#1
For example:

What's funny about four black guys driving off a cliff in a cadilac?

Answer:
They were my friends.

People seem to be confused, then the go away and think about it and start laughing, which is really quite mean.

Anyone else know any?

[And yes I did use the search bar, for all those little 12 year olds that care about that kinda stuff]
Dear diary.

Today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender.

I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me.
#4
Well this is a downer.

The only one I can think of was one that I made up in chemistry.
My teacher was reading mol jokes, e.g. What is a mols favorite board game? Molopoly. etc.
Anyways she asks "What's the scariest disease for a mol?"
I respond "AIDS."

The class is briefly silent as they ponder my joke, before erupting into laughter.
#6
These are the best kind of jokes
“Just to sum up: I would do various things very quickly.” - Donald Trump
#9
Quote by Underjoggle
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

The pilot.




How do Chinese people name their children?

By using their primary language.
#10
knock knock
who's there?
a rapist
a rapist who?
it doesn't matter, i just raped you
Quotes from other UGers in your signatures that talk about how good you are suck donkey schlong.
#11
Quote by leafy
knock knock
who's there?
a rapist
a rapist who?
it doesn't matter, i just raped you

fail.
#14
here it goes....
what did the robot say to the centipede?
stop being a centipede
the funny thing was the robot didnt have any arms
(not my joke, not sure if this applies...)
#15
^^^^you are sooooo reported.

have fun in the FOTB.
EDIT: to the rick rolll

anywho


What do you call a black man working in a field.


Well it really what field he is working in. If he works in the field of biology, then he would be called a scientist, but if he works in the field of calculus then he would be called a mathematician.
#16
So a Jewish Doctor, a Swedish Fireman and a American Socialite walking her dog walk in a bar.

The Jewish Doctor asks the bartender,


nothing.

The Bartender was just stabbed in the chest during a robbery and is severely bleeding, laying on the floor, bloody foam spraying from his mouth. The cash register is empty and beside it is a picture of his wife and 4 children. He dies shortly after.
#17
A man is walking along a beach and he sees an old lamp lying half-buried in the sand. He picks it up, rubs the sand off of it, and poof, out comes a genie.

"Since you have freed me from my prison, you shall be granted three wishes!" the genie says.

"I wish for ten million dollars, my own private island, and a supermodel girlfriend!" the man says.

"Granted," the genie says, and disappears in a cloud of smoke.

But the guy never actually gets what he wished for as he was actually on an acid trip at the time and the whole genie incident never really happened.


What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

One is an expensive European car favored by the rich and famous, while the other is a tragedy that will likely be on the national news for some time.


A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving?

Whichever one owns the car, most likely. At any rate, we should salute these men for overcoming differences that often pit their races against each other, especially in urban areas of southern California.


A blond walks into a store. "I would like to buy that televison, please," she says to the nearest salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the salesman replies.

So the blond, who has just completed her law degree, sues the salesman and the store for discrimination and eventually recieves a substantial out-of-court settlement. The salesman is fired and becomes homeless, begging for spare change to finance his drug habit.


An Irishman, an Afghan, an American, and a Mexican are on an airplane. Suddenly, one of the engines fails. The pilot gets on the intercom and says "It seems that we have lost an engine and we are going down. You are going to have to throw out some of your belongings in order to lighten the plane."

The men go to throw excess stuff out of the plane, but as soon as one of them opens the door the rapid depressurization of the cabin causes the plane to be torn to bits and crash in a flaming heap to the ground below, killing everyone on board.


How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. What, were you thinking it would take more? What do you have against the Irish?
kill all humans
#18
^^^^

Your good!
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Quote by H4T3BR33D3R
You can make that in a day. Give blowjobs in your school bathroom for 10 bucks.


That's how I paid the downpayment on my car.
#19
What is the difference between an ill mallard and your mother?

Well, one is a sick duck, and I forget how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

.....

But seriously:
What's so funny about the Holocaust?

Nothing. 6 Million people were brutally killed. It was very sad.
SAVE THE JAZZ

"Remember, there are two kinds of people in the world:
People who finish things, and"
#20
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?


Rape.

¬_¬
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


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#21
I think it's time to revive this one from the pits of The Pit...
Dear diary.

Today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender.

I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me.
#22
Quote by GnR_ROK



A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him.

Savagely.


omg wow i haven't laughed so hard in ages
Quote by Xiaoxi
Yea, you show her common sense. You show her your common sense hard. You shove your common sense down her throat. She's a naughty little thing and you need to beat some common sense all over her face.


^In regards to incest
#23
Whats the different between Neil Armstrong and Micheal Jackson?


One of them walks on the moon, and the other one...


Has been to court on child abuse charges
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm now so drunk that even if my mom had given me a blow job at aeg 2, i'd be like I'm a pmp, butches.!

If this even madkes sense... if yhou sig this, Iw ll kill you.
#24
what do you get when you put a baby in a blender?

Either life imprisonment or the death sentence, depending on the legal system in the country where you commit the crime.

(The actual punchline is "an erection")
'08 Gretsch White Falcon
'98 Fender USA Deluxe Tele
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A bunch of funky pedals

Handwired 50 Watt Plexi Lead Clone w/ Orange 4x12
#25
GUY 1: Yesterday, I had incredible s3x with this 40 year old lady
GUY 2: Who was she?
GUY 1: [tells the name]
GUY 2: That's my mom.
Quote by dan ramP
RSOB and Gavs must have a great relationship to be able to sleep around so much
Quote by RSOB Bass
Yeah, it's pretty flexible. Like gavz.


Likes to play thread games, also!

*[/dead]*
#27
Quote by MeltingWaxFace
So a Jewish Doctor, a Swedish Fireman and a American Socialite walking her dog walk in a bar.

The Jewish Doctor asks the bartender,


nothing.

The Bartender was just stabbed in the chest during a robbery and is severely bleeding, laying on the floor, bloody foam spraying from his mouth. The cash register is empty and beside it is a picture of his wife and 4 children. He dies shortly after.

This thread is depressing.
"A war is coming, I've seen it in my dreams. Fires sweeping through the earth, bodies in the streets, cities turned to dust. Retaliation..."


Check out my amazing band!
An Abstract Illusion
#28
Quote by fallenangel20
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?


Rape.

¬_¬



whats worse than finding a worm in your apple

finding half a worm in your apple
#29
Quote by Gu1tar K1d


Win. Epic win.



Your signiture thing is wrong, its "Ill BREAK my foot of in your ass women
#30
So three witches were trying to turn pinecones into gold, after many years they finally succeeded.


They were burned to death shortly after.
#33
Quote by alaskan_ninja
A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who is driving?

Whichever one owns the car, most likely. At any rate, we should salute these men for overcoming differences that often pit their races against each other, especially in urban areas of southern California.


Anti-jokes ftw.
#34
Ok, so this is from a Jimmy Carr stand-up, but it's great.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Finding two worms.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding two worms?
Being raped.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#35
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
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#36
whats the difference between georgia and russia?


russia will win
you gonna get raped!!!!!!!


#37
Whats the difference between blacks and jews?

Years of slavery.
Quote by Vornik
Thanks for the advice. I'm going to put it, along with your other advice, into a book, the pages of which I will then use to wipe my ass.
#38
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Because they practice.
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#39
Quote by Twist of fate
So two black guys walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What will you two fine gentlemen have today?" So they order, pay their tab, and couldn't have been more courteous.


Yeah, I can quote TV shows too.

Quote by dann_blood
Whats the difference between Jews & Blacks?

Years of slavery.


Win.