#1
So I recently found my old notebook where I would occasionaly jot down lyric ideas, and this was the longest one...Comments, suggestions are always appeciated


I''ve Trapped Myself
inside the same four walls that you helped build upon
I've hurt myself
over things that have happened, you would think i'd catch on
Am I crazy or just deranged?
over the same damn things, i guess its hard to change
when the house you've built comes crashing down
Im the fool who sits like the king without his crown

I've lost myslef in this facade I've put on
how did i confuse myself? this all feels very wrong
All hope is lost, but it always comes back
be it a nudge or smile, it somehow makes all the lost time worthwhile
Schizophrenic not depenent on what i've done
but somehow I'm convinced that I've fooled everyone
I don't trust myself
I don't trust myslef on what exactly I will do
I Just don't trust myself,
cause I can't help the fact that i need you


"Seperate the Body From The Mind"
Last edited by j_u_s_t_m_e at Jun 16, 2008,
#2
Damn, that's good man.
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#3
Quote by Kynyster_K
Damn, that's good man.


Thanks


"Seperate the Body From The Mind"
#4
I''ve Trapped Myself
inside the same four walls that you helped build upon
you might drop upon. it isn't needed, and it's a weak place, rhythmically, to end the line.
the "rhyme" with catch on is no prize, anyway.

I've hurt myself
over things that have happened, you would think i'd catch on
full stop after happened.
i hear the contraction on the first would rather than the second.
or even on both.
nothing wrong with the way you have it, just personal taste.

Am I crazy or just deranged?
you could cleave this after the first 3 words,
and maintain a pattern with the two previous groups.
perhaps keep the question mark at the end of that line and
move the balance to the next, splitting the next after things,

over the same damn things, i guess its hard to change
when the house you've built comes crashing down
Im the fool who sits like the king without his crown
his crown implies he has one, but just isn't wearing it
s crown would imply he doesn't have one.
maybe the latter would suit you better.


I've lost myslef in this facade I've put on
this line is clumsy/cluttered.
you need a clean start to this second half.

how did i confuse myself? this all feels very wrong
All hope is lost, but it always comes back
be it a nudge or smile, it somehow makes all the lost time worthwhile
Schizophrenic not depenent on what i've done
but somehow I'm convinced that I've fooled everyone
I don't trust myself
I don't trust myslef on what exactly I will do
i like the repetition, but the end of the line is messy.
I Just don't trust myself,
alright, i suppose.
personally, i'd rather the first 4 were an exact copy of the two previous lines,
but it's not horrible the way you did it.

cause I can't help the fact that i need you


typos (4) were an unnecessary annoyance, while reading.
Meadows
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