#1
Love

like chocolate
slip and slide the tongue,

stains your teeth.


An excerpt from series titled "Love".
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 13, 2008,
#2
Very existential.....Yoko Ono would be proud
Knock, Knock

Who's there?


I Fucked your sister
#4
ok dude i don't want to knoe wat ur trying to say here...a lil more would be nice
c4c
#5
oh come now, I'm all for flash verse, but this is just a metaphor, and not a wholly original one at that. The last line was a nice touch, granted. Still, sorry, but I won't have it. I know you can do better than this.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#6
i know i owe you some crits, jamie, but i really have nothing to offer here. will you be posting the whole series?? i think you should.

let me know when you put up another piece, and i'll crit the hell out of it.

when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#7
sorry Jamie, my secret decoder ring must be broken.
i must be dense or something, but i'm just not getting it.

at first i thought it was a simile with the first word omitted, but nothing seems to fit.
and the plural/singular issue between the third and fourth lines seems to lock everything out.

PM me?
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Lol plural/singular issue? There's no such thing here SYK.

The series is just based in different views people may have on love/their relationship. Here, the narrator sees his relationship as something to enjoy and is fun (sense the metre in L2), yet also knows it can have lasting negative effects, whatever they may be.

I wasn't sure whether to have "love" as the title and use titular enjambment or not, but I feel that technique is not striking enough nowadays as it could be. There's also the aspect of leaving it open for the reader, maybe applying the metaphor to other feelings/situations.

Fly (name?) - Thankyou for the comment. Whilst this may not be an amazing piece for me it captured the feeling well. I posted to see if anyone had any ideas on different phrasing or anything. Thankyou for the honesty.

Ray - May post more. Thanks <3

SYK - Well, the above is aimed at you, lol. Pm me if you have anything else or catch me on msn.

Everyone else thanks for checking this out, more so for taking the time to post something in response.

#9
i don't get the line break before "stains the teeth."
is it supposed to be a blank for a noun that the reader inserts? or am i just missing it?
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
It's a pause for enjoyment of the third line. As in savouring the taste of the chocolate like people do.

Or that ws the intent.
#11
ohhhhh.
that was some clever shit.
real, classy, clever shit.
Kent likey.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
I'm sorry for being a complete dick to you a few weeks back Jammydude44. it was uncalled for

as a piece, to give a small crit here, it reminded me of contemporary art.

which is really good.
#14
Quote by parkt921k
I'm sorry for being a complete dick to you a few weeks back Jammydude44. it was uncalled for



Wow, thanks. Vice versa, I guess.

#15
For such a short piece, it really came with a lot of imagery.

I imagined a very red atmosphere, with the chocolate as a side point. It seemed like the last piece of chocolate from a Valentine's day heart-shaped box.

I even tasted this poem. I had this weird memory of some gross cherry-filled chocolate..

But the piece; super awesome! Anything that can evoke such strong imagery in four lines is okay in my book. =D
#16
I agree with Pete, I also thought the line spacing was superb. In a short poem like this that's central, and you did a fine job with it. I'd Love to read the rest of it (no corny pun intended).



Alright I intended it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 14, 2008,
#17
If the imagery is this plain and straightforward throughout the whole "Love" series, I would be pleasant to read it, I read these three lines and felt interested and, at the same time, it wasn't tasteful enough, like a "to be continued..." episode.

More from "Love" !
#19
You know I'm all for wit and "less is more" stuff, Jamie. But really, this just didn't do it. There wasn't even enough here to do anything more than re-write a cliche "love is messy" in slightly more poetic terms. This simply isn't strong enough to stand on its own... it, frankly, is a bit disappointing. I've seen what you can do with small snippets of ideas... and this just wasn't to par. I'd love to read the whole series though... might make this better.

I know this was a dumb comment, but I'd appreciate just a comment to let me know what you thought of my new one (sig). If not, that's cool too.