#1
One of my first free verse pieces.

Disjoint Act I



They don't applaud your performance,
They applaud because that's what
all the others do, and because
they hope that the waves of sound
might make the curtains fall.

You see, all the doors here
lead back to the stage; but
you'll never hear an encore, because
you'll be finished
much before the play.

I think you should stop drinking
from those cans of conservatism.
You do the acts, not the scripts,
and if you don't like the lines
then why open your mouth?

I'm attired colorful enough, but
to your color blind eyes
I'm just shades of gray.
Stop blaming me for forgetting lines;
I've only changed them.

#2
Your line breaks are my main gripe here; it seems to prose-like. Though as yoo said, this is free verse so I suppose there's leeway, but a lot seemed to prosey to be poetry.

I had no qualms with the actual content, really. Just the structure bugged me a little.
#5
Quote by _A_
One of my first free verse pieces.

Disjoint Act I



They don't applaud your performance,
They applaud because that's what
all the others do, and because
they hope that the waves of sound
might make the curtains fall.

Opening lines started out well with such an angry tone but by the end of the verse it got little weaker. Repetition of words like "they" "applaud" is not a big deal for me but you can always use some sort of a synonym > Just tweak the lime here and there .make them flow little better . In short just clean them up and use some punctuation

like instead of "all the others" maybe "everyone" ?



You see, all the doors here
lead back to the stage; but
you'll never hear an encore, because
you'll be finished
much before the play.


No problem here , Flowed little better

I think you should stop drinking
from those cans of conservatism.
You do the acts, not the scripts,
and if you don't like the lines
then why open your mouth?

This was the best stanza so far . i really liked it

I'm attired colorful enough, but-------->take out comma
to your color blind eyes
I'm just shades of gray.-------------------------->little weak but does its job
Stop blaming me for forgetting lines;
I've only changed them. -------------------> Good ending sums up situation very well.




Overall the content is fine but narration and story telling is very good . Idea was not that original srry but narration helped it to srtand alone well. just clean your structure. . I"m wasted now . Thanks for the critique
Hi
#6
I had no qualms with the actual content, really. Just the structure bugged me a little.


Thanks for replying. I'll fix up the structure.

Any suggestions for it and the placement of punctuation?

Overall the content is fine but narration and story telling is very good . Idea was not that original srry but narration helped it to srtand alone well. just clean your structure. . I"m wasted now . Thanks for the critique


I'll critique anytime, just drop me a hint.

And thanks for replying. I'll try cleaning the structure.

Check out the second part if you can.