#1
I just made this today, the structure fits well to a song I have on the guitar so please rate the lyrics for me and give any constructive criticism. leave a link and ill look at yours.

A man sits down on the grass in a park
Where his eyes were once bright
They now are dark
And faded
His grandchildren run past him
Playing with the birds
But he can't laugh with them
He's bitter
And jaded

His fingers remember what his heart tries to not
The feel of the trigger the music of the shot
He shuts his eyes
As he hugs his grandchild he stares at his hand
Is it the man who does the work or the work who makes the man
He starts to cry

What he would have given for a life of easy living
But his years were hard full of half lit dawn
Waiting for the light to come
Waiting for a dove's sweet song
He wakes every day to forget the face of god

Now it is night and the grandchildren have all gone
His son back to his own home to sleep with his love
The old man is forgotten
Alone by the bedside, remembering his comrades words
If we kill now, lives will be saved in turn
Was it worth it?

Life after the war was never quite like before
Time went on for everyone but stagnated for the corp
Robbed of life
They cant love, they cant laugh, they cant sing, they cant work
They cant go on like the rest so they wait at the shore
To die

His dreams he still holds today
Travel the world with a guitar to play
Because he still dreams it makes it more painful to say
It's over, my life has slipped away...
#2
A man sits down on the grass in a park
I think this line would be better worded as "A man sits in the grass in a park" Right now it seems too wordy and jumbled.
Where his eyes were once bright
They now are dark
And faded
I read these two lines as one, so since they're so short, I think it would be smoother written as "They now are dark and faded" because even though I read it as one line, it was a stumbling block the first time.
His grandchildren run past him
Playing with the birds
But he can't laugh with them
He's bitter
And jaded
Again, these last two lines would be better as one, to me. They also seem pretty cliche to me and detract from the piece.

His fingers remember what his heart tries to not
The feel of the trigger the music of the shot I'd split this line into two.
He shuts his eyes
As he hugs his grandchild he stares at his hand
Is it the man who does the work or the work who makes the man
He starts to cry
I like the rest of this stanza. The first time I read through, though, I read it as "he shuts his eyes as he hugs his grandchild he stares at his hand" which completely ruined any flow. But now I see that it's supposed to be "He shuts his eyes. As he hugs his grandchild he stares at his hand." Or, actually, is it supposed to be "He shuts his eyes as he hugs his grandchild. He stares at his hand; is it the man. . ."? I'm confused again. lol

What he would have given for a life of easy living
But his years were hard full of half lit dawnThis line seems jumbled like some of the other ones.. I'd split it so it reads "But his years were hard, full of half-lit dawn"
Waiting for the light to come
Waiting for a dove's sweet song
He wakes every day to forget the face of god
Nitpicking here, but, if you're talking about Christianity's god, you should capitalize god. His name is God, and he is their god. Confusing, no? lol And if you aren't referring to Christians' god, you might want to throw in a "his"

Now it is night and the grandchildren have all gone
His son back to his own home to sleep with his love
The old man is forgotten
Alone by the bedside, remembering his comrades words
If we kill now, lives will be saved in turn
Was it worth it?
The fourth line got me... "by the bedside" seems redundant. And why is he beside his bed at night and not in it? lol Good stanza though.

Life after the war was never quite like before
Time went on for everyone but stagnated for the corp
Robbed of life
They cant love, they cant laugh, they cant sing, they cant work
They cant go on like the rest so they wait at the shore
To die
By saying "but" in the second line, you already show there's a difference, so saying "but stagnated for the corp" is redundant to me. I also am not sure stagnated would be easy to sing in a song. lol The list of "can't"s seems a little long. And the whole "So they wait at the shore to die" thing confused me. What shore? Why're they waiting at a shore anyway?

His dreams he still holds today
Travel the world with a guitar to play
Because he still dreams it makes it more painful to sayOnce again, I'd split this line to make it easier to understand.
It's over, my life has slipped away...
I like the last stanza. It was my favorite of the whole thing.

The writing got better as the song progressed. The song itself seemed like a really long song. Reading it without music makes it seem like more of a ballad-poem than a song itself. The story is good though.

Good job.
If you'd like to, you can read through one of mine.
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=884288
or
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/sh...ad.php?t=886249
I'd appreciate it. =)