#1
I’m chompin’ at the bit of a cigarette butt,
Praying to a God I hope doesn’t exist,
And placing my faith in ignorance,
Because that’s the only way she would have me,
“God please make her dumb,
Please, oh please, God, please!”
Tears billow down my face as I hide behind crooked rings of smoke.
I sure hope God has asthma,
Then He wouldn’t last ten seconds in here with me.

She told me to call her today,
If I wanted to do anything,
Those are words of gold to a man,
Who spent his life trying to make silver burn.
I can’t dial those numbers.
I care too much to waste her time.
Maybe if I took her to Amsterdam,
I could get her really trashed,
And I could get really wasted,
We could go play bums in hotel suite 407,
Moaning and Huffing.
Pushing and Pulling.
When we pass out and smash the plywood bed frame.
Then I would know she loved me.

My life should be a childrens book,
They would learn something useful,
Like “How to be a Drunk,”
Instead of “How to be a Whore.”
#2
I’m chompin’ at the bit of a cigarette butt,
i kinda liked the bit and the butt,
butt this might be a bit too mixed metaphor
Praying to a God I hope doesn’t exist,
great line.
And placing my faith in ignorance,
not quite as strong, but good.
and it extends the theme.

Because that’s the only way she would have me,
“God please make her dumb,
Please, oh please, God, please!”
Tears billow down my face as I hide behind crooked rings of smoke.
I sure hope God has asthma,
Then He wouldn’t last ten seconds in here with me.
cute, but it just barely measures up to some of the previous.
good enough not to mess with.


She told me to call her today,
If I wanted to do anything,
Those are words of gold to a man,
Who spent his life trying to make silver burn.
i didn't get the silver burn reference.
does that have something to do with cutting CDs?

I can’t dial those numbers.
I care too much to waste her time.
Maybe if I took her to Amsterdam,
I could get her really trashed,
And I could get really wasted,
there isn't enough difference perceived between trashed and wasted
to split this into 2 lines, imho. and waste appeared 3 lines up.

We could go play bums in hotel suite 407,
Moaning and Huffing.
Pushing and Pulling.
When we pass out and smash the plywood bed frame.
continuity problem here. don't you have to wreck the frame before you pass out?
Then I would know she loved me.

My life should be a childrens book,
They would learn something useful,
Like “How to be a Drunk,”
Instead of “How to be a Whore.”
i dunno, it seems like you need to insert just after of to make the content work,
although you didn't actually get any, even though you express the desire.

still, i enjoyed this a ton.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
Quote by bluesybilly
I’m chompin’ at the bit of a cigarette butt,
Praying to a God I hope doesn’t exist,
This lines been used by a great many people on this board. It's gotten dull to me. Any way to spice it up a little bit. Actually, is it needed? I think it would read fine without it. First line is great

And placing my faith in ignorance,
Because that’s the only way she would have me,
I liked this couplet a lot.

“God please make her dumb,
Please, oh please, God, please!”
Tears billow down my face as I hide behind crooked rings of smoke.
"as" is uneeded. just put a line break, comma, or end stop, I believe it will read better. The dialogue seems silly and inconsequential except for the irony (which was probably intentional) but I dunno, I still found it annoying to read. Any way to make it stick out less? (unless that would be going against your intentions that is)

I sure hope God has asthma,
Nice line.

Then He wouldn’t last ten seconds in here with me.
confusing syntax in this line. Overall, the stanza hit some bases for a solid pieces but when reading there were parts I got hung up on and holes in the image of who the character is and who he seeks approval from (the girl) and why he gives a damn.


She told me to call her today,
If I wanted to do anything,
Commas working really well here, nice two line set up.
Those are words of gold to a man,
Hated the syntax here.
Who spent his life trying to make silver burn.
After a fairly straightforward piece you slipped in a convaluted image that seems to be here because it sounds cool and is a good line, not because it explicitly fits with the piece (IMO). Stanza would read better without it.

I can’t dial those numbers.
I care too much to waste her time.
Um, what just happened to the conflicts in the piece, they seem to completely dissapear after this except for just you versus yourself. I mean maybe thats all it was ever about but I kindof wanted a non hypothetical conclusion on you and her or you and God.
Maybe if I took her to Amsterdam,
I could get her really trashed,
And I could get really wasted,
We could go play bums in hotel suite 407,
Moaning and Huffing.
Pushing and Pulling.
When we pass out and smash the plywood bed frame.
Then I would know she loved me.
Nice control of sound but I'm wondering how this really belongs in the same piece as the first section, its a different voice, different style, and just different. I'm all for transitions in pieces, and it's interesting here, but theres just no climax anywhere to be found, and I was expecting one and now I'm dissapointed so now I dont really care about what else you have to say in this piece (as a hypothetical reader who is really pissy.)

My life should be a childrens book,
They would learn something useful,
Like “How to be a Drunk,”
Instead of “How to be a Whore.”
Really didnt like this ending, brought very little together for me and really left me wanting much more after that great setup. This piece didnt seem like a poem or a proem or a song, it felt like a stream of conciousness journal entry in rhythm, rhyme, and line breaks. And when it seems like that its hard for anyone to take a real solid idea from it. It just kinda seems anticlimactic and selfish.



:Cheers:
Sorry its taken me so long to actually critique one of your pieces. Hopefully it helps a little.

If you please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=883771