#1
I wrote this late last night/this morning. Just now thought about putting it here. lol I wrote it after/because of a certain girl telling me some stuff that made me not-so-happy.

I'm not sure there's a certain way to read it.. It's pretty free-verse, so don't go in with a certain mindset.. Just read it. =) Also, if there's any rhyme it's accidental.

Edit: Definitions of the words to come...
Overt: Open and observable; not hidden, concealed, or secret
Perfidy: deliberate breach of faith or trust; faithlessness; treachery
Manifest: Adj. 1. readily perceived by the eye or the understanding; evident; obvious; apparent; plain 2. of or pertaining to conscious feelings, ideas, and impulses that contain repressed psychic material Verb 3. to make clear or evident to the eye or the understanding; show plainly 4. to prove; put beyond doubt or question
Schism: N. division or disunion
Magnificence: Grand or imposing beauty; the quality of being magnificent or splendid or grand; the quality or state of being magnificent; splendor; grandeur; sublimity
Juxtapose: V. to place close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
Paradox: N. a self-contradictory and false proposition. 2. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.
Benevolence: N. desire to do good to others; goodwill; charitableness
Paramour: N. A lover, especially one in an adulterous relationship.
I think that's it... Sorry for not doing it earlier and for having so many. lol


These dreams of mine can't hold us up anymore,
because those wings of yours have holes,
and that halo is tilted,

Your overt perfidy manifest in our pristine adoration,
now procures a schism in our souls,
And now my hands can't clasp yours,
Your eyes betray you,

Fallen from the heights of magnificence,
your body lays broken and strewn,
Promises are revoked by my lips,
and I tell you that my love can't catch you,

My stoney heart rejected your flesh,
our ties broken,

Three Spirits juxtapose to reveal all,
Three Words coalesce into a paradox,
Hand in hand we walk through it all,
Hands shattered like glass by a feather,

Thus my angel you are no more,
Take leave of my presence,
Slit the wrist of your heart,
drink in the truthful blood,
in your own womb of false benevolence,

Fold your wings about you,
Straighten your halo,
and walk,
Walk to your next poetic-paramour,
and make love to his false perfection,
Moan out dreams to support you,
Return to the top of your magnificent pleasure,
Fly on the winds of love,
and fall,
through the despairing trapping of your self-destruction.
Last edited by Garb at Jun 13, 2008,
#2
What did she say!

EDIT: Its pretty good i'd say. Some words that i really dont know the definitions of... but its good. It makes me want to write some music around it
I'm Tyler
Last edited by Octtwe88 at Jun 13, 2008,
#4
Nice Song. I was about to murder you for stealing tool lyrics, but I was wrong (it was the word juxtapose). Would you care to tell me how the title relates.
I decided I want to be more like the people on ug...


Searchbar!!!

That oughta do it.

Time for a supercool guitar demonstration by herman li,

Herman Li- why is this guitar so big?

Stage guy- because its a bass herman

#5
Quote by Octtwe88
What did she say!

EDIT: Its pretty good i'd say. Some words that i really dont know the definitions of... but its good. It makes me want to write some music around it

She's just basically changed 90% from the girl I fell in love with... It's a very, very long story. lol

And, thanks. I wasn't thinking about music when I wrote it.. But If I did put some in, it'd be very very ambient.. Something like a mix of Collapse The Light Into Earth by Porcupine Tree and I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab For Cutie. Except toned down a lot. lol
Quote by everlong12
i dont understand half of it, but it sounds good!

Thanks. I do agree, the words aren't common, but if you know what they mean it works. lol
Quote by umbrellacorp
Nice Song. I was about to murder you for stealing tool lyrics, but I was wrong (it was the word juxtapose). Would you care to tell me how the title relates.

Lol. Nah. I try not to plagiarize. I'm just in love with the word juxtapose (I titled my research paper Slaughterhouse Five: A Juxtapositional Paradox lol).

The title relates because the girl lives in Canada, and I live in Tennessee, so whenever I talk about her to friends I say "This girl in Canada. . ." so I just started calling her Canada.


And for simplicity's sake, definitions of the words that I think are going to trip people up will be edited into the original post. =)
#6
First off, get rid of the dictionary, its not very becoming
of a poem to describe all the words used. If people can't understand
it than they can use google


These dreams of mine can't hold us up anymore,
because those wings of yours have holes,
and that halo is tilted,

Tilted seems too weak of a word in context here. I'd mess around
with some stronger adjectives such as askew, or lop-eyed (I just made that
word up, I wouldn't use it but hopefully you see what I mean).


Your overt perfidy manifest in our pristine adoration, *perfidies(?)
now procures a schism in our souls,
And now my hands can't clasp yours,
Would be better without the "and now". You already
used now in the previous line and and isn't really needed.

Your eyes betray you,

Fallen from the heights of magnificence,
your body lays broken and strewn,
Promises are revoked by my lips,
and I tell you that my love can't catch you,

This is my favorite stanza.
'as' might sound better in place of 'and' here though.

My stoney heart rejected your flesh, *stony
our ties broken,

You suddenly switch to past tense here. Intentional?

Three Spirits juxtapose to reveal all,
Not a big fan of the word juxtapose, just
doesn't seem to flow well however you say it.

Three Words coalesce into a paradox,
Hand in hand we walk through it all,
Hands shattered like glass by a feather,

Hmm... "like glass by a feather", it's an original simile,
the only problem is it doesn't create any image in my mind.

Thus my angel you are no more,
Take leave of my presence,
Slit the wrist of your heart,
drink in the truthful blood,
in your own womb of false benevolence,

Fold your wings about you,
Straighten your halo,
and walk,
I like the circle you created here from the beginning to the end,
it works well as a wrap-up.

Walk to your next poetic-paramour,
and make love to his false perfection,
Moan out dreams to support you,
Return to the top of your magnificent pleasure,
Fly on the winds of love,
A little to cliched for me.
and fall,
through the despairing trapping of your self-destruction.


You've got a really good piece here, I really dig the inventiveness. There are a few cliches in here that, if omitted, could really bring out the full potential of this poem.

I gotta head out to work now but I'll crit your other one when I get back.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Quote by Garb
I wrote this late last night/this morning. Just now thought about putting it here. lol I wrote it after/because of a certain girl telling me some stuff that made me not-so-happy.

I'm not sure there's a certain way to read it.. It's pretty free-verse, so don't go in with a certain mindset.. Just read it. =) Also, if there's any rhyme it's accidental.

Edit: Definitions of the words to come...
Overt: Open and observable; not hidden, concealed, or secret
Perfidy: deliberate breach of faith or trust; faithlessness; treachery
Manifest: Adj. 1. readily perceived by the eye or the understanding; evident; obvious; apparent; plain 2. of or pertaining to conscious feelings, ideas, and impulses that contain repressed psychic material Verb 3. to make clear or evident to the eye or the understanding; show plainly 4. to prove; put beyond doubt or question
Schism: N. division or disunion
Magnificence: Grand or imposing beauty; the quality of being magnificent or splendid or grand; the quality or state of being magnificent; splendor; grandeur; sublimity
Juxtapose: V. to place close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
Paradox: N. a self-contradictory and false proposition. 2. any person, thing, or situation exhibiting an apparently contradictory nature.
Benevolence: N. desire to do good to others; goodwill; charitableness
Paramour: N. A lover, especially one in an adulterous relationship.
I think that's it... Sorry for not doing it earlier and for having so many. lol

Don't need the dictionary; I found myself looking up to it every time I noticed a word that I had to think about for more than a few moments. It removes the fun of discovering meanings for yourself.

These dreams of mine can't hold us up anymore,
because those wings of yours have holes,
and that halo is tilted,

Nice contrast with the words "hold" and "anymore" - hold has a very positive and caring vibe, while anymore has a varied disapointment attached to it. I don't like the term "have" in the second line, it just feels like it ruins the feel. If it isn't that, there is something in here that doens't taste authentic.


Your overt perfidy manifest in our pristine adoration,
now procures a schism in our souls,
And now my hands can't clasp yours,
Your eyes betray you,

The first line feels like a song in itself, or someone giving a speech! Tool relation, Hehe! The third line breaks the flow with opening word "And" and "now". I don't know what could replace it though.

Fallen from the heights of magnificence,
your body lays broken and strewn,
Promises are revoked by my lips,
and I tell you that my love can't catch you,

Great opening to this verse. Dramatic as usual from you.
Not much else to point out here.

My stoney heart rejected your flesh,
our ties broken,

Hemm don't know about this.

Three Spirits juxtapose to reveal all,
Three Words coalesce into a paradox,
Hand in hand we walk through it all,
Hands shattered like glass by a feather,

Last line is beautiful!

Thus my angel you are no more,
Take leave of my presence,
Slit the wrist of your heart,
drink in the truthful blood,
in your own womb of false benevolence,

Ok...I'm starting to become a little exhausted.


Fold your wings about you,
Straighten your halo,
and walk,
Walk to your next poetic-paramour,
and make love to his false perfection,
Moan out dreams to support you,
Return to the top of your magnificent pleasure,
Fly on the winds of love,
and fall,
through the despairing trapping of your self-destruction.

Wonderful flow of imagery here; everything seems to interlink with the next and it just begs for you to read it again.


Ok, most people I imagine will not say the same as this but here goes anyway. There is too much in this.
There is no doubt in my mind that I really enjoyed reading this; its intriguing and poetic without being pretentious. Its interesting withing being overly detailed with different themes and shows inspiration and development.
But...you repeat those themes, you repeat them and repeat them! Just with different vocabulary. Maybe I'm the only one who noticed this and I'm talking out of my ass, but thats the way I felt.

Great work mate but not as good as your other one I read and criticised.

Digitally Clean.