#1
Crit 4 crit, just leave me a link. Thanks.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Real Monsters.


Written finals for the burger palace.
Yeah...what about 'em?
Bullshit, that's what.
We paused and waited for our
dicks to get hard.
Parks with sharks, that's what
we need, something to get
our minds off of finger fucking.
I swear man, I swear.

My friend, who has a friend has a friend,
who is into fat porn, but is himself
disgusted at getting fat. Isn't that funny?
I think that it's awesome. -- I'll shave the
skin off my face if it means
saving the human race....
(Uncrosses fingers)
Here's the truth, I cheated on my
g-g-g-girlfriend, that's the stutter
from my lips that often quivers
from women who have wit and quips,
but it shakes at the thought of
my infidelity.

Running away yet? Never will
and never won't not. I've got
fish to catch my open mouth,
it's tiny but I can fit a bluegill or two,
or three
or four, depends on the breast size...
and nothing more! Zing.
High rise, she wants to move to one
when she graduates, I'll never tell her.
She even said, she said to me, she said;
"If you ever cheat don't tell me, I'd rather
be happy and ignorant, than know of
such awful things."

So buh-buh-buh be it. I can't figure out
if it's being dishonest or not. I mean...
we're hand in hand regardless.
we're together regardless.
She even said she didn't want to know.
I make excuses, but she already knows.
I mean...we all do. Don't we?
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jun 14, 2008,
#2
you had me in bittersweet stiches by the end of this. I ****ing loved it. It was so perfectly informal yet controlled (as in I believed that the author knew what he was doing which is something that is missing in almost everything here). I hated the elipses though, hated them, I think it would read/flow better without them, though that may be just in my head and no one elses. The title worked flawlessly if you intended it how I perceived it. Brutally honest, playful, funny, and quirky. You probably will never get published for this, but I would read it at this point in my life over 80% of the stuff that does.

Oh, and I owe you a lot for that crit you left on Rushmore's (forget his actual name) last piece. Helped loads.

In conclusion. You're still the king.
#3
Changed the ellipsis, thanks babe. I appreciate someone still reading my stuff.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
Quote by Something_Vague
Crit 4 crit, just leave me a link. Thanks.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Real Monsters.


Written finals for the burger palace.
Yeah...what about 'em?
Bullshit, that's what.
We paused and waited for our
dicks to get hard.
Parks with sharks, that's what
we need, something to get
our minds off of finger fucking.
I swear man, I swear.

Only thing I'm really fond of here is the last line because it sets the tone. The rest is a little too zany for me.


My friend, who has a friend has a friend,
who is into fat porn, but is himself
disgusted at getting fat. Isn't that funny?
I think that it's awesome. -- I'll shave the
skin off my face if it means
saving the human race....
(Uncrosses fingers)
Here's the truth, I cheated on my
g-g-g-girlfriend, that's the stutter
from my lips that often quivers
from women who have wit and quips,
but it shakes at the thought of
my infidelity.

Loved the stutter here, now I'm hooked.

Running away yet? Never will
and never won't not. I've got
Proper English aside, funny.
fish to catch my open mouth,
it's tiny but I can fit a bluegill or two,
or three
or four, depends on the breast size...
and nothing more! Zing.
High rise, she wants to move to one
when she graduates, I'll never tell her.
She even said, she said to me, she said;
"If you ever cheat don't tell me, I'd rather
be happy and ignorant, than know of
such awful things."

So buh-buh-buh be it. I can't figure out
I see what you're trying to do here, but I'm not too crazy about this stutter, just detracts me from the piece.
if it's being dishonest or not. I mean...
we're hand in hand regardless.
we're together regardless.
She even said she didn't want to know.
I make excuses, but she already knows.
I mean...we all do. Don't we?



Very witty/funny piece of writing here. It seems to stray at points, but given the rest of the story it seems to work for it rather than against it. Some parts (like the intro) are just a bit too out of control for my liking, but overall good job.

Mind taking a look at Best Wishes in the sig?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
I still read your stuff, if it means anything. I'll probably be back later.
#6
This is probably the best thing I've read from you all year.
Everything that is Classic Matt flows out of this.
The humor.
The pervasive dialogue.
The brilliant wit disguised as 7 year old potty talk.
I loved it.
Poor advice.
#7
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Real Monsters.


I was really confused with the title, but it made sense by the end so thats good.

Written finals for the burger palace. <-- this confuses me...
Yeah...what about 'em? <--- however this line does great to set a sarcastis tone
Bullshit, that's what. <--- and this line made me laugh
We paused and waited for our
dicks to get hard. <---- Pfft cant believe anyone has written this but hey! It's great!
Parks with sharks, that's what
we need, something to get
our minds off of finger fucking.
I swear man, I swear.

This is a great opening and urged me to read on, I am now reading this very loosely as you have set it to be sarcastic and entertaining.


My friend, who has a friend has a friend,
who is into fat porn, but is himself
disgusted at getting fat. Isn't that funny?
I think that it's awesome. -- I'll shave the
skin off my face if it means
saving the human race....
(Uncrosses fingers)
Here's the truth, I cheated on my
g-g-g-girlfriend, that's the stutter
from my lips that often quivers
from women who have wit and quips,
but it shakes at the thought of
my infidelity.

I'm not sure how the shaving skin part fits in with the fat part, but the whole freind who has a freind was good and the fat porn part is funny.
Loving the stutter part very amusing.


Running away yet? Never will
and never won't not. I've got
fish to catch my open mouth,
it's tiny but I can fit a bluegill or two,
or three
or four, depends on the breast size...
and nothing more! Zing.
High rise, she wants to move to one
when she graduates, I'll never tell her.
She even said, she said to me, she said; <---I am unsure of the repetition here.
"If you ever cheat don't tell me, I'd rather
be happy and ignorant, than know of
such awful things."

But I like the point to this verse and it opens up to the fact that you have cheated on her, which then makes the other verses seem like pointless waffle and rambling, which is really entertaining. Also, I Like the 'Zing' line.

So buh-buh-buh be it. I can't figure out
if it's being dishonest or not. I mean...
we're hand in hand regardless.
we're together regardless.
She even said she didn't want to know.
I make excuses, but she already knows.
I mean...we all do. Don't we?


I didnt like the repetion of 'I mean...'
I thought it would be better finished of with 'Well...' or 'Oh Well...' as that might give it a good 'Oh who gives a f...k' ending which would be funny.

I really like this piece, it was really enjoyable to read, will be sure to read the next ones you put up in future, I was just nitpicking anything I could find, so hope it helps.

I give this 9/10


Could you crit my latest song 'Broken'?

Broken
Last edited by Lum at Jun 14, 2008,
#8
Hey man, thanks so much.

Thanks everyone else, I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'll get to yours all tomorrow. I've fallen off the face of the earth and I only exist in a place of weak nostalgia. No one has seen me in 3 months.

Ask Randy.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic