#1
I'd greatly appreciate any criticism. I'll also return some commentary if you'd like. Thanks in advance.

Share the Air

In the summer
The sun is closer
The light doesn't flatter

I love to breath that air
So much that I'll share it
With these daytime werewolves
#2
A few things I like: It's short and to the point, the line structure, very vivid imagery for such a short piece, the idea behind it.

Dislike(s): There isn't sufficient setup for "daytime werewolves", so it came across as awkward and out of place when I read it. That's my only gripe.

Overall, nice little read, especially since I just got done watching The Bucket List, so my emotional senses are heightened.

If you get a chance, take a look at Best Wishes in the sig, cheers
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Thanks for the crit. I'll look into developing the werewolves part a little. A little more length won't kill this, I don't think.
#4
Here's the thing, if you're profile doesn't lie, you live in South Carolina, US. Which means you live in the northern hemisphere. And when it's summer in the Northern Hemisphere, the sun is at aphelion (or farthest away from the sun, not closer).

I bet you're saying, "But that doesn't make sense!" And it wouldn't unless you knew that the northern hemisphere is also tilted towards the sun at aphelion, so we get more insolation.

So... if you lived in the Southern Hemisphere, awesome job!

Seriously though, I like it and think you should make it longer like Billyjson said.

Crit one of mine in my profile?
#5
Damn facts. Fortunately, I think that that knowledge is not widespread enough to justify changing this piece. Thanks for the crit/scientific schooling.
#6
Quote by opivy21
Damn facts. Fortunately, I think that that knowledge is not widespread enough to justify changing this piece. Thanks for the crit/scientific schooling.


I don't want you to change it, it's good. I was just letting you know. Although if you do decide to do anything, make it longer because it feels too short.
#7
Length is something I struggle with in my writing. It often feels like I'm being redundant or just saying the same thing in a different way, which I guess isn't too awful, but I'd rather keep it lean. Plus, in this case, the lyrics fit with the music pretty well because the song is also short and mostly instrumental.