#1
Drip drip,
the blood drips,
Into the vial,
Just another drop,
no different from the rest,

Cry, die,
tears of acid,
make this harder,
Wrack our bodies,
bruise our souls,

Black crimson,
dark and light,
Anti-thesi,
come together to show us,
to show us us,

A tear-stained pillow,
A tear-stained romance,

An acid-washed face,

Palid, hollow,
Pale pink lips spread open,
as the rabbit goes down it's hole,
The pill slides down and we weep,
Weep for solace,
for joy,
for pain,
for love,
For us,

This ecstasy,
in itself,
is a fucking calamity,
The dark and light,
now dances together,
in this glass,
topples over,
vial shatters,
Now it's a fucking mess,
and no one wants to clean it up,

Pain is pleasure,
leads to more pain,
which is pleasure,
What the hell does it mean,
when we have to hurt,
to feel loved?


I'm not sure how I feel about this one... I feel like it could be called mediocre at best stretch of my imagination... But you are your own worst critic. lol I hope you all will at least enjoy it some. =)
#2
Drip drip,
the blood drips,
Don't like the use of drip again, seems
recycled at this point.

Into the vial,
Just another drop,
no different from the rest,

Cry, die,
Die seems forced in there to make a rhyme, especially
since the next line refers back to the crying. I would take out the first line altogether.

tears of acid,
make this harder,
Wrack our bodies,
bruise our souls,

Black crimson,
dark and light,
Anti-thesi, *anti-thesis (don't think thesi is a word, however much
it may rhyme with 'anti').

come together to show us,
to show us us,

A tear-stained pillow,
A tear-stained romance,

Again, the repetition isn't working for me here. Any other
adjective that could describe the romance?


An acid-washed face,

Palid, hollow, *pallid
Pale pink lips spread open,
Once again... pale...
as the rabbit goes down it's hole, *its
The pill slides down and we weep,
Weep for solace,
for joy,
for pain,
for love,
For us,

Get rid of the repetition and you'd have a very
good verse here.


This ecstasy,
in itself,
is a fucking calamity,
The dark and light,
now dances together,
in this glass,
topples over,
vial shatters,
Now it's a fucking mess,
and no one wants to clean it up,

You portray the intensity in this verse very well.


Pain is pleasure,
leads to more pain,
Needs more of a transition between pleasure and leads.
which is pleasure,
What the hell does it mean,
when we have to hurt,
to feel loved?


One pet peeve of mine is people who use too much grammar in their creative writing. The comma at the end of each line really isn't necessary, but I guess it doesn't matter as much since these are lyrics (as a reader though it hurts my eyes a bit). I'm not really into this type of music, but I think you have a solid song here. But please, just work on that repetition thing a bit
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Quote by Billyjson
Don't like the use of drip again, seems
recycled at this point.

What word would you use? I was trying to think of one, but I couldn't think of anything other than seep or leak and those don't sound that good to me... I'm open to suggestions though. =)

Die seems forced in there to make a rhyme, especially
since the next line refers back to the crying. I would take out the first line altogether.

Hmm. I was intending the first line to be sort of like a thesis statement, but more than that. lol Would it work better if I switched the order so die is first?

*anti-thesis (don't think thesi is a word, however much
it may rhyme with 'anti').

I like making up new words. lol And I love changing plurals to end in -i. Such as in octopi. That's something you'll see me do a lot if you read more of my stuff. lol

Again, the repetition isn't working for me here. Any other
adjective that could describe the romance?

I could think of one.. To me repetition can be powerful or just sound good. I liked it at this point, but I see what you mean. I'll think on some other words to describe it. One again, suggestions welcome. =P

*pallid
Thanks, my eyes messed up on me when I looked in the dictionary to double-check that.

Once again... pale...
I actually took repetition into account when I wrote this.. Pallid is a more extreme paleness, which is appropriate for this because the girl this is about used to be extremely anorexic and bulimic (ballet coach pressured her to keep losing weight) so she fits the definition of pallid (unpleasantly pale (usually suggesting ill-health)) better than pale (having less colour than normal).

*its
Thanks on this too.. I can never remember if possessive has the apostrophe or not.
Get rid of the repetition and you'd have a very
good verse here.

Well.. When I first read this I was sort of confused, but then I got done with your critique... This wasn't supposed to be a song. lol I'm sure I could turn it into one, but it was written as a poem... Dunno if that affects the repetition thing.

You portray the intensity in this verse very well.
I was worried it wouldn't be portrayed well and I'd look like an even worse writer than I am and stupid for that stanza. lol

Needs more of a transition between pleasure and leads.
I'm not sure how to transition it better... The way I'm saying/writing/reading it is that it's something like "Pain is Pleasure leads to more pain." Sort of like if you were saying "Pain is pleasure" and somebody cut you off by saying "Pleasure leads to more pain."

One pet peeve of mine is people who use too much grammar in their creative writing. The comma at the end of each line really isn't necessary, but I guess it doesn't matter as much since these are lyrics (as a reader though it hurts my eyes a bit). I'm not really into this type of music, but I think you have a solid song here. But please, just work on that repetition thing a bit

I usually don't like having commas at the end of every line.. I'm not sure why I left them.. I guess I was just too tired to fix it up. =P

Thanks for the critiques. =)
#5
Quote by Garb
Drip drip,
the blood drips,
Into the vial,
Just another drop,
no different from the rest,

I find the repeated word "drip" works really well, but I think thats a personal thing as Billy doesn't like it so much. The one thing I don't like about this is the word "rest" at the end. I feel like if you bathe around for a while and mull over it, you may find an even better word.

Cry, die,
tears of acid,
make this harder,
Wrack our bodies,
bruise our souls,

This is very stuttery and I feel like you pulled it off. Although I don't know whether I liked the rhyme used in the first line, I can tell that completing a section that has a very stuttering feel is very difficult to do, but you have accomplished it in my eyes.


Black crimson,
dark and light,
Anti-thesi,
come together to show us,
to show us us,

Anti-thesi - don't know what that is; it kind of obscures the feel of it too drastically I'm afraid. This is good, but not special.


A tear-stained pillow,
A tear-stained romance,

An acid-washed face,

Cool, very dramatic and influential.

Palid, hollow,
Pale pink lips spread open,
as the rabbit goes down it's hole,
The pill slides down and we weep,
Weep for solace,
for joy,
for pain,
for love,
For us,

This is an excellent display of weird imagery that is very original. Can't fault it any way personally.


This ecstasy,
in itself,
is a fucking calamity,
The dark and light,
now dances together,
in this glass,
topples over,
vial shatters,
Now it's a fucking mess,
and no one wants to clean it up,

Hemm...well I don't know whether the business of changing the feel of this works of not? It flows like a full sentence, and then mid way through, it reverts back to that stuttering method you previously adopted. Which, is kind of nice but it just alters the way you read it quite substantially and therefore distracts you, maybe a little bit too much. Great use of vulgar langauge though and interesting vocabulary.


Pain is pleasure,
leads to more pain,
which is pleasure,
What the hell does it mean,
when we have to hurt,
to feel loved?

The first three lines flow by nicely, but the fourth line unsettles it. Maybe you could skip a line between the third and the fourth, creating a gap for your thoughts to gather themselves again.


I'm not sure how I feel about this one... I feel like it could be called mediocre at best stretch of my imagination... But you are your own worst critic. lol I hope you all will at least enjoy it some. =)



Your use of words is profound and thoroughly engaging. That is the highlight of this lovely piece. One thing that I found noisy is your alterations in feel. Maybe this is a personal thing, but maybe you could watch out for it, or change this ever so slightly to accomdate my easily distracted mind!

Digitally Clean