#1
grove.


rhythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
ballet is intuition.
so keen
to keep position
on my listen.
a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.

"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."

i stand holding an
umbrella in a breeze-way.
she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
i stayed until the
morning star
took the candle light away,
and fell into a puddle of
my soul as
she danced for more rain.

one of the most personal things i've ever written(posted).
c4c.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 16, 2008,
#2
I thought that was really good. I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to add.

"she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness"

I loved that.
#3
rythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
ballet is intuition.
so intent in all
my listens.
a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.
I don't understand the "rhythm prism." What do you mean by that? The rest of this stanza is beauty though.

"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."
This hit me. I feel what you mean. I've heard-felt this so many times.

i stand holding an
umbrella in a breeze-way.
she fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
The first half of this stanza is confusing to me. What exactly is a breeze-way? I'm sure there's symbolism in "the child plays" but I can't see it. Care to enlighten me/us? lol
i stayed until the
morning star
took the candle light away.
i fell into a puddle of
my soul as
she danced for more rain.
The rest of this stanza is good though. Nothing wrong with it at all.


I'd love to know what this is about so that I could understand it better. But it's personal, so I'm not gonna ask you to say. It's beautifully written (at least to me, the metaphors and all that are something I'm experiencing in my life as well). Great job on conveying your feelings into words. I wish I could say something more critical or constructive, but this is how I feel. lol
#5
"my listens" seemed oh so forced and oh so, well, bad.

The rest I quite liked. I much preferred the latter half as it was far less obtuse, I felt.

I might get back to this one if I can.

Oh, and I thought the quoted part was the the best.
#6
Quote by ottoavist
grove.


rythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
ballet is intuition.
so keen
to keep position.
as always, i listen.
a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.

"rhythm." =D

I think this is the first time you've ever lost me in terms of flow. Not the whole thing, just lines 3-5. "To a fire" threw it offcourse, methinks. Even "as always, I listen" was an awkward read. But still, poetic as always. You are the man.


"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."

As SYK would say, "I read this without the [italics]." That threw me off, I emphasized "love." But I like this. It's seems more raw than what you normally put out.

i stand holding an
umbrella in a breeze-way.
she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
i stayed until the
morning star
took the candle light away,
and fell into a puddle of
my soul as
she danced for more rain.

Love the imagery. I really don't know the significance of the ending line, so the impact that I'm sure was intended didn't really hit me. I mean, I have an idea of what it means, but since it's such a vague concept in my mind, it missed me.

one of the most personal things i've ever written(posted).
c4c.


Really cool, as always. I really like this one because it seemed a lot darker than your normal pieces. Words like "candle" and "umbrella" will bring the mood down. If you could PM me about that last line, that'd be nice. I'm curious.

EDIT: Oh, and if you could crit my newest, it's in my sig. =D
Last edited by my name is Pete at Jun 16, 2008,
#7
thank you guys for your time on this. i'll be getting back.

oh, Garb; a breeze-way is a sheltered outdoor hallway that basically catches the breeze.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
rhythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
remission implies more, i surmise.
ballet is intuition.
so keen
to keep position
on my listen.
i was stunned by all the "shuns"
so glad this line finally ended all that.

a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.

"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."

i stand holding an
umbrella in a breeze-way.
i liked these lines best of all.
not sure about the position of the line break
or if there should even be a line break.
but it still kills.

she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
i stayed until the
morning star
took the candle light away,
i think candlelight looks better as one word.
and fell into a puddle of
then might be a nice touch to start this line.
my soul as
she danced for more rain.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
Quote by ottoavist
grove.


rhythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
ballet is intuition.
so keen
to keep position
on my listen.
a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.

Everything but "to a fire" is a slice of fried gold. 'she put' through 'position' is my favorite thing I've read from you. To be honest, you fix the flow issue with fire... and this is the best thing I've read on this site.

"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."

This, I didn't like. I know Jamie did... but to me, it felt like too much of an aside. It felt like watching the Cosby show and then having Peter Griffin run in and give an aside. You could tell there was something to it, but I just couldn't place my finger on how this sincerely conncets with teh piece. I see a dance link to ballet... but it feels like to much of a tone shift to me. I might just be off though.

i stand holding an
umbrella in a breeze-way.
she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
i stayed until the
morning star
took the candle light away,
and fell into a puddle of
my soul as
she danced for more rain.

Loved this too. More on my actual feelings after the quote.



So here's the deal, the writing itself was wonderful, the flow was like sex on top of butter. Here's my problem with this piece, and with most of your late work:

If you wouldn't have said this was personal, I wouldn't have known. It's like listening to a solo from a metal band as compared to something from BB King. They both sound good, but one is full of emotion and you can feel it. It brings you in, smacks you around and tells you, "This is what I want you to feel, because this is how I was feeling when I played this." This piece is a Metallica solo. Sounds cool as fuck, and to the writer there maybe something behind it, but when I'm done I've got nothing out of it. I didn't latch onto this at all. I didn't get sucked into the piece. I didn't live it with you. Your writing is terrific, it really is. Technically probably one of the top 4 on this site or that I've ever read, but until I start to really feel your pieces they aren't going to be as memorable as they should be. I don't know what it is that needs to change, if anything (it could be just me), but as it stands when I'm done reading your pieces I just feel like there is soo much more potential that isn't being tapped because your pieces float above me instead of allowing me to see what they are seeing.

Hope that all makes sense. If not, you know the drill.

I also put another one up. I'm sure I owe you, but your opinions are always greatly appreciated.

-zC
#10
thank you SYK and Zach for the in-depth's. i'll make sure to show the same respect when getting to your pieces.

and Zach, i really appreciate your thoughts after the crit. i definitely see where you're coming from, and am going to work very tediously on that matter.

thanks again.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
Sounds a bit Jim Morrison meet Morrissey. I like it. But please tell me these lyrics are from your heart and not just a try at being deep and pretentious.
#12
Hey,

Sorry for a second post, but I finally put my finger at least one of the reasons for feeling as I do about your work. It's the tone. I was thinking long and hard today (I was bored at work ) about this. If I may extend my "metal band solo" metaphor: they all hit on one level. It's like listening to a band that ALWAYS plays fast, as hard as they can, as loud as they can. Your pieces sometimes lack the dynamics in tone that would make the piece more of a ride. They tend to be fast and hard hitting... but they are monotone like that. They're always racing to the finish. You're flow is spectacular, it truly is, but its always at full-speed. I think if you can learn to keep that flow and manage to slow it down and use the dynamics of the read better it will make it seem more emotional. For me, it could become like a blues solo, it still flows like hot butter, but the silence is just as important as the crescendo... it all works together. I think that's what I'd like to see, more slow parts, more parts where the pause means something, ya know?

Again, PM if that doesn't make sense.

-zC
#14
Quote by ottoavist
grove.


rhythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
ballet is intuition.
so keen
to keep position
on my listen.
a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.

Flows and soars like nothing I've ever read.

"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."

Lovely change of feeling here as it becomes more fairytale like and a little more ambigious; Wonderful!

i stand holding an
umbrella in a breeze-way.
she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
i stayed until the
morning star
took the candle light away,
and fell into a puddle of
my soul as
she danced for more rain.

"She's fading my intelligence to wilderness; the child plays." - An absolutely gorgeous line.

one of the most personal things i've ever written(posted).
c4c.


As ever, this was an sincere joy to read. The best thing I have EVER read on UG, without a doubt. One of those pieces that is sogood, you don't even dare be jealous of it and envy the position and prominence that writing something like this can lend to someone.
A true triumphant piece of literay genius.
#15
AngryGoldfish, i'm so happy that you liked it as well as you did. i'll be sure to get to yours.

Zach and Synth(Dylan?), you guys have offered more insight in your crits on this than i've ever received before. thank you very much.(i know you both have posts out, i'll be getting to them shortly.)
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
Quote by radiocure
and how sing-songy it is.


what the fuck does that even mean? it's not a song.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#19
I disagree with Zach and with the sing-songy guy girl. You know what I think.


EDIT: Sorry, Anna. Kent, read PM. Pl0x.
Last edited by phantom1 at Jun 19, 2008,
#22
meh, it's cool man. if you'd just like to pay it forward to next one, i'd appreciate it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#25
I avoided critting this until now because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say, but I'll give it a go.


rhythm prism.
a Juilliard ambition.
raising her fists
to a fire
she put in remission.
ballet is intuition.
so keen
to keep position
on my listen.
a candle lights
my Mona Lisa;
she glistens of
mystery
and mere wishes.

The last three lines I didn't feel as strongly as the rest.
Up until here the words washed over me and I was able to
understand and relate (for some odd reason) without having
to think about it. Hard to explain so I won't really try.
Beautiful first stanza.


"I want to dance for you...
without music.
I'd just love to be your
music baby; only this time, though."

This quote really speaks out loud, I can literally
hear what it sounds like, as if it were being said right now.


i stand holding an
holding seems like a weak image here, comparatively at least.
umbrella in a breeze-way.
she's fading my
intelligence to
wilderness; the child plays.
I really wanted to read this like this:
she's fading
my intelligence to wilderness;
the child plays.

I'm nitpicking now I guess, I was just digging the flow
in the first stanza and am a little disappointed that it's
not quite as solid here.

i stayed until the
morning star
I think this would work a lot better for me without the word star.
It's too harsh of a transition for such a delicate piece. morning
alone would be much more subtle an image.

took the candle light away,
and fell into a puddle of
my soul as
she danced for more rain.

It regains that flow in the last few lines, very elegant.



Well there it is. I'm probably being overly picky because this is such a great piece it's hard to give constructive criticism - it took me many reads to be able to give as much as I did. I think this may be the best, or at least in the top three best pieces I've seen on this site (and I don't say that more than twice a day). Very nice job on this one Kent.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#26
thank you Jake, i appreciate your time and comments on this man. very much.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#28
For some reason, I think "rhythm prism" is out of place for the first line. The rest of your song is pretty intimate, if you will. And I don't feel that in the phrase "rhythm prism". It seems so abrupt, and emotionally, I take nothing from it. It's an original phrase, I'll give you that. I think you strive to use short phrases to with a larger vocabulary to illustrate a message. And while that's very unique, it often distracts me. But you have a brilliant sense of originality. I especially the second little stanza thingy.
#29
i agree entirely with zach, though my thoughts concern this piece alone - i don't believe it's a problem that's being carried through all of your works, rather, that this piece highlighted such a difficulty (if there is one) and, well, became "a problem" rather than just perhaps a certain level of detatchment that isn't necessarily detracting from the poems you write.

i think that you need to do exactly the opposite of what dylan suggested, and write some pieces with absolutely no concern for rhythm and flow.
well,
not even pieces - just writings, rapid spontaneous prose and swift heartfelt verses down onto some kind of material and benefit enormously from the disregard of the flow (which you have mastered, but appears to be detracting from the personality entirely).

once you have began to explore the freedom i believe it's much more likely you will "catch" me and zach and Dr. Rackles Manly with such manic ease that i will rain.

You will never have a problem with the rhythm or flow, but you have got a problem in engaging your reader - so disregard your flow, engage the reader, and then reingage the flow. That is my advice. Ignore it as you see fit
(often that is detrimental in order to benefit from advice)
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 20, 2008,
#30
thanks to everyone for their time spent on this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.