give me an eternal erection!

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#5
"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he'ed eat one of us. Later on we found out it was a bear"

or

"Im afraid of clowns. Maybe thats because I went to the circus and a clown killed my father"
#6
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"Take chances. Do not go through life wishing, instead go through life remembering. There are too many possibilities out there to let them just pass you by. Above all else, have FUN. You only live once, enjoy it while you can."