#1
Everybody's got to
Be pick'n on me
Nobody wants to
See what i see

I just wanted to
Be free
And not stiffened
Up like a tree

Society wants to
Be in control of me
But i can't see
Them torturing me


hope you like it or if anyone has anything to add to it
#2
Everybody's got to
Be pick'n on me
Nobody wants to
See what i see
Okay, admittedly, this is weak but works. You establish your subect matter, sorta', but if it were me, I may take more time to do so. I know that you're considering adding on to this, and it may be wise to start from the beginning. It isn't good to leave the audience asking questions. In this instance, I am wondering "What is it that s/he sees? Hmm?"

I just wanted to
Be free
And not stiffened
Up like a tree
You break out a simile here. It is good too because trees tend to be stiff and rooted. Not free. I would suggest changing wanted to want and stiffened to stiff so that each is in the present tense. And try to vary the rhymes. They sound the same as the first verse. This isn't a poor rap song, is it?

Society wants to
Be in control of me
But i can't see
Them torturing me
These last two lines, as far as I can tell, contradict the second verse. And try to vary the rhymes. They all sound the same, leaving little variety. I would suggest also, as you were thinking, to add more material. The problem with poetry and songs is that you want to get your message across with the fewest amount of words feasible. However, in doing this, you don't want to be vague either. Don't be vague.

I don't know if you're into C4C, but if so, I'm looking forward to having my "Ladder" piece evaluated. (pun not intended or desired, though acknowledged)
#3
Quote by hug_hes77
Everybody's got to
Be pick'n on me
Nobody wants to
See what i see
srry man but to dosnt rhyme with itself
I just wanted to
Be free
And not stiffened
Up like a tree
try to make it present tense like the last verse
Society wants to
Be in control of me
But i can't see
Them torturing me
me dosnt rhyme with itself either...plus you use to way to much


hope you like it or if anyone has anything to add to it


its good and i like the message and the simile in the middle but it needs a little work
Despite what you've been told, I once had a soul
#4
thanks i completely agree i just wrote it out in about 5 min. or so
i like what you guys had to say
it helps im new at writing songs and like the advice
mabey from this i will improve

thanks