#1
A little rough, but you get the idea. This is for a sort of Black Sabbath meets Electric Wizard deal.

As the now shifting skies, fade from hue to hue
Quickens the view, of the suns dying motion
Filling now without emotion, skies go gray

Desolated skies
Hazily overhead
Fills me full of dread
As the sun gently cries

And now to the land we no longer stray
The sun has now gone away
No longer must we continue to prey
As the sky is without fray

Desolation skies
Now no longer times arise...
#2
As the now shifting skies, fade from hue to hue
Quickens the view, of the suns dying motion
Filling now without emotion, skies go gray

I like the mid-line rhyme scheme. I think I would prefer the ending to be "turn gray" rather than "go gray." Perhaps a happy adjective preceding "skies" in the last line would strengthen the stanza.

Desolated skies
Hazily overhead
Fills me full of dread
As the sun gently cries

Nothing much to say here. I like it

And now to the land we no longer stray
The sun has now gone away
No longer must we continue to prey
As the sky is without fray

I think you meant to say "pray" in the third line. The first line is awkward because of the "to." ==> "And now the land we no longer stray" would be right. You already used "no longer" in the first line so consider rephrasing the third line to avoid reusing it.

Desolation skies
Now no longer times arise...


Once again, consider rephrasing the last line to avoid redundancy.

Other than that, I thought it was good. I like the message.
Quote by denizenz
I'll logic you right in the thyroid.

Art & Lutherie
#3
you should make it longer.

i like it, i can see it's going somewhere, but it should be longer

and i agree with darkstar, repetition of no longer should be avoided.
#4
Thanks for that, I'll have to go fix it up.

This is one of the few **** I make and actually like.

Also I'm keeping it at the length it is. I'm going for how Electric Wizard does with some songs, they have long 10 minute songs and generally have short lyrics which generally have long pauses without singing. If that makes sense.
Last edited by DeathBySpoon at Jun 13, 2008,