#1
crit for crit--only guaranteed if you leave a link.

the title comes from this.
It's French for "This is not a song".

Oh, and since this was written to music, even though the rhythm may be hard to pick out from this, commenting on that fact is something less than helpful :p
anyway, here:

Intro:
You dreamt of standing two steps past Eden
and never looking back.
Such whispered the wind, Of sin and tact
Between mild and absolute;
that as you wake, you hesitate:
God asphyxiates,
from a simple lack of proof.

Verse 1:
“I’d take the tree”, you assure me
In your customarily brief
Manner of speaking, on such things
That you can hardly perceive.
Oh mercy me,
Oh, mercy me…

Remember when you pricked your thumb?
And drew blood, on that pin
That proclaimed, from your shoulder strap
“Sense is all chagrin”.

Pre chorus:
Well I digress, too I guess
I bite my sandwich

Chorus:
Just say yes to common sense
And you might make it through.
But as for God, well I’ve a thought
That he prays at night to you

Verse 2
“believe in me, I’ll believe in you”
A quid pro quo of truth?
Or just the thing the sinners need
When it gets too hard to choose?
Well, what’ve we to lose?
What’ve we to lose?

How can a book be full of truth
When all it is so much wood
And ink, not set in stone

You wonder, when your life is yours alone.

Prechorus:
Well I digress, too I guess
I bite my sandwich

Chorus:
Just say yes to common sense
And you might make it through.
But as for God, he's sold and bought;

Verse three:
Sitting on the floor at half past four
Your legs crossed at the knees,
You strike a match, and let out a gasp,
As the apple falls from the tree.
Hardly far, you see
Hardly far, you see…

Oh mercy me.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Jun 15, 2008,
#2
Bonjour mon mari!

Intro:
You dreamt of standing two steps past Eden
and never looking back.
Such whispered the wind, Of sin and tact
Between mild and absolute;
that as you wake, you hesitate:
God asphyxiates,
from a simple lack of proof.
A few notes on the first line, I find your choice of dreamt interesting - going for the British tense, nice! As to "two steps past Eden" I'm interested to know two steps in what direction. I've read East of Eden (this rant doesn't mean you need to read the book) and it was about the focus of going to the west, then returning back to the east. (It might help to know this was during the big westward migrations of America, oui?) L3 and L4 are too abstract for me... I can't understand them as well as I like. I vaguely have the idea of what the person ("You") is doing, but I had thought they were standing away from Eden, if that makes sense...? Going away from it, but from the rest of the verse it seems to be that they're going towards it in the dream, but that awaking kills the possibility? I think I know what you're saying in L3 L4, I think you could just say it better.

Verse 1:
“I’d take the tree”, you assure me
In your customarily brief
Manner of speaking, on such things
That you can hardly perceive.
Oh mercy me,
Oh, mercy me…
The only part that catches me here is the tree.... what is the tree? Why would they take that? What does it mean, and represent? I'm lost on that point... maybe I'm supposed to be? The rest of it is rather straightforward.


Remember when you pricked your thumb?
And drew blood, on that pin
That proclaimed, from your shoulder strap
“Sense is all chagrin”.
It took me a while to comprehend this verse and I think I figured out why... it's the second sentence of it: and drew blood, on that pin that proclaimed, from your shoulder strap COMMA "sense is all chagrin". Because the "from your...strap" is an aside. It took me a while to realize the pin is what says the quote, not the subject... also the period should be inside the quotation marks.

Chorus:
Just say yes to common sense
And you might make it through.
But as for God, well I’ve a thought
That he prays at night to you
I like this. I really don't have more comment on it other than I like it. It seems nice and peaceful, and it has a good view on things. I'm making no sense.

Chorus:
Just say yes to common sense
And you might make it through.
But as for God, he's sold and bought;
I don't like this so much because the previous stanza is four lines and this one is only three. The internal rhyme between God and bought (however slant) is a good one - but I'm still looking for another line, another rhyme.

Verse three:
Sitting on the floor at half past four
Your legs crossed at the knees,
You strike a match, and let out a gasp,
As the apple falls from the tree.
Hardly far, you see
Hardly far, you see…
I wish the time had some greater consequence, although I know it's just for the rhyme. I love the apple falling, although I don't understand the importance of it not falling far. I'm guessing it is from the idiom of children being like their parents.... A part of me can't see how this relates to the rest of the song, but then I just wondered the connection of man to God, and is that it maybe? Or are you insinuating the relation to your subject ("you") and Adam/Eve? (Depending on gender.) I'm not sure...


I liked this while at the same time I'm not sure what to make of it. Some places are too vague and like all songs I read it like a poem and expect more out of it. You have some brilliant lines though, as always. I'm just not sure what the overall message is - if any? Oh, but those are my thoughts...
#3
Intro:
You dreamt of standing two steps past Eden
and never looking back.
Such whispered the wind, Of sin and tact
Between mild and absolute;
that as you wake, you hesitate:
God asphyxiates,
from a simple lack of proof.
love this

Verse 1:
“I’d take the tree”, you assure me
In your customarily brief
Manner of speaking, on such things
That you can hardly perceive.
Oh mercy me,
Oh, mercy me…
i didnt feel much on this one....its well written but it didnt hit me like the previous

Remember when you pricked your thumb?
And drew blood, on that pin
That proclaimed, from your shoulder strap
“Sense is all chagrin”.
i liked it....not sure what you mean by shoulder strap.....a gun?

Pre chorus:
Well I digress, too I guess
I bite my sandwich
i got nothing from this

Chorus:
Just say yes to common sense
And you might make it through.
But as for God, well I’ve a thought
That he prays at night to you
nice...i like the play on God

Verse 2
“believe in me, I’ll believe in you”
A quid pro quo of truth?
Or just the thing the sinners need
When it gets too hard to choose?
Well, what’ve we to lose?
What’ve we to lose?
Hit me like a train

How can a book be full of truth
When all it is so much wooddidnt sound right...throw another is?
And ink, not set in stone
You wonder, when your life is yours alone.
you have some good meaning in there but i thought it lacked literality

Prechorus:
Well I digress, too I guess
I bite my sandwich

Chorus:
Just say yes to common sense
And you might make it through.
But as for God, he's sold and bought;
last line is good

Verse three:
Sitting on the floor at half past four
Your legs crossed at the knees,
You strike a match, and let out a gasp,
As the apple falls from the tree.
Hardly far, you see
Hardly far, you see…
absolutely the best part of this piece
Oh mercy me.


overall this is amazing piece.
ive been wanting to write on this subject for awhile.
full of meaning.
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#4
I know the people above me have given detailed crits and mine is short. But just if you ever need a second opinion, you know.

I liked the rhyming, especially the word 'asphyxiates'. I can feel the pacing of the words and how it can be sung, maybe not what you think though.

However the line "I bite my sandwich" in the prechorus is kind of weird for me. But if you sing it right and make it sound like 'digress' then it'll be okay.

Overall nice piece.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=891771
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian