#1
It's very blunt... I don't really like it. I'd really like someone to tear this one apart and help me fix it. c4c


I breached the womb and
gazed upon my mother.
She had donned a tin-foil cap
and was talking into a CB radio,
to friends she didn't have
about the alien invasion that
would never happen.

She'd taken the acid.
I'd taken the trip.

She cried about how she wasn't ready
and how breakfast-in-bed had failed to
stop me from coming.
I cried about how her coat hanger solutions
had stopped her from baking a cookie and simply
made me into a scrambled egg.
#3
I breached the womb and
gazed upon my mother.
this is a mixture of texture.
you could make this more elegant by dropping my.
but i'd go the other way and make this more common.
replace gazed upon with looked at, or something equally simple.

She had donned a tin-foil cap
had donned would be fine, if the thought ended here.
but this thing goes on.
i don't know the exact name for this flavor of past tense,
but it feels slightly different from what follows.
you might just start this line with a simple verb, like wearing,
extending this from the first line.
and just begin the next in a similar fashion with talking.
leave out the conjunctions. let it connect on its own.

and was talking into a CB radio,
to friends she didn't have
about the alien invasion that
you could replace the with a.
potayto, potahto.

would never happen.

She'd taken the acid.
I'd taken the trip.
too short.
commands attention.
expand this section, and weave the concept suBtly
into something of more size.
perhaps she traveled to get the acid,
but you were the one who took the trip.
i dunno, just searching for something here.
this will take some effort.
but imho, this is the biggest fence holding the piece back.


She cried about how she wasn't ready
comma & line-break after cried and drop about?
and how breakfast-in-bed had failed to
drop and?
stop me from coming.
prevent my arrival would sound so clean.
but it will be a bit messy to maintain the continuity you had with stop, later.

I cried about how her coat hanger solutions
had stopped her from baking a cookie and simply
made me into a scrambled egg.
could you live with this line as:
scrambled the egg.


dunno if any of that helps. i like it well enough as-is, save the exposed middle.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 17, 2008,
#4
over all i liked it
but the first stanza didnt catch my attention
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#5
at the risk of sounding completely uncoinidental; i felt this. hard. it's like somebody put a kitanna in my belly and started twisting. the last 3 lines fucking messed with me. seriously. i'll be back to edit-in my crit.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
i didn't care about either of the characters. i felt no emotion - purely because you expressed none. it's all very matter-of-fact and i don't care for the tone at all. matter-of-fact can work wonders on occasion; i think probably when there's additional doses of emotion and feeling. there's also a lack of depth to the characters - you don't build on the alien invasion idea, or your mother's eccentricity, or whatever her defining features may be. elaborate!

i would also totally re-work the line-breaks. drop the 'and' in line1 to line2: this would read more naturally. similarly, drop the 'that' in line6 to the next. you may not agree one bit on these suggestions so i won't waste further time going through the piece with similar ones.

the title is magic. i was hoping for more from the piece to be honest.
#7
Actually Sam, I'd love for you to come back through and edit in solutions. There's idea lying under this piece that I really want to hit. I really, to be honest, love the idea behind it. I want it to impact. I'm going to re-work this one til it really hits, so any suggestions would be wonderful. Specifically with line breaks as I suck ass at them.

Kent, as you can probably tell from my aside to Sam, I really want this one to hit home... so I'm really glad it did. Look forward to more.

SYK: Thanks. You know I'm planning on getting those in there in a while, to busy as it is.

BigBirdFan: Thanks. And yeah, I'm attempting to re-work it all to make it more in your face.

HappyBluegill: Thanks mate. all comments are greatly appreciated.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
It's very blunt... I don't really like it. I'd really like someone to tear this one apart and help me fix it. c4c


I know I can't crit this piece as indepthly as SYK, or others can, but I can try!

I breached the womb and
gazed upon my mother.
She had donned a tin-foil cap
and was talking into a CB radio,
to friends she didn't have
about the alien invasion that
would never happen.

"Gazed" feels slightly brutal and harsh for a word that is supposed to diginify arriving into this world from somewhere as delicate as your mothers womb. I don't know what could replace it though. But then again, it does kinda suit the radio idea and the spacyness'. The letter 'Z' has a very spacey vibe to it. I like the simlicity of the last three lines in this stanza. I think you should stick with that simpler route, in this verse anyway. Although a more complicated ending of this would maybe reinforce your complex theory and theme. The complexities of someone's mind that is.

She'd taken the acid.
I'd taken the trip.

Can't fault it or change it really. I guess it could be better, but I'm the opposite to a perfectionist when it comes to quirky lines like this.

She cried about how she wasn't ready
and how breakfast-in-bed had failed to
stop me from coming.
I cried about how her coat hanger solutions
had stopped her from baking a cookie and simply
made me into a scrambled egg.


The repitition of the term "cry" is well worth leaving in. I love the way you transcribed this into a very homely piece at the end; Almost as if you have been on a trip to space and back down to the simplicist form of living...scrambled eggs. You should stick with that idea for sure I reckon. I don't know what else you could change or keep, I just can't think of anything else. I'm never able to delve that deeply into lyrics, as much I love reading and writing them. The complex variations words can take seem to be beyond me. At least at this point in my writing career.

I love the theme as well as yourself. I think there is certainly strong emotion and humour to be derived from this.
#9
sorry bout the double post.

i had to take a minute to think about this after reading samoo's post. he's right in a sense; the characters do not show hardly any emotion, if any, at all. so, i had to constrast the reasons why.

why wouldn't they? why should they have to?

i came to the conclusion that, personally, if you would've doused this with emotional frenzy, i'd hate it.
the way i see it; it's an attack on the mother. this narsisistic drug skank who gets pregnant and ends up with a miscarriage that she's blaming on everyone but the faulty.
Zach, usually your poems(offering this kind of cynical attitude) i can see having the option of being wrote another way; but, you make them enjoyable to read - giving words a personality.
this piece however; i really don't think could be wrote in any other attitude, perspective, tone, etc. any emotion would've been excess baggage that could cause confusion in the viewers eyes. it's not about seeing it from the mother's, or the unborn child's eyes. it's the sheer anger that you get from watching this individual's utter atrophy and destruction of their own-self.
IMHO.

i loved this.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 19, 2008,
#10
Quote by ZanasCross
It's very blunt... I don't really like it. I'd really like someone to tear this one apart and help me fix it. c4c


I breached the womb and
gazed upon my mother.
She had donned a tin-foil cap
and was talking into a CB radio,
to friends she didn't have
about the alien invasion that
would never happen.

I think the line breaks threw me off a bit but I did enjoy it as a whole.

She'd taken the acid.
I'd taken the trip.

I loved the idea of this but I felt that another line or two could have been added.

She cried about how she wasn't ready
and how breakfast-in-bed had failed to
stop me from coming.
Disliked the line breaks here again.
I cried about how her coat hanger solutions
had stopped her from baking a cookie and simply
made me into a scrambled egg.
Obscure in a good way.


Overall I enjoyed this, It's one of your best. Nicely done.
#11
Thanks for the crit. I really appreciate it. I felt the first stanza could be expanded on. However, I did enjoy the dry tone of this piece. It had an "eff that bitch" attitude. (At least that how I read it). I really liked the last stanza. I thought it was pretty poweful and I thought the breakfast metaphor was clever. Anyways, ncie job, man.