#1
this song is about the separation between man and earth.

Can the sun shine through your blackened heart, floating away from the surface of the earth, hoping for destruction, yearning for hurt? Or are you too far from the light?

And when your feet didn’t touch the ground, I awed in dismay at your divulsion from the mire, silt, slime, and sludge that the planet around us bestowed us.

You treat the clay, dust, and ground we’ve labeled our home as something that’s never subsisted. Well tell me, then where do drink from, my friend?

So come on home
And see beauty in earth’s milieu.
The natural state of
What man should have been.
But we break and we raze
All the edicts she mentioned
With her silent growth
Of flowers in mud beds,
Of flowers that grow,
Of flowers that die,
Of flower that know
Everything about your life.
‘cause she’s coming now
She’s going to cleanse her own.
You’ll be wiped from the earth.
#2
Can the sun shine through your blackened heart, floating away from the surface of the earth, hoping for destruction, yearning for hurt? Or are you too far from the light?

And when your feet didn’t touch the ground, I awed in dismay at your divulsion from the mire, silt, slime, and sludge that the planet around us bestowed us.

You treat the clay, dust, and ground we’ve labeled our home as something that’s never subsisted. Well tell me, then where do drink from, my friend?
the context in which you used subsisted was uncomfortable.
we might gain sustenance from the clay, dust, and ground, but that isn't what was said. the final line points that way, but the line ending in subsisted points to "home".


So come on home
And see beauty in earth’s milieu.
The natural state of
What man should have been.
But we break and we raze
All the edicts she mentioned
edicts and mentioned
are at opposite ends of the spectrum
in terms of intensity.
they don't fit together.

With her silent growth
Of flowers in mud beds,
Of flowers that grow,
Of flowers that die,
Of flower that know
Everything about your life.
‘cause she’s coming now
She’s going to cleanse her own.
You’ll be wiped from the earth.
didn't enjoy the close.
She's going to sounds common/conversational
relative to the tone you previously set.
She will would be more simple and elegant in its directness.

the final line was judgmental and fixed.
no room for interpretation or imagination.
not a possibility, just "fact".
i'd be concerned that your audience will react to this
like they're listening to an evangelist on the radio
those who've already been "saved" will turn up the volume.
but for the vast majority ...

*click*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
hmm pretty good.
the beginning reminds me of Aiden's older stuff from Our Gang's Dark Oath

its good.
i like the way its written.
you did a good job decribing the way we are no different.

C4C on new?
#4
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew

the context in which you used subsisted was uncomfortable.
we might gain sustenance from the clay, dust, and ground, but that isn't what was said. the final line points that way, but the line ending in subsisted points to "home".

do you know what subsisted means?
sub·sist (səb-sĭst') Pronunciation Key
1.
1. To exist; be.

as in something real, as in something that exists.

the final line was judgmental and fixed.
no room for interpretation or imagination.
not a possibility, just "fact".
i'd be concerned that your audience will react to this
like they're listening to an evangelist on the radio
those who've already been "saved" will turn up the volume.
but for the vast majority ...

*click*
i'm not sure you even understand what i'm talking about in this song.
it's more about a specific person/group of people who take the earth for granted and muck it all up and are unappreciative and who just are arrogant in their own being.
i'm actually really happy with this song.

but if you have anything else,
tear me up.
#5
Quote by radiocure
do you know what subsisted means?
yes, i do. do you?
1.
a. To exist; be.
b. To remain or continue in existence.
2. To maintain life; live: subsisted on one meal a day.
3. To be logically conceivable.
v.tr.
To maintain or support with provisions.

when you use a more obscure word like subsisted, rather than a more commonly used word like existed, you imply the unique connotations of that word. or you're just "showing off" your vocabulary "skills".


Quote by radiocure
i'm not sure you even understand what i'm talking about in this song.
it's more about a specific person/group of people who take the earth for granted and muck it all up and are unappreciative and who just are arrogant in their own being.
oh, i understand all too well what you're talking about.

my point is, some writers hold up a mirror to reflect an image.
your final statement, instead, smashes the mirror on the head of the subject.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
yes, i do. do you?
1.
a. To exist; be.
b. To remain or continue in existence.
2. To maintain life; live: subsisted on one meal a day.
3. To be logically conceivable.
v.tr.
To maintain or support with provisions.

when you use a more obscure word like subsisted, rather than a more commonly used word like existed, you imply the unique connotations of that word. or you're just "showing off" your vocabulary "skills".


oh, i understand all too well what you're talking about.

my point is, some writers hold up a mirror to reflect an image.
your final statement, instead, smashes the mirror on the head of the subject.

i like the word subsisted.
jesus, man. lighten the **** up. seriously.
#7
Quote by radiocure
i like the word subsisted.
jesus, man. lighten the **** up. seriously.
at this point, it's just becoming argumentative.
either you got something from my opinion, or you didn't.


good luck, either way.
SYK
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
i'm going to agree with SYK. the more "ostentatious" vocabulary used in this piece could be quite unadaptable to a general audience. the reason being is the way that it's presented:

And when your feet didn’t touch the ground, I awed in dismay at your divulsion from the mire, silt, slime, and sludge that the planet around us bestowed us.


the latter part of this statement is presented in an almost medieval, scientific poetic tongue that causes opposition to it's preceeding half, which is presented in a recognizabley down-to-earth tone.
and that's pretty much the factor that effects this piece as a whole for the viewer in the rest of its entirety, IMHO.

my advice would be, to put yourself in the shoes of Joe Schmoe, and read it to yourself.(without a dictionary present)
no offense intended, just my two cents.

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=886305
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jun 18, 2008,
#9
Never critique someone's crit-- It discourages others from voicing their opinions, so you end up with less responses. Anyway, as SYK said, either you got something from it or you didn't.


Now, tbh, it feels like you just discovered thesaurus.com with the first half of this piece. Bigger words do not equate with a better piece. I think those above me touched on that well enough, though, so moving on;

I'm all for unconventional formatting, but I have to admit that this 'song' has me lost. The meter is often inconsistent, and you seem to rely on linebreaks more than lyrics should--in poetry, it's fine, but those subtleties aren't usually carried through when something's sung. Do you have music for this yet, though? That'd be really interesting to hear--could you give me a link if you put it up?

Overall, this seemed to try too hard. I got what you were saying, but you came off as trying to be profound rather than just being profound. Thanks for the read, though, it was of interest

All the best,
~Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#10
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
Never critique someone's crit-- It discourages others from voicing their opinions, so you end up with less responses. Anyway, as SYK said, either you got something from it or you didn't.


Now, tbh, it feels like you just discovered thesaurus.com with the first half of this piece. Bigger words do not equate with a better piece.

Do you have music for this yet, though? That'd be really interesting to hear--could you give me a link if you put it up?

Overall, this seemed to try too hard. I got what you were saying, but you came off as trying to be profound rather than just being profound. Thanks for the read, though, it was of interest

as for your first comment, the influence was joanna newsom, therefore, the words are just as abstract as she is. and i'm fine with that. and excuse me if i get a little pissed off when all someone has to say is that my word choice is bonzo. of course i get offended.

and i do have music to it. i'm playing it tomorrow, actually. i think. if i can get the guitar part down.

maybe if you could read it like i could read it, then you'd get it.
#11
Feels very pretentious and preachy; Its like your telling me, because I open my freezer to get ice cream out that I am a person of a black heart and you talk to me like a piece of dirt. Pun not intended. I know its not directed at a certain individual, and if it is, I know its not me, but nonetheless, your too forceful of your opinions here and I feel very put upon, no matter how correct they may be.
Anger is a helpful technique and apparition, its effective and simply put, good, but not all the time, control is not necessarily needed, but a subtle approach to that anger should be displayed no matter what you are doing in life.
Also, is divulsion a real word? Subsisted sucks as well.