#1
I'm done with this
and i'm done with you
and everyone who thinks they know what is true
about me
because anyone who thinks that im so happy doesnt know a thing
about me

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

goodbye to the ones i loved
who loved me back
and i might even miss the ones who didnt
dont be sad mom and dad
i did this for me there was nothing you could do

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

and im on my way out the door now
i know what i'm doing is the end of it all
but i just need to go
cuz as far as i can tell
i'd be better off living in hell

no therapist can solve these problems
no way to talk me through
goodbye to the world
from one little speck whos through
with you

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

these are my last words
my last pleading cries of pain
these are the last things to say to you
i hope you can go on just as you were before

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

goodbye everyone....


im not emo....i just heard the chorus in my head and wrote words to go with it
crit. plzkthnx
Last edited by wingederaser94 at Jun 16, 2008,
#2
I'm done with this
and i'm done with you
and everyone who thinks they know what is true
about me
because anyone who thinks that im so happy doesnt know a thing
about me
i'm so happy doesn't fit the purpose.
if these people think you are happy,
you must be a good actor.
why be done with your audience?
maybe if they think you should be happy,
i could empathize.
that would mean they don't understand the weight you feel.


so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
too much. here you're being executed. not by your own hand.
later you make it sound like your decision.
they don't line up.

these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

goodbye to the ones i loved
who loved me back
and i might even miss the ones who didnt
dont be sad mom and dad
i did this for me there was nothing you could do

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

and im on my way out the door now
i know what i'm doing is the end of it all
but i just need to go to heaven
cuz as far as i can tell
i've been living in hell
not totally buying this one.
those who believe in heaven and hell
will doubt the certainty of heaven as a reward for suicide.
hoping for heaven or at least a lesser hell than the one you have here
would be more believable


no therapist can solve these problems
no way to talk me through
goodbye to the world
from one little speck whos through
with you

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

these are my last words
my last pleading cries of pain
these are the last things to say to you
i hope you can go on just as you were before

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

goodbye everyone....

sincer-

(perhaps a gunshot in the background?)

way over-the-top, melodramatic.
this stretches on too far and too little is said, other than goodbye.
you say that throughout the piece.
repeating it at the end is weak.
then you interrupt the sign-off with a gunshot.
think about it for a minute:
would someone pull the trigger on their self before finishing the write?
goodbye should come only at the end.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Your flow is choppy and your writing is boring. I apologize for being so blunt, but I'd like some imagery, or at least a more pressing topic than depressive introversion which has been done to death and not on a high level more often than not. You show some potential citing some interesting ideas like the inability of a therapist to help you bringing a more real-world idea into what is otherwise a very vague and trite piece. I take it you're relatively new to writing, so there's no need to be discouraged, no one starts out as Robert Frost or Bob Dylan or whoever. Keep writing and consult the S&L tips thread for some ideas. Good luck and thanks for the comments.
#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
too much. here you're being executed. not by your own hand.
later you make it sound like your decision.
they don't line up.

these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...


I agree I thought at first you were writing as a prisoner sentenced to death in the moments before being taken to the hangman's noose (which would have been a much more interesting idea) and my initial reaction was that the prisoner would want to say something important to the people he loved or to those he hated and wouldn't waste time scribbling on a piece of paper that he is actually scribbling on a piece of paper with a ball point pen. I started to wonder where the prisoner got the ball point pen.

Then as it became clear that it was a suicide note I became completely disinterested.

Sorry but Iddidn't get the rest of the way through it.
#6
I'm done with this
and i'm done with you
and everyone who thinks they know what is true maybe contract into "what's"
about me
because anyone who thinks that im so happy doesnt know a thing Cliche
about me

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen... I really dig the chorus

goodbye to the ones i loved
who loved me back
and i might even miss the ones who didnt
dont be sad mom and dad
i did this for me there was nothing you could do Not groundbreaking, but well written

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

and im on my way out the door now
i know what i'm doing is the end of it all
but i just need to go
cuz as far as i can tell
i'd be better off living in hell This stanza is good until the last two lines

no therapist can solve these problems
no way to talk me through
goodbye to the world
from one little speck whos through
with you Again, nothing new, but you do a great job of putting yourself in this mindset

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

these are my last words
my last pleading cries of pain
these are the last things to say to you
i hope you can go on just as you were before See above

so
these are my last words
my last thoughts as i go to the hang-mans noose
these are my last words
scribbled on a paper
with the ink of a ball-point pen...

goodbye everyone....

Overall, you certainly aren't going into any new territory, but you do seem to have an insoght into human psychology most writers along this line do not. I think I'm going to check out some of your other stuff. c4c?
#7
I really liked it. The overall mood and theme were great, the only fault I saw was the word 'Therapist', to me it seems awkward, maybe doctor would work better?, but if you can sing it then whatever works for you. Good job. Crit mine if you wouldnt mind? its in my sig.