#1
as you shattered the glass that kept me away,
your screams mean nothing,
did you ever take the time to say we're not alright,
feeding me those filth of plaugues you call the truth,
now i'm getting back at you, now i'm getting back at you,
to say,

your the not sweat that kept me up at night,
your not the memories that mad me cry,
it's the thought of me with you so hollow,
so keep your eyes closed this is one last fight,

i can't explain this,
i could tell you you were right,
but then your happy and that doesn't make my night,
you held the dagger that inflicted all these lies,
so here's the ending with no bow to say goodnight,
#2
Quote by lambofgodfold
as you shattered the glass that kept me away,
your screams mean nothing,
did you ever take the time to say we're not alright,
feeding me those filth of plaugues you call the truth,
now i'm getting back at you, now i'm getting back at you,
to say,

The first stanza was really good, kept me going on. I especially like the fouth line

your the not sweat that kept me up at night,
your not the memories that mad me cry,
it's the thought of me with you so hollow,
so keep your eyes closed this is one last fight,

And this one fell flat. I thought the first stanza was quite original, but this one is too cliched. And you're trying to say "you're" not "your" and "made" not "mad", this may have been something you missed idk, but fix it.

i can't explain this,
i could tell you you were right,
but then your happy and that doesn't make my night,
you held the dagger that inflicted all these lies,
so here's the ending with no bow to say goodnight,

The first three lines were also cliched and broke the flow, but to compensate, the last two lines were rather good, especially the last one. I really liked that.


Overall, I think you need to work your ideas better. I believe you wanted to write something, so you ran and wrote, but your best ideas only gave for six lives, and intead of rethinking it, you rushed things up, and it ended up kind of cliched, and in some way equal to many songs we hear. I feel your potential, my advice is to organize your ideas better.

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