#1
Alone

(Verse 1)
Waking quietly in my bedroom
Open my eyes to an empty room
So alone, will he come along

By myself through the afternoon
Sitting outside still cold in June
He’s not here to keep me warm

(Chorus)
Will I find you
Will you find me
Tired of being alone
Far from your own

(Verse 2)
Drown myself this darkness
The touch becomes less and less
All for you to keep me true

Night falls soon I’ll take my guess
Not tonight as I’m gone to rest
I start all over tomorrow

(Chorus)
Will I find you
Will you find me
Tired of being alone
Far from your own

Will I find you
Will you find me
Tired of being alone
The future’s still unknown


Its my first song i've wrote. any suggestions? I was thinking of adding one more stanza or whatever you call it to each verse.
#2
Well, I won't be harsh seeing as that you're a starting writer. but, I will give you a piece of advice I was given that you need a lot and that I consider important: Stay away from cliches.


A cliche is a phrase or image used everywhere by everyone up to the point that the reader has seen it all before. It makes a read boring and repetitive and very unoriginal. Their phrases like: my love burns like the fire of a thousand suns, anything relating the dark with pits or lonely feelings.


Also, you have a problem with rhyming most newbies commit, which is to make it too blunt and obvious. Many times it's better to rhyme the first and the last line of the verse than to rhyme the first with the second and the third with the fourth which can make it very nursery "rhymeish"


Anyway, good luck with your next piece, make sure you never get discouraged by what pricks like me might have to say.
#3
(Verse 1)
Waking quietly in my bedroom
Open my eyes to an empty room
I do not like useing bedroom then room try finding a different word to rhyme with bed room or a word that will rhyme with room
So alone, will he come along

By myself through the afternoon
Sitting outside still cold in June
He’s not here to keep me warm

(Chorus)
Will I find you
Will you find me
The two line above I would ditch them they are repeative
Tired of being alone
Far from your own
You need imagary and a more powerful chorus

(Verse 2)
Drown myself this darkness
The touch becomes less and less
Switch the above two lines.
All for you to keep me true
the above lines make no sense. there just random thoughts on the same subject

Night falls soon I’ll take my guess
Not tonight as I’m gone to rest
I start all over tomorrow
Really good work here!

(Chorus)
Will I find you
Will you find me
Tired of being alone
Far from your own
Agian revise the chorus

Will I find you
Will you find me
Tired of being alone
The future’s still unknown
A really hopeless ending. I would make it some what happy. like you moveing on. or he shows up. or something but you dont have too

all in all you have a good concept but you need to on it alot work