#1
Why didn’t you listen when you knew I was right?
Can’t believe it took you this long to figure out.
Well, when you've finally worked through the solutions,
Don’t come crying to me when I’m ready for falling out.

Don't try to cry on my shoulder you'll get pushed to the floor,
Because you’ve taken too much, you're down on your luck,
Get back before you force me to throw you away,
Cos you’ve taken too much, I won't let you get up.

Shouldn’t believe any of the words that you say,
You always got your way, well, the tables have turned
The chairs are all broken, should hope your lesson's learnt,
Here is the moment, when I get my way.

Don't try to cry on my shoulder you'll get pushed to the floor,
Because you’ve taken too much, you're down on your luck,
Get back before you force me to throw you away,
Cos you’ve taken too much, I won't let you get up.

I told you, I warned you,
You never listened when you knew I was right.

I told you, I warned you,
You never listened when you knew I was right.

Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.

Don’t come crying to me, I knew I was right.
Crying to me, You knew I was right.

Don't try to cry on my shoulder you'll get pushed to the floor,
Because you’ve taken too much, you're down on your luck,
Get back before you force me to throw you away,
Cos you’ve taken too much, I won't let you get up.
Yeah your not getting up,
Your not getting up,
Your not getting up, no, you'll never get up.
---------------------

** In a Theory of a Deadman style **
Last edited by Lum at Jun 16, 2008,
#2
Repetition will work well with music I can tell but still there are some immature things in there. the whole angry lover theme is working out well in most of the parts but its all the same ideas just worded differently .

On +ve things:

You are not stuck on rhyme scheme thats a good thing.

Flow was nice

Just think of better images . Make it personal to sell it personally . IDk if it made any sense at all .

Anyway thanx for your feedback . Keep posting
Hi
#3
Quote by Lum
Why didn’t you listen when you knew I had it right?
Can’t believe it took you this long to figure it all out.
And when you’ve finally worked through all the solutions,
Don’t come crying to me when I’m ready for a fall out.
I think it might flow/sound better if you change it from "figure it all out" to "figure it out."

Your eyes cry for sorrow, well I can’t be myself,
I don't really get the "your eyes cry for sorrow." It just screams to me that it should be "Your eyes cry from sorrow" if it's gonna stay there. The rest of the line confused me... I just don't get it.
When you’ve taken too much, you’ve taken too much,
Get back before you force me to force you away,
I didn't like the repetition. I think it might be better as "force me to push you away".
Cos you’ve taken too much, wasted your luck.

Shouldn’t believe the **** that you say,
I don't like the profanity. It ruins the overall feel that I'm getting so far.. But, with the certain tone throughout the song this could fit. But with how I'm feeling it, I thnk it's much better as "Shouldn't believe what you say".
Now that I remember you always got your way,
Well the tables have turned and the chairs are all broke,
These two lines messed up the flow for me.. Starting off with Now doesn't work for me.. Something like "You always got your way, well, the tables have turned and the chairs are broken," would be better.
It’s my turn to figure it out; I’m ready for a fall out.
Once again, I don't like the repetition.. Also, "It's my turn to figure it out"... Figure what out? With the preceding two lines, you could go with something such as "It's time to get what I want. . ." and have it make much more sense. And beyond the repetition of "out" in this line, I'm not a fan of the term "a fall out." It makes me think of a war.. If you want to keep that, consider " a falling out" or something.

Your eyes cry for sorrow, well I can’t be myself,
When you’ve taken too much, you’ve taken too much,
Get back before you force me to force you away,
Cos you’ve taken too much, wasted your luck.

I told you, I warned you,
You never listened when you knew I had it right.
I told you, I warned you,
You never listened when you knew I had it right.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Took you long enough to figure it out.
Don’t come crying to me, I knew I had it right,
And I’m ready for a fall out.
I can definitely feel the intensity built in this part. Two things though.. Maybe instead of saying "I had it right" say "I was right" but, I don't know 100% what you're talking about, so maybe "had it right" is more appropriate. Also, you could progress the song by saying "I'm ready to fall out" or "I'm falling out" at the end of this stanza.

Get back before you force me to force you away,
When you’ve taken too much, you’ve taken too much,
Your eyes cry for sorrow, well I can’t be myself,
When you’ve taken too much, you’ve taken too much,
And I’m ready for a fall out.


A little cliche.. But you put it to use. Just a little tweaking and it'd be ready for production.
#4
A good song if your going for the My Chemical Romance sound... But otherwise I think everyone (including preteen girls) is done with the mopey, sad, get out of my life love story.
#5
When you’ve taken too much, you’ve taken too much,

Thats the only thing I didn't like, every thing else was good.
If I had to rate it, I would give 7\10.
#6
Right thank you, for the help everyone, I am editing it now, so please could you comment the changes aswell....

The thing is, I always make up my lyrics from situations I have never ever been in...
But this song actually came from something that I have been through. So I was trying to put attitude in to it aswell.
#9
I could feel the attitude in it. I loved the part "im ready for a fall out". It has kind of an "I dont give a f*ck" attitude. But the lines seemed kind of long for me. Maybe you could just shorten them up a bit? I also liked the repetition in it. It really helped enforce the attitude.
Keep up the good work and c4c.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1168793