#1
Crit4Crit of course


You left me standing here,
Wondering why,
If you couldn’t stand the pain,
Or all you had to do was try,
You took all of my ****,
But you didn’t take my pride,
And I’m gonna stand my ground,
I’m not leaving here tonight.

All I want is you and me together,
Leave my life and hold you here forever,
Through all the hurricanes and the bad weather,
I hope that we can always stay together.

I hope you find out who,
I think I really am,
And here’s your evidence,
The shame to end the sham,
I have to go away,
But I’ll see you again,
And you can rest assured,
Of all the **** you’re in.

All I want is you and me together,
Leave my life and hold you here forever,
Through all the hurricanes and the bad weather,
I hope that we can always stay together.

Here forever,
Here forever,
Here forever,
Here forever,
Here forever,
Here forever,
Here forever,
Here…..

All I want is you and me together,
Leave my life and hold you here forever,
Through all the hurricanes and the bad weather,
I hope that we can always stay together.
I'm here to help

Quote by Jimbleton
ok, as usual pit is being very unhelpful except andychalmers, so im gonna go post this someplace else


And a master of storytelling...

Quote by Jackolas
andychalmers102, that story is awesome.
#2
Morning.

So, here's the deal, I'm not going to bother to line by line this... instead, I'm going to just give you a big comment, because I feel it will be more helpful than the line by line thing. WARNING: This may get fairly harsh, I don't mean it to be negative so much as constructive. Just remember that.


I'll get the harshness done right away: this wasn't very good. It wasn't bad... but it wasn't good either. Let's dig deeper.

First, lets look at the idea for the piece. It's bland. It's the same song I've heard 100000 times from basically every band ever. This isn't ALWAYS a bad thing... but here, it just makes everything feel stale and un-original as I'm going through it. Nothing in this popped out at me, the ideas all felt like they'd been done before, because they had. I'm sure it works great with music... but standing on its own, its like reading a sappy love poem... everyone of them sounds the same and uses the same language ("baby" "beautiful" "love") etc... It's hard to write a memorable piece, when the content its portraying is so cliche.

Next, lets take a look at technique.

Quote by andychalmers
I have to go away,

Here forever,
Here forever,

But I’ll see you again,


These lines are pure awful. They don't express anything, they aren't painting images, they aren't giving the reader anything to latch onto. They are simply filler. And your piece here is just riddled with them. Next time, try to cut out all the filler. Leave me with lines that make an impact, leave me with lines that are going to jump kick me in the face and tell me "THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO KNOW." Right now, this piece (due to poor presentation) drags a singular simple point across 2 verses and a chorus. You could have said it in one line. Instead, take this idea and take a look at it from some different point of view. For instance, instead of writing a piece about boxing from a fighters view (the standard view), write about it from the view of the practice fighter who always gets beaten up by the champion. Hope that makes sense.

However, it isn't all negative here. You do show potential. You kept a fairly steady rhythm throughout, used rhyme to your advantage (however, watch this, I find using rhymes often detracts from a piece because if the rhymes used are obvious (pop and cop) then the piece comes off as immature). You also showed the ability to make a point in the piece... now you just need to refine and condense your ideas... so they have more kick per line.

My final advice: write, write, write. I can tell that this is a piece by someone who isn't really comfortable with writing yet.... simply by the content and the attack on it. Practice Practice Practice... and listen to those who have more experience than you. I was in your shoes less than a year ago. You can learn A LOT in this community if you are willing to listen and work.

Any questions about what I said, and you can PM me.

-zC