#1
crit for crit, leave a link if you like.

This is a tongue-in-cheek retelling of Romeo and Juliet, as if their dads were Chicago mobsters instead of wealthy Italians :p

you can hear the guitar part (sans outro), along with another song's guitar part, here:
http://artists.ultimate-guitar.com/gcaband/

Necessary is a State of Mind (You're Awful, I Love You)

Intro
Our dad's are in some questionable trades,
and there's some bad blood between
your father and his ruthless ways,
and my dad and his ruthless schemes.
But I'll remember when we met, always...

Chorus
We were throwing bodies into the bay,
--the dancing sea, with cresting waves--
and I saw it in your eyes that day,
and written on your bloodstained face:

I would love you through all the trends,
and maybe our families would mend,
as we broke the hearts that would not bend.

Verse 1:
And for your birthday, late in June,
I got you something I hope you'll like:
a new pair of cement shoes,
I heard you lost yours in the dike.
Cool, so let's go get some food
and than maybe torch some motorbikes
Oh, you don't like truckers? Nor do I.

Chorus:
We pushed the trucks into the bay,
where it put out those dancing flames,
and I saw it in your eyes that day,
and written in your smoke-stained face:

you loved me through all the trends,
but my Montagues hated your Capulets,
as we broke the hearts that would not bend.


Verse 2:
As we sat beneath the Chicago sky,
and gazed at the cityscape;
you told me your dad thought I should die,
I told you mine thought we should take a break.
You said your dad already slipped me cyanide,
I said oh, well that's a shame.

Chorus:
You carried my body into the bay,
the dancing sea and cresting waves,
but I opened my eyes a bit too late;
you'd already shot yourself in the face.

Your dad's sense of humor is pretty odd,
since I guess the poison was a dud,
but now you're dead, and that's kind of messed up.

Outro:
My heart is broken out of love,
so I pour the bay into my lungs,
and in a while, since I choke a little,
this is done.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#2
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
crit for crit, leave a link if you like.

This is a tongue-in-cheek retelling of Romeo and Juliet, as if their dads were Chicago mobsters instead of wealthy Italians :p

you can hear the guitar part (sans outro), along with another song's guitar part, here:
http://artists.ultimate-guitar.com/gcaband/

Necessary is a State of Mind (You're Awful, I Love You)

Intro
Our dad's are in some questionable trades,
and there's some bad blood between
your father and his ruthless ways,
and my dad and his ruthless schemes.
But I'll remember when we met, always...
it'd sound better if you didn't repeat the word ruthless. find another adjective!

Chorus
We were throwing bodies into the bay,
--the dancing sea, with cresting waves--
and I saw it in your eyes that day,
and written on your bloodstained face:

I would love you through all the trends,
and maybe our families would mend,
as we broke the hearts that would not bend.
don't like the sing-songy-ness of this. through all the trends?

Verse 1:
And for your birthday, late in June,
I got you something I hope you'll like:
a new pair of cement shoes,
I heard you lost yours in the dike.
Cool, so let's go get some food
and than maybe torch some motorbikes
Oh, you don't like truckers? Nor do I.
i just don't like this verse.

Chorus:
We pushed the trucks into the bay,
where it put out those dancing flames,
and I saw it in your eyes that day,
and written in your smoke-stained face:

you loved me through all the trends,
but my Montagues hated your Capulets,
as we broke the hearts that would not bend.


Verse 2:
As we sat beneath the Chicago sky,
and gazed at the cityscape;
you told me your dad thought I should die,
I told you mine thought we should take a break.
You said your dad already slipped me cyanide,
I said oh, well that's a shame.
flow is funked up in the 4th line. and i don't like the 3rd line.

Chorus:
You carried my body into the bay,
the dancing sea and cresting waves,
but I opened my eyes a bit too late;
you'd already shot yourself in the face.

Your dad's sense of humor is pretty odd,
since I guess the poison was a dud,
but now you're dead, and that's kind of messed up.

Outro:
My heart is broken out of love,
so I pour the bay into my lungs,
and in a while, since I choke a little,
this is done.
don't like the outro...


hm. repetitive.
c4c? divulsion from clay.
#3
Ed,
tbh, i didn't even finish the read.
the first thing i noticed was the frequent use of and.
you've used it 15 times throughout. 4 times in first section alone.
there are times when it can be omitted and the link inplied.
others when a more suitable conjunction will add clarity to the meaning.
but sometimes and is perfect for the occasion.
i'd suggest reviewing your usage.
for instance, in the first section:
Our dad's are in some questionable trades,
and there's some bad blood between
your father and his ruthless ways,
and my dad and his ruthless schemes.
But I'll remember when we met, always...

in L2, and isn't necessary
in L3 and the second occurrence in L4, you could substitute with.
that links the fathers with their ruthless qualities,
without the slightest hint that it points back to between.
that leaves the singular occurrence of and at the beginning of L3
as an obvious indication of where the bad blood between exists.

two sections later, you use would on all three lines,
but in somewhat different locations:
I would love you through all the trends,
and maybe our families would mend,
as we broke the hearts that would not bend.

you might want to revisit that, to see if you can use some variety.
additionally, in L2 perhaps might be more in keeping with the R&J theme,
unless you're intentionally trying to force this to appear more common.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Thanks much for the timely responses. Your honesty was both refreshing and helpful

Any piece in particular you'd like a critique on, SYK? radiocure, I already covered yours.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#5
thanks Ed,

pass one on to a random. i won't have a new one up for a day or two.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.