#1
piping hot and fresh. christ knows this could use work, so crit as harshly as youd like, so long as it stays constructive


we're all out of road
climb onto the rooftop
theres's bones beneath the floorboards
and ghosts in the rafters
i kept a map to find a note
i wrote myself as a little boy
it said i was a failure
and my lover would betray me
but i wrote the words wrong
to a man who didnt care
let the sun and the moon
fight their petty days away
and hate bittery the things
the turn of tide decays
i burned that old notebook
and held my palms to the sky
to catch all the stormclouds
sink into them with my fingernails
that boy is a dead man
he had no rebirth
flayed and left bare
by heaven and earth
i left my children
to devour themselves
in umbilical nooses
of their mothers despair
but this wife is that boy
and that man is a shell
these thoughts are written
to never be felt


C4C as always, space cadets
~b
#2
piping hot and fresh. christ knows this could use work, so crit as harshly as youd like, so long as it stays constructive


we're all out of road
climb onto the rooftop
theres's bones beneath the floorboards
and ghosts in the rafters
i kept a map to find a note
i wrote myself as a little boy
it said i was a failure
and my lover would betray me Seems to ruin the rhythm a bit
but i wrote the words wrong
to a man who didnt care
let the sun and the moon
fight their petty days away
and hate bittery the things
the turn of tide decays
i burned that old notebook
and held my palms to the skyAnd here
to catch all the stormclouds
sink into them with my fingernails
that boy is a dead man
he had no rebirth
flayed and left bare
by heaven and earth
i left my children
to devour themselves
in umbilical nooses
of their mothers despair
but this wife is that boy
and that man is a shell
these thoughts are written
to never be felt [I]If you ended on a rhyme here (with shell) I think it would really add impact to the end, might make it a bit different


C4C as always, space cadets
~b

I like this, really thnk it has potential. Nothing major needs to be done to it just needs a bit of tidying up in a few places (see quote). Really good work!
#4
It kinda went from depressive/eerie to dark, but I liked it.
Near the beginning sort of visualized the lyrics playing out, but it got a little blurry near the middle, sort of off track a bit.
'and held my palms to the sky
to catch all the stormclouds
sink into them with my fingernails'
I disagree with Chordmonger (no offense), but the first line here keeps the flow, and the third one kills it.
But I guess it's how you read it, right?
#7
first of all: very well done. great imagery and analogies. i can visually the entire thing.


we're all out of road
climb onto the rooftop
theres's bones beneath the floorboards
and ghosts in the rafters
i kept a map to find a note
i wrote myself as a little boy
it said i was a failure
these three lines caught my eye
and my lover would betray me
but i wrote the words wrong
to a man who didnt care
let the sun and the moon
fight their petty days away
awesome use of counterbalanced terms
and hate bittery the things
the turn of tide decays a bit out of context? sun, moon, tides?, buring notebook...
i burned that old notebook
and held my palms to the sky
to catch all the stormclouds
sink into them with my fingernails
that boy is a dead man
he had no rebirth
flayed and left bare
by heaven and earth
i left my children
to devour themselves
in umbilical nooses
of their mothers despair
but this wife is that boy
and that man is a shell this line accompanied by....
these thoughts are written
to never be felt. this line....kind of have a quirky rhyme. just something to note.


overall: great job! has a nice flowing feel. no significant lapses. maybe cut or add a word where syllabic parallels would improve the flow.

its well...a sung story. i like it.