#1
its another poem...
i dont like it much, so if you have any suggestions they'd be welcome
C4C

Please think, for once
For someone other than yourself
Have you ever tried to imagine
How miserable they felt?

Could you try and look beyond
Your first unknowing glance
Instead of getting angry
Try giving them a chance

You have no idea
Do you think that they don't know?
The happiest time for you
Is when they'll pack up and go

So you see they can't help this
It's part of who they are
No matter how you try to hide
They will follow from afar

Instead of just assuming
There is nothing left to see
Please, think for once
About how it feels like to be me
#2
You dont like it much? I thinks its great, also remember that other people tend to like your lyrics more than you do.
#3
Quote by wind_on_fire
i dont like it much, ...
I can see why.
there's a lot of turn off in this, just because the point of view.
you're calling for others to do self-evaluation.
that works to some degree in discussion or orations.
but in poetry, it's much harder to keep the reader interested.
if you can change the subject from others to yourself,
it might make things easier by making it sound less "preachy".


Rather than a full crit, I'll focus on the first two lines,
and explain why the got my read off to a poor start.

Please think, for once
For someone other than yourself

This is a mixture of some rather common ideas,
but you get the worst out of them rather than the best.
lets extract a chunk out of this:
,for once
someone other than


That leaves you with a familiar phrase:
Please think for yourself.

the meaning is rather obvious.

by injecting someone other than,
where and how you did,
the implication is: you want this person to do the thinking for someone else.
of course we know this is not your intended meaning,
but the implication still troubles this.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by wind_on_fire
its another poem...
i dont like it much, so if you have any suggestions they'd be welcome
C4C

Please think, for once
For someone other than yourself
Have you ever tried to imagine
How miserable they felt?

Sadening opening. I enjoy reading that. Some people find an opening that already guts your heart and leaves it out for the cats is not essential or it derives the wrong kind of feel that the writer had originaly planned. But seeing as I don't know what you originally planned, I am clear to think of it in any way I like. The freedom is then there to conjure anything you want from it.

Could you try and look beyond
Your first unknowing glance
Instead of getting angry
Try giving them a chance

Don't like the rythme here at all. The "unknowing glance" was nice but didn't really see how it fitted. Maybe I'm being a bit ignorant to it. P.M. me with the answer or post it if you don't mind?


You have no idea
Do you think that they don't know?
The happiest time for you
Is when they'll pack up and go

Again, there is a certain strong level of emotion here, but its a bit simple in its wordings and phrases, but not its meaning, which is a little hard for me to become accustomed to. But thats a personal issue.

So you see they can't help this
It's part of who they are
No matter how you try to hide
They will follow from afar

Don't understand this personally. I feel a bit like a fool here (no change then for me)

Instead of just assuming
There is nothing left to see
Please, think for once
About how it feels like to be me

Nice way to end it for sure. But once again, its wordings and phrases could of been a little more enthusing and literary.



So in all, I think you need to explain this to me. I can see so many personal images, relevant to myself, but I don't know whether thats what you had originally wanted to portray. Is there a relation to family break ups here?
This is my quibble: Its very similar to my style, vague and thoughtful. But...I don't know what to think. There is a mental block here I fear.
I feel like your trying to force your opinion on the reader, but its theme is so difficult to gauge and excavate, I don't know whether you are actually trying to force what you think on somebody. Its going through an identity crises for me.
So its flawed brilliance; It begins as a open feel poem, and then turns into a feeling of uncertainty as to whether you are allowing any other emotions and ideas in there. From the reader I mean. Do you understand what I mean?
#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
I can see why.
there's a lot of turn off in this, just because the point of view.
you're calling for others to do self-evaluation.
that works to some degree in discussion or orations.
but in poetry, it's much harder to keep the reader interested.
if you can change the subject from others to yourself,
it might make things easier by making it sound less "preachy".


thx for the comment..
i was looking for advice...coz iv been trying to make it sound better for days, but had ran out of ideas...

but yea...the change in the first line works well