#1
another night, a parasite
but my hearts already dry
you're just sucking bones
for someone who wont try
i guess i'm a villian
in my own sick little way
but now i've lost my chance at love
i let it slip away

my mind is like the sunset
its changes everyday
by morning i want love
by night i just wanna play
i'm always taking chances
and my gamblings pretty bad
i'm always hitting jackpots
but i'm afraid to get them cashed

and honestly it's been awhile
sense i've felt quite like this
i found something i've wanted
that i thought would never exist
but your past makes up your future
and my futures dead and done
there's so many to list
but i wish you were the only one

i've never met somebody
who's made me want to change
but she's afraid to take a chance
because this could just be a stage
and i honestly can't blame her
i would probably do the same
it just sucks that this town
keeps bring down my name
#2
*since, not sense
and *bringing, not bring.

I'll be back to give a proper crit, but I loved the title .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
another night, a parasite
internal rhyme. nice touch in the opening.
but my hearts already dry *heart's (heart is)
you're just sucking bones
for someone who wont try *won't
i guess i'm a villian *villain
in my own sick little way
but now i've lost my chance at love
i let it slip away

my mind is like the sunset
its changes everyday
by morning i want love
by night i just wanna play
wanna is a poor follow up to want in the previous.
reach for something more.

i'm always taking chances
and my gamblings pretty bad *gambling's (gambling is)
i'm always hitting jackpots
but i'm afraid to get them cashed
you have used i'm frequently.
this one can be avoided by omission.


and honestly it's been awhile
sense i've felt quite like this *since
i found something i've wanted
that i thought would never exist
but your past makes up your future
and my futures dead and done
there's so many to list
there's is a contraction for there is.
it doesn't fit with the plural, many.
to fit with what follows, probably
there were too many to list

but i wish you were the only one

i've never met somebody
anybody? anyone?
who's made me want to change
who might be cleaner.
made me want has three stressed syllables in a row.
you can soften this with:
inspired me

but she's afraid to take a chance
you could probably change she's to was,
and just let it point back on its own to
the person you've been describing.

because this could just be a stage
stage? as in a stage of her development?
in that case, maybe phase.
if not, i don't have a clue.

and i honestly can't blame her
i would probably do the same
it just sucks that this town
keeps bring down my name
the last two didn't seem to hold up with the rest of it.


when i saw the clever title, i suspected the piece itself might be severely lacking.
i was pleasantly surprised. it's a decent read, but the end seems a bit flat.
Meadows
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