#1
c4c. Second half sucks.

Buzzzzzzzzz
I'm a bumblebee on a trampoline,
A bu-bu-buzzing calamity.
And all the flowers say,
"Hey, creep, don't pollinate me."
So I guess I can't make this world
A prettier place,
But I'll still sting some fucker
To go out with a bang.
Last edited by NGD1313 at Jun 16, 2008,
#2
Quote by NGD1313
c4c. Second half sucks.

Buzzzzzzzzz
I'm a bumblebee on a trampoline,
A bu-bu-buzzing calamity.
And all the flowers say,
"Hey, creep, don't pollinate me."

haha....this is very much like my life...i really like "a bu-bu-buzzing calamity"

So I guess I can't make this world
A prettier place,
But I'll sting some fucker
To go out with a bang.

wow....i REALLY like this piece


the entire piece is really good. the extended metaphor is great, and i would love if you would continue it....c4c? the one in my sig. would be appreciated

plzkthnx

~Adam
#5
You're right, the last 2 lines slip down to mediocrity. I have no problem with '****er' here but surely you could make more of it, creat more of a contrasting image, like for it to sting a child? Also 'bang' was a poor choice imo.

Other than that I liked what you had started with, in all honesty for its length it didn't say much, or I'm not taking much from it. It's a nice little ditty.

peACE
Wb btw.

(Stop by the UG chat server - there's a thread at the top of S+L)
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
My initial idea was actually to have it finish by stinging a child, but I couldn't figure out how to word it, not that it's worded all that well anyway.

Anyway, good to see you guys again. Anything either of you want me to look at? I'm sure I owe you both a ton by now.
#7
I agree that that image would be an excellent way to finish this piece off. A really excellent way.

Liked reading most of this one, Nick.
#9
You need to post more stuff. I always enjoy reading yours as much as or more than most anyone else's stuff.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me