#1
And if in infancy a trusted adult had seeked pleasure in the company of him.
Disregard of privacy will arise in adolescence.
Everybody shouts "Cut off his cock!"
That rooster never laid an egg.

How is a cage rehabilitation?
What kind of republic nation lets minds rot away like apple cores?
Just save me the seeds.
Maybe if I find some water I can grow a new tree.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jun 13, 2008,
#2
the rhyme was interesting--definitely keep playing with stuff like that.
Asterisks, though? =[
Poetry is about self-expression, so censoring yourself would seem backwards, yes? At any rate, this seemed wordy, and rather unrefined. Work on your phrasings--try to be fresh, original, and lyrical--if that makes any sense.

Anyway,
Best of luck,
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#3
Well I didn't censor it. The forum did that automatically.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
And if in infancy a trusted adult had seeked pleasure in the company of him.
Disregard of privacy will arise in adolescence.
wow, perpetuation in the cycle of abuse.
heavy thought to get across in just two lines.

Everybody shouts "Cut off his cock!"
That rooster never laid an egg.
homonym/homophones are always fun.
(learn to swear, muthafucka.)


How is a cage rehabilitation?
What kind of republic nation lets minds rott away like apple cores?
i disliked the additional t in rot. was there a purpose, or just typo?
Just save me the seeds.
Maybe if I find some water I can grow a new tree.
disturbing thought, Nick. wonderfully disturbing.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Your most impressive since your Wotm, I feel. I don't really have anything to crit.

A nice little read.
#6
Thank you.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#7
PM me and i'll show you how to un-censor.

btw; this was such an improvement.
not much to crit; although, i didn't really get the second "t" in hot either.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
This was refreshing Nick. I was starting to wonder if you were going to end up being a "couple hit wonder." This settled that argument. Great word play, solid ideas, well executed. Good piece.

If you'd like, I'd appreciate quick comment on the new one in my sig... but that is not expected as I didn't really say anything you didn't already know here.