#1
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.

She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.

Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.
#2
That's deep.
Quote by chip46
"I'm discontinuing production on the Timmy now as well. It might come back into production at some point down the road, but probably not because people will just clone it anyway cause they're stupid jerk face doo doo heads. -Paul C."
#3
it does a nice job of being thick without being opaque--that is, it has some depth without sacrificing clarity.

So; props for that.

That said, the first strophe (verse?) makes me cringe a bit. It's so...blatant. It just lays it out, and not in the confessional-cool-Sylvia-Plath kind of way, in the please-I-wish-this-had-some-class kind of way. Honestly, I'd either totally change the first part, or just cut it out. Does it actually add anything? Not really.


Still, it was a nice enough read. Thanks =]
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#4
Love the tongue-in-cheek irony.

I think you might have just mastered that technique with this piece. It really takes a couple reads to digest. You are becoming my Bob Dylan of poetry ( take that as you want). But not in a poetic way, more of a vocal way. I used to despise Bob Dylans voice but now I'm in love with it, I feel the same about yours. If that makes any sense at all.
#5
She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
this is really much more than the obvious contradiction.
it takes just a moment to sink in.
perfect timing.

Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.
dropping side from inside is a nice touch.
i suppose you have to clarify the first two lines for some, by using these two lines.
disappointing, isn't it?
i was curious about Goldie locks rather than Goldilocks
but i googled it, and there are almost 100k references,
so i guess it's not that uncommon.


She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
sneaky, slipping that term in here early.
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.
Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.
this section was alright, but didn't move me as much as the first two lines.
unimportant dirty work seemed ... i dunno ... too much?
maybe something more like obligatory busy work?


Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.

pretty obvious the interpretation of this.
but the meaning of My life is undefined.
the reader wonders if life is meant in the social sense,
or in the mortality sense, as in life endangered by complications.
the uncertainty probably adds to the piece.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 13, 2008,
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly. - Contradictions can work well in lyrics, but when one line is a direct contradiction of another it doesn't really work that well
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in. - Great line. I can see what your angle is at this point

She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.
Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

- This verse has really catchy lyrics, and the lines fit nicely with each other. I really like the line "Drank the holy water so she could piss it out"

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's? - This makes you think. Awesome line
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.


Overall, I really like it, but I would work on the first part and maybe make it a bit longer.

If you wouldnt mind giving my latest lyrics a crit. thanx in advance https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=883727
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

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andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.

I wasn't impressive with thee name droppign although They're relevent to the poem. Name referencing actually, in my opinion, makes things more obscure.

She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.
Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

This was good, but I'll have to agree with Nick about the line breaks. It wasn't used to its full potential. This didn't sound right, "had to stop those pesky saints from setting up shop."

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.

Again about the line breaks here. "Inkling" is too stressed of a word.


Overall It was an Ok read. I think the day you fully master the art of being controversial without bringing up controversial subjects will be the day you become a renowned writer.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.

Nice opener . Contradicts pretty well and sets the tone nicely


Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.

I didn't liked the last line because I don't know to whom you are referring . What i feel is if you are planning to write in such a tone . Either slap reader with description
or paint them a pretty picture . It is just an opinion . it can be me though.


She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.

Pretty good . Clearly what I was talking about earlier . Second line made me laugh.

Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

Since it was in continuation with above bit .It didn't produced the desired effect you were going for .Insert a line break so that it stands out alone and stresses the intentional effect.


Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.

Nice ending .



Like SYK said uncertainty adds to the piece as far as "My life" is concerned . Its fine. There's no need to explain it .

Anyway this reminds me of Neil young.

There's a link in the signature a comment from you would be nice but don't feel obliged
Hi
#9
Black dot.


Just kidding! lolololololol.


Editing crit in:

She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.
---
Nope, not having any of this. It has nice flow and I appreciate what you're trying to do with the names (I actually like the line breaks in the piece a lot). However, the lines are cryptic for the sake of being cryptic and they tell us little about the character herself. You contradict yourself in the first three lines. What is the audience going to think about a writer who cant even agree with himself in the first three lines? They're going to think he is an amateur who cant construct a simple character and therefore not take anything else you say seriously. You can desconstruct, just do it in a constructive way, if that makes sense. Also, who you're describing could not only be anybody, it could also describe everybody in the world. Narrow it down a bit in the opening stanza, make us have a character or situation we can latch onto so we dont immediately lose interest.
---

She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.
Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.
---
Good first line, the rest was too Jules Ffeifer [wiki it]. What I mean by that is that you have nice ideas but the delivery is so:
1. detached (why should we care about/have sympathy for this random girl?),
2. general (too many topics for such a short piece, the audience will almost always prefer one detailed story that demonstrates character than a few general statements vaguely stating the character's mood towards a general idea (of catholicism),
3. without a description of purpose (why does she not like the church? If there is no realistic reason {the pesky saints line is absurdly unrealistic} then, again, we have no reason to care and relate)

---

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.
---
This was well done (except for the stupid italics). But I was unable to really enjoy this payoff because of the aforementioned problems in the setup.
---




hoped I helped a little.

If you please:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=883771
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 13, 2008,
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.

Good opening hook, made me laugh.

She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
Hah, very ironic.
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.
Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

I'm not feeling the last two lines. I think it could be rearranged to sound a lot better.

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.


I enjoyed the way this was comical at times, but remained serious throughout the piece, made for a fun read
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
Thanks everyone.

Nick (and others with his view): the line breaks were my "project" for this piece. I wanted the piece to be ugly, to show the controversy of the girl. I also wanted to use it to over emphasize the bad parts of her.

Fred: Those aren't "name-dropping" they are actually well known. One is a fairy tale character, that most American's are familiar with... and the other is a historical figure of wide renown.

Dyl-Pickle: I don't see how the pesky saints line is unrealistic, Anyone in church will tell you that your saint (plus others) are always watching over you and guiding you. And the vagueness on everything was intentional... I wanted it to be relatable, I didn't want to specify so deeply that it became a story you look at from the outside and think, "yeah, I know people like that" I wanted it to be somethign you could stick yourself into.


Everyone else: Thanks, for comments. I've appreciated them all.

Should be getting back to everyone soonish.
#12
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.

Love this. The first three lines were stupendous. I really like how you changed the tone of the phrasing to complement the words you were using.

Buuut the people you chose to personify those qualities were a bit lacking, in my opinion. I'm neutral towards Goldie locks, but I straight-out just don't like Atilla the Hun. I mean, you could go anywhere with this, so it's all preference. It just didn't do anything for me.


She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.

First thee were great.. I didn't really like the middle couplet. And the "gluing rice to communion bread" just seemed sloppy.

Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

I did like this, though. Bringing new unity to a relatively obscure set of actions. Its effect would be amplified if the previous stanza were a bit stronger, though.

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.

I don't know how to explain my dislike of this stanza..


I really liked it.

I've noticed that when it comes to your poems, I love the form, build-ups, wording, and just about everything.. But when it comes to the actual details, like the whole "Goldilocks" thing, you lose me. I guess you can say I'm in love with your concepts. And that's all I'm really looking for.
#13
Hey, thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. Anyways, I liked the build up of this piece. I reallyt liked the message in the third stanza. However, the first stanza I jsut didn't like. I think you should've described the girls personality more. Like "she would be sweet if she wasn't so crazy" . Not like that exactly, but the same concept. Anyways, sorry for the lame crit, but I don't have much else to say.
#14
While I enjoyed your previous far more; this one was ok.
I'm not a fan of the abrupt line breaks in this. It knocks my perception of the structure around a little more than what I'm used to with your pieces.

Zach, this style that you write in(that you pull off so incredibly well ), I believe is justified in a sense in terms of if it's "good" or "bad" in response to, "how relatable the subject matter is to the viewer."(which is an argueably sensitive claim, but just hear me out! lol.) I think if you wrote about something like, "the metaphysical aspects of paranormalities through the eyes of midget hobos living in Transylvania," it wouldn't quite live up to the more down-to-earth, cynical opaqueness that revolves around the empty head of the Goldielocks that this poem characterizes so well for the viewer.
*moving on really fast* - I think that you know and understand quite well what I'm talking about as far as how well the down-to-earthness compliments your style of writing, and make a bold attempt to render it completely everytime your pencil touches paper. But there's a very fine line that can be crossed here that can make it seem like you're trying too hard. That's the vibe that this poem gave off, which ultimately led to me not liking it as much as I should have. Just food for thought man, sorry about the randomness of this rant. If you have any questions about this, feel free to PM me your thoughts.

As far as the poem goes; i did like it. Especially the isolation of the line: "someone has to do the unimportant dirty work." That was just perfect-place, perfect-timing.
Sorry it took me so long to get to this, been very busy lately, but I'll be making sure to get to these sooner from here on out man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c, more true than not


She's the type of girl who would
be gorgeous, if she weren't so damn
ugly.
Goldie locks on the outside,
Attila the Hun on the in.

nice opening, I've seen things similar, but I like it regardless.

She aborted Catholicism at age nine,
had to stop those pesky saints from
setting up shop.
Drank the holy water so she could
piss it out.
Glued rice to communion bread and
fed it to nearby birds.
I love the first line, excellent

ok, actually I love the whole stanza, good stuff.

Someone had to do the unimportant
dirty work.

I really didn't like the unimportant dirty work. I like what you went for, but I hated
how it was put.

Now she stands at a proverbial crossroad:
My life or my child's?
and she gazes to the heavens
for an inkling
of help.
nothing hugely impressive in this stanza, but not bad. it conveys well.


Well, this had some rough [atches, but overall I really did like it. you're quite the writer.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.