#1
A short story of a transition (yet to come), speculations of a new life, and an escape from the mundane. Not inspired by Chris McCandless, but I feel that some of his philosophies suite me.


"The core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences."
-Chris




A New Breeze


I set out in a predictable way, I suppose.
One foot in front of the other was fine until I hit the lake,
and I didn't intend to go out with a splash. No,
that was the girl who showed up to graduation
with veins flowing Absolut like the Alaskan Pipeline
(and the guy in the back of the class wearing the varsity jacket
will soon ask, "Huh? I thought that was for oil, not vodka?").

But I never carried those stereotypes around with me,
only Emerson, Dickens, and Lemony Snicket
(we all need a break now and then). This series of unfortunate events,
which one might refer to as high school, is now in the past
and I'm moving on. It never takes long to find a boat, and soon
that lake is behind me too.
Back to the Winter Warlock march.

It's a long 4,000 miles to the Final Frontier (4167 actually,
but who's counting?) and I can't help but feel awe
at the vastness of each step I take. One moment
I'm stocking eggs at the local SuperValue while studying
for the big test in the morning - just enough to get by - the next
I'm snatching my diploma at a dead sprint on my way out of town.
At least the satellites understand.

My haste may be the cause of some confusion; it was a decent town,
a decent house, a decent life, but it was only decent. It wasn't home.
Exceptional is something you have to catch on an old, beat-up
fly rod. Once it's on the hook you have to fight for it,
and fight hard, or it will escape and you'll be left ordering
take-out for dinner. Well, I only have one fly left
and I'm not settling for Chinese. I'll see you soon, Alaska.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jun 24, 2008,
#2
I set out in a predictable way, I suppose.
One foot in front of the other was fine until I hit the lake,
and I didn't intend to go out with a splash. No,
that was the girl who showed up to graduation
with veins flowing Absolute like the Alaskan Pipeline
(and the guy in the back of the class wearing the varsity jacket
will soon ask, "Huh? I thought that was for oil, not vodka?").
I think I may just be trying too hard, but I don't really get the last three lines. Brilliant though.

But I never carried those stereotypes around with me,
only Emerson, Dickens, and Lemony Snicket
(we all need a break now and then). This series of unfortunate events,
which one might refer to as high school, is now a "was" though
and I'm moving on. It never takes long to find a boat, and soon
that lake is in the past too.
Back to the Winter Warlock march.
I don't understand the "Winter Warlock" part, but other than those two words, this stanza was great as well.

It's a long 4,000 miles to the Final Frontier (4167 actually,
but who's counting?) and I can't help but feel awe
at the vastness of each step I take. One moment
I'm stocking eggs at the local SuperValue while studying
for the big test in the morning - just enough to get by - the next
I'm snatching my diploma at a dead sprint on my way out of town.
At least the satellites understand.

My haste may be the cause of some confusion; it was a decent town,
a decent house, a decent life, but it was only decent. It wasn't home.
Exceptional is something you have to catch on an old, beat-up
fly rod. Once it's on the hook you have to fight for it,
and fight hard, or it will escape and you'll be left ordering
take-out for dinner. Well, I only have one fly left
and I'm not settling for Chinese. I'll see you soon, Alaska.
Not completely sure of why Alaska is where exceptional is... But I'm sure I'm just missing something. lol


This was excellent. The things I mentioned in blue are the only things I could nitpick at. I loved everything else. Sorry I couldn't say more. lol

Would you care to read over one/both of mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=884288
or
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=886249
I'd appreciate it greatly. =)
#3



A New Breeze


I set out in a predictable way, I suppose.
One foot in front of the other was fine until I hit the lake,
and I didn't intend to go out with a splash. No,
that was the girl who showed up to graduation
with veins flowing Absolute like the Alaskan Pipeline
(and the guy in the back of the class wearing the varsity jacket
will soon ask, "Huh? I thought that was for oil, not vodka?").

First few lines are good, nothing too noteworthy. The last four I really like.

But I never carried those stereotypes around with me,
only Emerson, Dickens, and Lemony Snicket
(we all need a break now and then). This series of unfortunate events,
which one might refer to as high school, is now a "was" though
and I'm moving on. It never takes long to find a boat, and soon
that lake is in the past too.
Back to the Winter Warlock march.

The fourth line of this stanza gave me problems. "s now a "was" though" is a mouthful, and I stumbled over it. Maybe figure out a way to rewrite it.

It's a long 4,000 miles to the Final Frontier (4167 actually,
but who's counting?) and I can't help but feel awe
at the vastness of each step I take. One moment
I'm stocking eggs at the local SuperValue while studying
for the big test in the morning - just enough to get by - the next
I'm snatching my diploma at a dead sprint on my way out of town.
At least the satellites understand.

My haste may be the cause of some confusion; it was a decent town,
a decent house, a decent life, but it was only decent. It wasn't home.
Exceptional is something you have to catch on an old, beat-up
fly rod. Once it's on the hook you have to fight for it,
and fight hard, or it will escape and you'll be left ordering
take-out for dinner. Well, I only have one fly left
and I'm not settling for Chinese. I'll see you soon, Alaska.

Sorry I couldn't be more constructive, but I'm just trying to get into this forum a little bit more. Anyway, I really, really liked this piece. I just graduated and this is really gonna spark some thought from me. Thanks for the read.
#5
Thanks for the crits, you all have some good points which I'll take into consideration. I'm glad you could relate opivy21, I'm graduating next year but I've known I'm going to UAF (University of Alaska-Fairbanks) for a while now. And Garb, I was alluding to the Winter Warlock from Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, with the whole "one foot in front of the other" musical number.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
nothing in the first three really, grabbed me.
not awful, not wonderful. they were just sorta there. alright.
the only parenthetical that came close to connecting with me was the third.
and i hated the way it spread across the line break.
did you ever read a piece that others though was good, but you couldn't feel it?
that was me reading this one.
but at this point, you finally grabbed me hard:
Exceptional is something you have to catch on an old, beat-up
fly rod. Once it's on the hook you have to fight for it,
and fight hard, or it will escape and you'll be left ordering
take-out for dinner. Well, I only have one fly left
and I'm not settling for Chinese. I'll see you soon, Alaska.

the pivot on exceptional was sweet. (you hadn't actually used the word before)
and there were no clever/amazing devices or verbage.
just a clean delivery of a clean thought.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
set out in a predictable way, I suppose.
One foot in front of the other was fine until I hit the lake,
and I didn't intend to go out with a splash. No,
that was the girl who showed up to graduation
with veins flowing Absolute like the Alaskan Pipeline
(and the guy in the back of the class wearing the varsity jacket
will soon ask, "Huh? I thought that was for oil, not vodka?").

Drop the "I suppose" It's unneccesary. Also, I loved the last three lines

But I never carried those stereotypes around with me,
only Emerson, Dickens, and Lemony Snicket
(we all need a break now and then). This series of unfortunate events,
which one might refer to as high school, is now a "was" though
and I'm moving on. It never takes long to find a boat, and soon
that lake is in the past too.
Back to the Winter Warlock march.

I would change "is now a was" to "is now in the past" and "is in the past too" to " is behind me too"

It's a long 4,000 miles to the Final Frontier (4167 actually,
but who's counting?) and I can't help but feel awe
at the vastness of each step I take. One moment
I'm stocking eggs at the local SuperValue while studying
for the big test in the morning - just enough to get by - the next
I'm snatching my diploma at a dead sprint on my way out of town.
At least the satellites understand.

I don't think the part in parentheses is neccessary. Also, I don't see the point of the last line

My haste may be the cause of some confusion; it was a decent town,
a decent house, a decent life, but it was only decent. It wasn't home.
Exceptional is something you have to catch on an old, beat-up
fly rod. Once it's on the hook you have to fight for it,
and fight hard, or it will escape and you'll be left ordering
take-out for dinner. Well, I only have one fly left
and I'm not settling for Chinese. I'll see you soon, Alaska.

I loved the first two lines and the repition of decent. I also liked the message of this stanza.
#8
Thanks mars, great suggestion on the second stanza, I think that will trip people up less. The I suppose and things in parenthesis were meant to keep it a little goofy, until the last stanza at least.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.