#1
About as much as I can write in one stretch, largely inspired by Desolation Row. Syllables etc. are not a problem, as I've tried it against the tune I've written, and it all works

Critique always welcome, and C4C is a wonderful thing .

-

Capital Street

Come on in, and choose a
Spot along the table.
There's plenty here to go round.
Billy-Ray is gonna
Tell us all a fable;
He's gonna speak without sound.
I can't tell where you're going.
Or how well you keep a beat.
We hear an old river flowing,
Out from Capital Street.

A homeless mime is
Afraid to leave the circle;
She sits and tells a tale from her box.
A passing crowd of
Ministers and nobles.
They throw her down, and use their locks.
She hears the children laughing;
She struggles to her feet.
She knows there's nothing here for her,
On Capital Street.

A writer on the corner, making
Words with no meaning.
Drowning in a world that don't care.
He sits there and weeps, while his
Wife does the cleaning.
Until the old broom needs repair.
She won't ask any questions,
He doesn't have words to meet.
He needs a long vacation,
From Capital Street.

The dancer and the lion are
Moving on a dustpan.
But all the worlds passes by.
The juggler and the parrot that
Sings like a blues man,
Are left to wallow in the sty.
I don't know why they're staying;
They recline and warm their seats.
Don't they know, there's nothing here,
On Capital Street.

Doctor Frank in his
Mid-life crisis.
Watching his world go to hell.
Then he screams and tips
Over his utensils;
"Gotta go, so long, farewell."
He runs down the hallway,
It's painted in layers of peat.
He knows a place where he can stay,
Called Capital Street.

Little Joe is a
Terror in the school-yard.
Stolen change from the canteen.
Mrs Smith doesn't
Think much of his mother.
His daddy's nowhere to be seen.
The school needs that money,
So Joey takes the heat.
And Mrs Smith bought a brand new dress,
From Capital Street.

Serenades and a
Tune for Armageddon.
Try to give a kiss goodbye.
Look around, and notice
All the things you're gettin'.
Such a shame that you should die.
Nothing here but reminders;
Nothing here is discrete.
Everything is getting me down,
Here on Capital Street.

-

Thanks
Last edited by Nuttfish at Jun 17, 2008,
#2
wow that was really good. fun to read out loud, actually. i liked how every stanza ended with capital street.

the only thing i can think of is that you have a really good rhyme scheme going there, but in some places the rhyme doesnt happen. once where circle and noble dont rhyme right, and once more somewhere else that i dont remember. but maybe im just looking at it wrong

either way, that was really good. sorry im not much of a critique-r