#1
I posted in S&L tech and they told me to post here....

just here for basic critiquing

plz nothing too negative without some sort of solution

kthnx


I love you babe like nobody could know
but i made a mistake
left you for some hoe
now i need you back
but you dont want me
you found a new guy
better than i could ever be

<#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#>

chorus:
you just dont wanna be with me
but i cant live without you
and this life was meant for you and me
so why cant i be with you?
why cant i be with you?

<#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#>

i miss you babe like a desert misses water
but a made a mistake
now im dying on the inside
though my outside shows
smiles and kisses

(chorus)

i need you babe like i need air
you're the reason i live and the reason i breathe

[(chorus) slowly?]

WHY CANT I BE WITH YOU?
#2
I love you babe like nobody could know
but i made a mistake
left you for some hoe
now i need you back
but you dont want me
you found a new guy
better than i could ever be

^not that good. im sorry but its hard to offer a "solution" other than telling you to write the whole thing over. hmm... try using better vocabulary, and throw in a couple detailed lines, like that are personal meaning. it doesnt matter if the audience doesnt konw exactly what happened, it adds color.


chorus:
you just dont wanna be with me
but i cant live without you
and this life was meant for you and me
so why cant i be with you?
why cant i be with you?

^ cliched from start to finish.


i miss you babe like a desert misses water
but a made a mistake
now im dying on the inside
though my outside shows
smiles and kisses

^deserts dont miss water they survive without it lol. but seriously its good that youre at least tring to add some deepness here. not good but a small step up from verse one. the last line though makes no sense. change that immediately. actually dont worry about it cuz this is a throwaway song anyway.


i need you babe like i need air
you're the reason i live and the reason i breathe


heard it a million times before

^referring to this song perhaps??


WHY CANT I BE WITH YOU?

^... no comment


Overall... id say 0/5 stars. its a song weve all heard a million different versions of. however, the reason for that is it works. though this song is totally unimaginative and unorigional, keep writing until you develop your unique writing voice and learn to add color and metaphors, and remember, add tings that are personal meaning, like events that makes the audience come up with a picture in their head. sry if i sounded harsh at points i know u havent been writing very long, and this seems like it may be your first, if not of of your first songs. keep practicing man.
Last edited by Soadfan8 at Jun 14, 2008,
#3
I like the topic but it's SOOOOO cliche. The metaphors aren't original, anyway, it's good. I'll recommend you to change th chorus, put in it more variety, a little more creative in metaphors and it'll be better.
#4
Quote by wingederaser94
I posted in S&L tech and they told me to post here....

just here for basic critiquing

plz nothing too negative without some sort of solution

kthnx


I love you babe like nobody could know
but i made a mistake
left you for some hoe
now i need you back
but you dont want me
you found a new guy
better than i could ever be

hoe = a garden implement consisting of a long pole with a small flat metal blade set into one end at a right angle to the pole. Use: weeding, turning over soil.
<#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#>

chorus:
you just dont wanna be with me
but i cant live without you
and this life was meant for you and me
so why cant i be with you?
why cant i be with you?
Hmmm, *insert witty comment here*

<#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#> <#>

i miss you babe like a desert misses water
but a made a mistake
now im dying on the inside
though my outside shows
smiles and kisses
Deserts do have water, underneath them (and in cactuses if I remember correctly.)

(chorus)

i need you babe like i need air
you're the reason i live and the reason i breathe
You don't need "air" you need oxygen.

[(chorus) slowly?]

WHY CANT I BE WITH YOU?
You left her for a gardening tool.


Sorry to be an A-hole but I just didn't think it was original or "good" at all.

EDIT: If you think you can crit one of my pieces without holding a grudge feel free to pick one out of my sig.
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 15, 2008,