#1
Love


like the daisy,
staring up at the
sunflower in
awe, its

little
yellow centre
yearning to

stretch

for more.


C4C.
#4
hmmm, Jamie...
Do you enjoy long, naked walks on the beach also?
just playing.

i'm liking this little "series" of yours so far...
i paid more attention to the line breaks this time...they kind of embody the poem with a more physical notice; which is cool.
...yeah, i'm liking this.
but, as the poem so well states at the end;
i'm stretching for more.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
A lovely little piece.
As you can probably tell, more would be nice.
"Sing a new song, wouldya?!?" you say?

Oh, and I love the daisy staring up in awe . It's my favourite metaphor today :P
C4C? If so, check out el sig.
#8
Quote by Guitarfreak777
That this said, EXCEPT for dad at first...lol


Quite.

Thankyou for your comments.

Kent; I'm using these to build up to something better, hopefully. Thanks.

I'll get back to you all tommorow, after France vs Italy probably.
#9
Sorry about being stupid in your other excerpt from "Love". I thought it was complete and you were just posting a part of it.... basicaly I thought there was a place where one could read the "whole thing".

Anyway about this excerpt. Unfortunately I don't get anything out of it other than a good feeling and a way to describe love for a father. But I guess that's not too bad now, is it? I don't see any deeper meaning if there is any. This is either amazingly complex or amazingly simple but either way I like it alot.
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 16, 2008,
#10
I always enjoy short reads like this, and you do a great job with it. I'm not as impressed with the line breaks this time though, they just don't seem to work with the poem as well as they did in the previous. I do like the metaphor of you looking up to your dad, did you give him this for Father's Day?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
when I read this in your blog, i was of mixed emotions.
i liked the continuity of stress,
but felt it should breathe a little at the end.
Splitting little off on it's own was another suggestion I had,
although that pales in comparison to what you did with the end.

Replacing flourish with for more is perfect.
Instead of just moving and to the last line,
this ends on a cleaner iamb,
and puts added focus on stretch.
Brilliant.
Meadows
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I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12
Thanks SYK, I think the changes benefited it too from when I posted it on my blog. I revised it an hour or so before posting and again in the new thread box, and felt I got it reading exactly how I wanted it to. That and I got in the rhyme as well sewed it all up for me, really.

0-52; probably more simple than deep lol. Thanks.

Jake (I think?); No I didn't, just felt like good idea for this little thing. Another type of love. I think the line breaks and stresses give the pieve everything; ah well, can't pleas 'em all lol.

I'll try and get back to everyone soon.