#1
As our blackwood stiles raise a small step further
To stop these sheep and cattle from mutilating our field
I take my ho' and till our shared domain with sex
The plant feed; your moans. The seeds; my own.

I shall tend this growing pasture, the livestock.
It shall thrive in our fields sown of pestulance
And drink from our wells of deceit and decadence
Such weeds and stagnance, can give life to all

So having milked our cows 'others'
And shown our sheeps 'confidence'
I will curdle the milk and then drench it over fleece
I shall then run it in our fields, hang it up to dry

Sit beside you on the porch, grinning, holding breaths
“Your turn, my Girl, but only once you're dressed”
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
Last edited by Auals at Aug 1, 2008,
#2
Apart from the second stanza - which was nothing special and basically just reiterated what you had already metioned - this was brilliant.

- "I take my ho' and till our shared domain with sex
The plant feed; your moans. The seeds; my own." - This stuck out to me.

- "So having milked our cows 'others'
And shown our sheeps 'confidence'" - as did this; it contained glorious word plays.

A triumphant ending as well. I don't feel like I can add much, maybe a better second verse. But then again, what does one do to actually accomplish that task? It just seems tacked in there when maybe it has no real relevance.
The way you continued with a similar analogy throughout was quite an achievement, I personally find that very difficult to successfully do. I always seem to fall from the path.

I have only just noticed your stuff, and after glancing over them, I choose to comment on this one for a start, so of course I read it in detail; it struck me quite plainly.
The title is great: I love when a writer is not afraid to explain the whole thing in one simple three letter - or so- sentence or statement; It shows bravery and confidence in your works controlled ambiguity.

There isn't a lot more I can say in a way of improvement except one thing - just a personal note - the farm yard theme is a little overly prevelant. Just a little, and I'm being very picky there.

Digitally Clean
#3
Wow, thanks man.

The Farmyard theme is me being a bitch... my ex and I had a massive fight one day and I called her "farmgirl".

That's where i got the idea for it from, but that was a few years ago now.

Cheers man. I will work on that middle verse. It seems like a nothing verse, but it explains what is grown in the fields not just what they're grown from. So with the idea of the "fleece" being dragged through it, you realise what the heroine must adorn later on.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."