#1
A song I wrote about a girl I work with whose boyfriend was being abusive. I've always had a crush on her and now that they are broken up I don't really know how to express my feelings so I wrote this just to express how I'm feeling.


I was there just yesterday
Just trying to get through this
She lifted up her sleeve
And showed me her bruises
My heart was racing, mind was pacing
Full of confusion
If he really loved her
Then why would he do this?

Why does she care so much for him, instead of a guy like me?

Light the candle
Just like a can of gasoline
We could give it a try for old times sake
If ya know what I mean
You liked me but I loved her
Now I like you but you love him
But I can see that you’re finally learning

How much you deserve to be with a guy like me

Now there’s only one thing left
That we’ve got to deal with
How long do you think it will take
For your heart to heal?
And what do you think of me?
Now that you’re back on the market
Or so to speak

I mean, what you really need is a guy like me

Just let me hold you
Right here in my arms
Don’t worry about a thing
Baby don’t be alarmed
Won’t you just mold me
And make me who I am?
If there’s one promise I’ll make
Baby I’ll be damned

If you’re not happy as can be with a guy like me
Last edited by Mlnwd at Jun 16, 2008,
#3
thats really good dude, well done
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#4
Quote by Pageles
meh
too much "i mean"


Yeah I don't like that myself, I'm going to go back and change it when I have time, but I just had to write something so this pretty much just came out.
#5
A song I wrote about a girl I work with whose boyfriend was being abusive. I've always had a crush on her and now that they are broken up I don't really know how to express my feelings so I wrote this just to express how I'm feeling. no one likes someone abusive


I was there just yesterday
Just trying to get through this
She lifted up her sleeve
And showed me her bruises
My heart was racing, mind was pacing
Full of confusion
If he really loved her
Then why would he do this?
like the internal rhyme in line 4

Why does she care so much for him, instead of a guy like me?

Light the candle
Just like a can of gasoline
We could give it a try for old times sake
If ya know what I mean
You liked me but I loved her
Now I like you but you love him
But I can see that you’re finally learning
nothin to say

How much you deserve to be with a guy like me

Now there’s only one thing left
That we’ve got to deal with
How long do you think it will take
For your heart to heal?
And what do you think of me?
Now that you’re back on the market
Or so to speak, if ya know what I mean
ok if ya know what i mean definatly dosnt work as well here cuz so to speak means the samething

I mean, what you really need is a guy like me


Just let me hold you
Right here in my arms
Don’t worry about a thing
Baby don’t be alarmed
Won’t you just mold me
And make me who I am?
If there’s one promise I’ll make
Baby I’ll be damned
is is suposed to see mold or hold?

If you’re not happy as can be with a guy like me

really good man i like it
c4c?
edit: k done now
Despite what you've been told, I once had a soul
Last edited by theunseen13 at Jun 17, 2008,
#6
Quote by Mlnwd

I was there just yesterday
Just trying to get through this
I don't like the repetition of just here.. You could drop it out of both and it would work, or drop it out of either one and it would work.
She lifted up her sleeve
And showed me her bruises
My heart was racing, mind was pacing
Full of confusion
If he really loved her
Then why would he do this?

Why does she care so much for him, instead of a guy like me?

Light the candle
Just like a can of gasoline
We could give it a try for old times sake
If ya know what I mean
You liked me but I loved her
Now I like you but you love him
But I can see that you’re finally learning

How much you deserve to be with a guy like me
I'm not sure how well "Just like a can of gasoline" works here. It isn't necessary, and doesn't do anything really... Other than that, up to here is nice.

Now there’s only one thing left
That we’ve got to deal with
How long do you think it will take
For your heart to heal?
And what do you think of me?
Now that you’re back on the market
Or so to speakI chuckled at the last three lines... It sort of killed the whole "I'm sorry, I love you and am here for you." mood. If you plan on playing/singing/giving this to her, I'd take that out. But that's me.

I mean, what you really need is a guy like me

Just let me hold you
Right here in my arms
Don’t worry about a thing
Baby don’t be alarmed No one likes a forced rhyme. This line doesn't do anything for me. I'd drop it. What does she have to be alarmed about anyway?
Won’t you just mold me
And make me who I am?
If there’s one promise I’ll make
Baby I’ll be damned

If you’re not happy as can be with a guy like me


The ending was very nice as well.

Good job. I'm not sure what type of music would go with this though. That might've helped along the mood some, but I couldn't imagine what would be behind it.
#7
I disagree with Garb a little here - no offence intended. The line "Just like a can of gasoline" I find contrasts well with the previous line and in doing so emphasises the violence in the previous relationship. It also provides a comparison of the two men (the songwriter and the previous boyfriend) with one lighting candles for the girl, the other causing destruction. It shows the change of circumstance that seems to be the theme of this verse ("you're finally learning")

I also thought the "back on the market" line made quite a clever suggestion (whether intentional or not) about the state of mind of the girl. More specifically it highlighted, for me, the self-esteem issues that are all to often a major factor in abusive relationships. This is why I liked it.

Other than that I agree with pretty much everything else that has been said. I really liked the piece, I thought it tackled a difficult issue well - it was accessible without being generic.
#8
Quote by Mlnwd
A song I wrote about a girl I work with whose boyfriend was being abusive. I've always had a crush on her and now that they are broken up I don't really know how to express my feelings so I wrote this just to express how I'm feeling.


I was there just yesterday
Just trying to get through this
She lifted up her sleeve
And showed me her bruises
My heart was racing, mind was pacing
Full of confusion
If he really loved her
Then why would he do this?
Nice opening. I can hear rhythm to it. Nothing to complain about.
Why does she care so much for him, instead of a guy like me?

Light the candle
Just like a can of gasoline
We could give it a try for old times sake
If ya know what I mean
You liked me but I loved her
Now I like you but you love him
But I can see that you’re finally learning
I like the "can of gasoline" reference, gives a good contrast between you and him. The fifth and sixth lines confuse me a little. Who is "her"? is "her" the same as "you?"
How much you deserve to be with a guy like me

Now there’s only one thing left
That we’ve got to deal with
How long do you think it will take
For your heart to heal?
And what do you think of me?
Now that you’re back on the market
Or so to speak
I love this except for "back on the market." It seems to long.
I mean, what you really need is a guy like me

Just let me hold you
Right here in my arms
Don’t worry about a thing
Baby don’t be alarmed
Won’t you just mold me
And make me who I am?
If there’s one promise I’ll make
Baby I’ll be damned
"Don't be alarmed" isn't doing anything for me. Why would you want her to mold you into what you are? That wouldn't be any change. The ending line is awesome though.
If you’re not happy as can be with a guy like me
Overall, I love this. I wrote a similar one a while back. Just a few small changes and you've got a solid piece.


The link to mine is in my sig.
#9
Thanks to everybody for the kind words and advice. The adress a few things, the "can of gasoline" refers to her ex bf lighting her backyard on fire by throwing a can of gasoline in her fire pit (true story). "Back on the market" refers to the fact that we work in a supermarket lol. The refrence to "you liked me but I loved her" refers to my ex girlfriend that I was infatuated with when I first met the girl with the abusive girlfriend. Anyway, hope that helps ya understand what I was feeling. Thanks again. And to anyone who left a link I will be sure to look at them this afternoon.