#1
C4C
post your piece's link to be critted.

i think this is very cliche for me.
i dont know.
it just came to me lats night and i wrote it down.

crit.

EDIT:Changed a line in the 4th stanza
credit due to O-52-A-50-R

------------------------------------
I remember is like a dream....
a memory....
distant.
fading away over time..

I remember watching nature die,
watching it's beauty leave the world

I remember watching the ocean...
watching the marine life jumping out the water.
trying to touch the sky...
wanting something more than the surface to be the limit,

I remembered the birds,
and how it would feel to be free like them
never to be held back from seeing the world,

I remember it like a dream,
the vision foggy and vague
but the intention clear and simple.
Last edited by iamdisturbed at Jun 17, 2008,
#2
I remember is like a dream....
a memory....
distant.
fading away over time..

Effervescent and magic; great start.


I remember watching nature die,
watching it's beauty leave the world

Can't complain.


I remember watching the ocean...
watching the marine life jumping out the water.
trying to touch the sky...
wanting something more than the surface to be the limit,

Upon first read, I didn't care much for the "marine life" line, but I kinda get it now. Still, I'd replace those two words.

I remembered the birds,
and how it would be to be free like them,
never to be held back from seeing the world,

Sounds good.

I remember it like a dream,
the vision foggy and vague
but the intention clear and simple.

And ends with a lovely verbal downstroke.

Not much to criticise here, it's pretty great as it is. Nice work!

C4C? If so, try the first one in my sig . Or indeed, any of them.
#4
Quote by iamdisturbed
C4C
post your piece's link to be critted.

i think this is very cliche for me.
i dont know.
it just came to me lats night and i wrote it down.

crit.
------------------------------------
I remember is like a dream....
a memory....
distant.
fading away over time..
is is in the first line soposed to be it? like the pauses

I remember watching nature die,
watching it's beauty leave the world


I remember watching the ocean...
watching the marine life jumping out the water.
trying to touch the sky...
wanting something more than the surface to be the limit,
like the message its sending

I remembered the birds,
and how it would be to be free like them,
never to be held back from seeing the world,


I remember it like a dream,
the vision foggy and vague
but the intention clear and simple.


wow kinda deep words
but i like it and theres not much you can do to make it better in my opinion
hey check out my song can't remember for me(ironic isnt it)
Despite what you've been told, I once had a soul
#5
Quote by iamdisturbed
C4C
post your piece's link to be critted.

i think this is very cliche for me.
i dont know.
it just came to me lats night and i wrote it down.

crit.
------------------------------------
I remember is like a dream....
a memory....
distant.
fading away over time..
That doesn't make sense to me... "I remember is like a dream" unless it's supposed to be "I remember it like a dream", in which case I like it alot. It's calming.

I remember watching nature die,
watching it's beauty leave the world
K.

I remember watching the ocean...
watching the marine life jumping out the water.
trying to touch the sky...
wanting something more than the surface to be the limit,
Maybe, "Watching the nautical souls break the tension". That might be a little extreme but I think you should at least change "marine". But again, it's calming and nice.

I remembered the birds,
and how it would be to be free like them,
never to be held back from seeing the world,
I don't like the repeated "be's" in line 2 unless that's what you were going for. Maybe" and how it would feel to be free like them"

I remember it like a dream,
the vision foggy and vague
but the intention clear and simple.
That's really good, I don't know how to explain it but its very genuine.


I don't think it's cliche at all. I like it alot, great work!

(Sig)
Last edited by O-52-A-50-R at Jun 17, 2008,
#6
returned crits.

thanks guys.
i think i did a well job on this peace.

O-52-A-50-R
your line for the birds is excellent.
i will use that instead of mine.
i thank you much